what fun! what a break! what a relaxation! jon and i went to his home this weekend for a great time of relaxation and peacefulness. we went pumpkin picking, watched the stars and otherwise enjoyed the outdoors. it was great fun and a chance to get away from reality.
we left for his place shortly following seeing the movie, seven years in tibet on friday. all the way up, we had a magnificant discussion about tibet and buddhism and religion. it has always been a sorta sticky subject between the two of us since jon is not particularly religious and i am but the discussion was positive. we discussed how he felt the first time that he went to christian group and the first time that he went to meditation (that morning that i vowed he hated every minute of it- he actually enjoyed it because he did not feel left out like he did as one who did not believe in christ; rather he felt as though those who understood zen and those who did not were on one level). the talk was exhilerating and we discussed what i knew of buddhism and zen and how it is not intellectual but yet welcomes thought. jon mentionned that one of the reasons that zen and buddhism interested him is because they don’t require you to believe in something that may or may not exist, that the only thing you have to believe in is the power of your own mind and your self. talking with him about such topics absolutely thrilled me! so that was my good weekend…

when hyon gak sunim spoke to the zen group many nites ago, he mentionned a trip that he had taken to the south, home of the bible belt. he mentionned that many christians did not understand what he spoke about- what compassion meant, how to listen and how to absorb. some people called the master blasphemous and said that he would rot in hell.
then, when i saw seven years in tibet, i saw chinese devastate the tibetans for no good reason. even when the chinese visited the tibetans, they ruined the sand painting and noted that religion is poison.

why? i don’t understand why religion infuriates people so much? yes, the crusades were fought over religion and many people die in the name of god. i can see why groups are pissed at such religious people. by why the tibetans? or the buddhists? what have they done for others to be so infuriated by them? why do christians despise buddhists? or more particlarly, those practicing zen? none of zen’s views even conflict with christianity yet it is a threat?

as far as i can tell, zen buddhism does not cause a threat to any other religion. in many ways, it would be an excellent enrichment to most western religions. but, like one western religion views another, western religions view zen as a threat and a blasphemy. but what is blasphemy? i always thought that it was something against god… i don’t see zen as beeing against god, rather pro-you. if you want to use god as one of your “toys,” go for it- it may help you. maybe that’s the problem- god should not be a toy… i guess christianity allows you to reach nirvana without anything but belief… religion confuses me…

i had the most amazing experience tonite- one of those experiences that keeps a smile on your face and gets your heart pounding and fills your body with chills of excitement. having gotten into a pattern of attending meditations and monday dharma talks, i happily walked over to manning chapel last nite at 8 with shoe. we arrived and the schedule went as normal. we sat for a half hour and it was one of my best sits ever. i enjoyed every minute of it and i did not struggle too much to stay awake or keep my mind off of things. i was able to successfully breathe out the thoughts that entered my mind. it was such a relief after some of my more horrid sits (especially that morning at 6:30 am meditation). after the meditation, the abbott of the providence zen center gave the dharma talk. what an experience!
he began his talk mentionning his recent trip. he had just gotten back from wake forest, explaining to students what zen is and why it is important. being in the heart of the bible belt, many people treated him as a blasphemous idiot. even in the classroom, students tried to intellectualize what he was saying, opening their websites to definitions of dharma rather than hearing his words. even on the way back from north carolina, the man next to him (coming back from a meeting with billy graham) was ashamed to show his interest in the master’s words (filled with references to the bible after having studied it to talk to the people in north carolina). no matter what story people tell me, bringing it to reality is so much more concrete for me and i greatly appreciated his tale.

questions began and one student asked such a great question: if you should not be attached to anything, why are there robes and statues and rituals and beads, etc that all zen students use? “toys.” he said that all of the silly frilly objects that are associated with practicing zen are just toys for zen students. he explained a story where children are trapped inside a burning building, engrossed with the current toy and their parents get them out by putting a million better toys in a cart on the outside and saying, “hey come look at these toys” and the children rush out. the same thing hold for buddhism- any way that you can relieve yourself of suffering should be done. that is what buddha says.

and he continued on to tell other stories and explain other things but it was not just his words that made him special- the stories are not all original. it was the way he told them. armed with a mastery of the english language and a great wit, he was so enjoyable to hear. and he glowed.

after thanking him tonite, we started talking. apparently he is interested in setting up a cooperative of sorts which would house zen students and be a location on the east side for meditation practice. my eyes exploded- more than anything else, i would like to be a part of that. i would even be willing to deal with the consequences from my mother (oh boy!). that is what i want to do- i want to live in a fashion that is not counterproductive to my philosophy and thoughts. i want to be able to explore my self with others and learn on that level. i was so overjoyed at the thought. i offered to help him so hopefully we can work something out where that can be done…

if only…

…………

from the morning…

i went to morning meditation again this morning. shoe did not come but kate did (thank goodness she woke me up because my roommate turned off my alarm). although the 108 bows are rather helpful, the feeling in my hands are not; it is not regular pain but rather the result of my carpal tunnel.. i need to learn how to bow without that pain because i know that it will only get worse.. the chanting was ecstatic- boy do i love chanting! i may sound miserable and i may not be able to carry a tune to save my life and i may say the words all funny but it harmonizes me with the world and i love that feeling. then there was the 30 minute meditation.. why was today so bad? i felt so sick, halfway thru i thought that i was bound to pass out- my stomach all flushed and frustrated and my body aching for no reason. i kept with it though- trying to ignore the agony which unfortunately did not work. my body thanked claire when she finally hit the sticks. why was that meditation so bad? i hope that tonite is far better!

this morning i attended my first 6:30 AM meditation/chanting. jon even voluntarily joined shoe and i although i feel large twinges of guilt because i do not think that he enjoyed himself. i have been working to overcome that because i know that it is not my place to feel guilty about such a thing. regardless, i enjoyed my morning. although shoe despised the “prostrations,” i found much relief in them. more notably, i enjoyed the chants. although they were utterly new to me, the act of talking along with the group cleared my mind better than anything else and it was easier to get back when thoughts entered my mind. the 30 minute meditation did hurt though. i could not stop my mind from wandering towards the end and that utterly frustrated me. in addition, i could feel the pain and frustration of shoe and jon seeping into me. overall, i greatly enjoyed the morning.
until later… somehow, after breakfast my lower back gave in and i started feeling what seemed like premenstrual pains in my lower abdomen area (and i know that they are not pms pains). the pain was too much and i went back to bed, missing my first class. although by default i blamed the morning practice (terrible but involuntarily), i am convinced that it was just a coincidence. regardless, it was very frustrating and gave the day a negative air.

my brother arrived today and we have been rebonding. it is strange how much we change when we spend so much time away from one another. but i do miss him dreadfully. it is also interesting to see how i have changed since i left him. it is kind of odd that he has no sense of the importance of money when i have it so embedded into my mind out of necessity. i also worry about him… hopefully he will get to go to college (if only he would decide where!) and i hope that it is near me… i really do love that boy!

i am going to go with shoe to early morning chanting and meditation tomorrow and i am pretty psyhed about it. it is almost a good thing that there are no interviews tomorrow.. or maybe it is a bad thing; i have not decided.
as much as i am trying not to be nervous, i cannot help the little flickly feeling inside my stomach that screams “you’re gonna fuck up” whenever i think about the interviews. intellectually, i know fully well that i should not be fearing the interviews- there is nothing right or wrong about what is said in interviews. i cannot make a fool out of myself except to me and my ego. why is that so important? why is it so crucial that i do the right thing and make my ego look good? what will it take to get over that?

in ninth grade, i was afraid of talking over the loudspeaker. i avoided it at all costs. even though i was on student council and all student council members gave announcements, i avoided that at all costs. one day i realized that my avoidance was only causing me more problems. the more time i spent avoiding talking over the loudspeaker, the more time i hurt myself. in order to overcome it, i applied for a job as a sports announcer. my first day was miserable- i was quiet and afraid of the microphone. then a friend came up and told me to be myself.. that’s all that people wanted to hear anyhow. very soon later, i was energetic and enjoying myself.. i told jokes and had a fun time. people enjoyed when i was the announcer and i got compliments regularly. from that point on, i was never afriad of the microphone or loudspeaker…

in order to overcome my fear, i need to force myself into an inverview. even if the first one is miserable, just doing it will help me…

obession hit me today- not bad obsession but definitely obsession.
i entered my room around 2:15 this afternoon, took one look at it and thought “its cleaning time.” without complaint or unhappiness, i spead through my room, collected 10 loads worth of four people’s dirty laundry, removed cans half lingering on the shelves, tossed used bandaids and random half-torn papers, grouped belongings by person, organized winter versus summer clothes and packed that which is to go home with my mother this weekend. my ability to move when motivated astonished even me. a simple chore was enjoyable because i was motivated to do it and as a result only took 2.5 hours to do (normally, cleaning messes like that takes days due to my disinterest). although i still have a few more loads of laundry, i felt very happy with my accomplishments and am still shocked at my productivity.

for the last two days, i have felt nothing but happily productive. sitting on the new york subway, i happily blocked out everyone’s personally created noise and that of the train and read kaye’s zen at work. i had no trouble concentrating and enjoyed the read.

what has given me so much energy? is it because i am more happy than usual based on daily life improvements? or is it a fluke? i prefer to think the former but we will see tomorrow &ltgrin> regardless, today has been a superb day.

i spent today wandering around in new york city. unlike any other place i know of, nyc tends to bring out such strong emotions in me- intrigue, fear, excitement, annoyance, curiosity, … people watching is a true gem. but in many ways it makes me sad… consider me human or whatever else you would like but i cannot help but wonder about others’ lives. do they enjoy themselves when they look so miserable? have they found something special but just don’t show it?

unlike most places, new yorkers are nothing like one another- they come from all types of backgrounds, countries and belief systems. they have so much to share and so much to take from such a community so i watch them with intrigue. but one thing is common amongst all the people walking down broadway today- they all looked rushed and unhappy. many yelled curse words at passerbyers or were rude when i politely asked a direction question. my interruption terribly hindered their day. what a sad state of affairs. cabbie drivers rush up and down the streets, won’t pick you up if you look like a kid without money and are paranoid that you are going to make their lives miserable. they looked pained and want you out of their backseat as soon as possible. they growl at you when you want change. how can they enjoy this life? do they go home to a happier one or do they go home to misery? what makes them get by? what a horrible thought!

what makes all people happy? i know that things that help me through my day and put a smile on my face are not universally positive things. are some people made happy by spending their days yelling and screaming at others? do some people get pleasure out of being rude on their jobs? do those people enjoy their jobs? i guess that i just don’t understand most people even though i would like to… i want to understand what motivates people. actually, that is a thought- what motivates me? hmm.. i will think about that for later….

i guess that my life is just different from others. should i concern myself with understanding other people or will that prove frustrating? [trying to understand peoples’ biases sure is…] how am i supposed to relate to strangers? that aspect of my life is still a muddled confused mess…

what allows me the ability to pursue higher education? what gave me the opportunity to travel and learn from other people? do others have that option but eliminate it by their lack of interest while i strived towards it? or are we positioned in society? the obvious casting of people disturbs me, whether it is intentional or just the way the world works. i know that life is not fair, but why not? these questions keep me up at nite, forcing me to evaluate myself and contantly giving me the understanding to appreciate what i do have. how can we make the world fair?

how does color perception work? physically, we are told what happens as our eyes dilate and how color is perceived by the eyes. but why can we imagine color in our sleep when we are certainly not “seeing” the colors, rather knowing what it would look like?

let’s take green for an example. i can point out objects made of green. you can too. many of those objects that we see would be identicle. both of us would point out that grass is green, as would almost anyone (except for the dorks who are being a pain and talking about the changes in season). regardless, we both see green. but what if i borrowed your eyes? would your green be the same as my green? would my brain perceive your eyes’ view of the grass as green? or would your green equal my purple?

we are trained to see grass as green and plums as purple. we accept that forever more, colors similar to that of grass will be green and that which looks like plums will be purple. it allows us to label, classify and describe objects based on the perception that they give off to us.

the same goes with all senses. we determine hot based on some past experience with hot and based on a universal reaction to hot- jumping away from the object and possible pain. maybe hot feels different to different people. maybe sound is perceived differently. an object does not give off sound; an object gives off waves of energy and our ears turn that into a sound for our brains to perceive. for that reason, a question often arises: when a gree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

does an object possess its characteristics of temperature, color, sound, etc? why do we feel it necessary to intellectualize such givens? why do we have to label things, describe them and classify them in order to accept them? why can’t we just take such givens and accept the object without thinking about the implications?

we as a society rely so heavily on words- for the most part they are the sole way in which we communicate. many other societies also use body movements and expressions to express what they are thinking. if we cannot verbally describe it, most other people in our society do not understand us. masters of the language fare well in our society even if there body language gives off evil airs. only those extremely close to us understand every little body movement we make. our dependence on words truly limits us.

for this reason, our society also has a problem with cliches and other common phrases. they are said so often that they no longer have meaning to us. most of these phrases include verbs that do not have direct meaning. one common phrase whose meaning disipates over time is “i love you.” we love so many things- parents, lovers, children, friends, chocolate… are theses loves at all similar? they are not but yet we use the same phrase for them, diluding the meaning. what is love? there is no direct meaning for it, so one person can say it to another with different feelings. lovers have to depend on body reactions to that type of saying since the words alone mean little. the first time it is said, there is a flutter in the heart and ecstacy in the head but that wanes if it is repeated daily.

why do words mean so much to us? why must we use them to communicate? how can we back away from our attachment to words? this seems like a very difficult problem to me…

i attended my first group meditation tonite. what an effect that had on my perception of everything around me. although the “lecture” sounded like what i had read, it was far more meaningful in person. first, we sat for about 5 minutes and then two masters spoke about meditations and discussed bob dylan’s reaction to the world- explaining that you must love what you do and do it because you love it. after the quick discussion, the masters opened the discussion up to questions. different students asked their burning thoughts and the masters answered them directly. it was utterly intriguing and helpful. i was entirely impressed and most definitely ecstatic!

i spent one week of august in los angelos for a convention. nothing spiritually exciting occurred until the last day. dan and i left the hotel and boarded the bus to the airport. we both knew that it was to be a long ride…

dan and i immediately settled into reading our materials of interest. the driver boarded the bus and began to sing a beautiful version of “amazing grace.” i smiled, grabbed the ani cd that i had on me and went to the front of the bus with it. i played the song for him and we began to talk.

dan and i moved to the front of the bus; he told us much about himself- that he was a drug addict, deadbeat dad, dropout and many other sad things. one day, in rehab, a pastor came and spoke to him about the lord. after much denial, he began to accept jesus christ in his life and his life rapidly improved. he made mends with his children and ex-wife, paid his bills and stayed off drugs and alcohol. even though he was “just driving a bus,” he felt as though his life suddenly had meaning. he found acceptance in the church and happiness at home. even during his hard times, he felt that he had someone to turn to.

then the conversation turned… apparently he realized that we were intelligent beings and wanted to talk to us about our generation. he asked us why so much of our generation did not believe in God. he did not understand why we needed to question such things and felt we should believe on blind faith (also noted that the only true religion is christianity). neither dan nor i wanted to battle his beliefs so we encouraged him to preach and it was rather interesting. he did not understand why someone would vote for someone as unethical as Clinton (oops…) or how society could do things on Sunday (worship day). The conversation was utterly intriguing. Apparently he had also been to a funeral that day and we discussed politics of burial.

as he figured out that we were not as religious as he (basically by our quietness), he began to question or intent in life as well as our goals. he asked how we could live without knowing that we would go onto heaven in the future. i explained my beliefs (he was appalled) and we continued discussing it. i knew that i was not going to persuade him to understand me and he learned that, much to his dismay, he could not convert me.

as we entered the bus terminal, he allowed other cars in front of him, telephoned 911 when he saw a broken down car and proceded to do other kind things. he explained that it is so frustrating being a busdriver because no one wants a busdriver to be in front of them on the highway. he said that he needed to be exceptionally kind so that people may change their minds about buses and busdrivers. he stated that he is convinced that he will die by fireshot when he “butts” in front of a disgruntled driver on the highway. what a way to think about your death…

as we left the bus, i wished him the best of luck and he wished me the same. quite often i think about him and the words he discussed. there is no doubt in my mind that religion brought to him everything that he felt as though he was missing. he wants to share that with the world at whatever cost. i too feel that religion has given me something that i could not of otherwise had. i feel empowered by my daily rituals, strengthened by my improved thoughts and peace of mind and generally happy with my days…

he did have many interesting points though- even though we disagree as to their origin. why do people necessitate intellectualizing all thoughts of religion? no, most christians don’t feel that they have seen God or know Jesus personally; they have blind faith in their religion and the fact that their destiny is set. i have blind faith in that with rituals and belief in myself, i can improve myself on a daily basis. every day is a new challenge and i wake up delighted to know that. even if i can improve myself minimally, i have done well. i believe that i will never be perfect but aiming towards perfection is not a bad goal. so each day, i wake up and try to improve one aspect of myself and my mind. that desire and improvement makes me happy. even though i do not believe in jesus, i do believe that the busdriver and i are similar. we have found what we need to help us strive towards a goal of being better people.

do you remember when you were in middle school? the cool fifth graders sat in the back and made fun of the little kids, you made faces at the cars behind you and gossiped with your girlfriends about the cute older boys. children raced to be the first one on the bus, you compared lunches and when your mom gave you tuna you were ostracized. buying your lunch was uncool (it showed that your mom didn’t care.) recess was the best time of the day- girls played hopscotch behind the building while the boys raced around with kickballs. regardless of your ability to play kickball or your interest in hopscotch, you had a position to fill. the boy with glasses who read the dictionary on the front step was cute but you could not talk to him (cause he was different).

as you grew into maturity, the bus became an annoyance (probably because while you were the queens last year, you are the newbies this year). actually, middle school caused headaches on a regular basis. you got your period for the first time and were ostracized for it. actually, you were a freak if you got your period, if you didn’t; if you had a large chest (thus requiring a brassiere), if your chest resembeled your brother’s; if you could shave your legs, if you didn’t. they laughed at the boys for having facial hair and for not having facial hair; for having wetdreams and daily erections, for not being aroused; for having a high voice, for having a low voice. everyone got mocked in middle school. it was the regular way.

middle school continued. you didn’t get enough sleep. you didn’t like your classes. your english teacher was hot and the french teacher with the heavy accent who smelled annoyed you on a regular basis (you knew it was because you could not pronouce “au revoir” correctly). you got teased for dating the boy who now has contacts and has upgraded to nietzsche; it doesn’t matter- you kissed him once during the school dance and broke up before the next weekend. ahh, middle school relationships.

eighth grade hit and you were once again the queens of the school. you protected your 6th grade brother in a fight so he got teased for being a wimp. your class held a walkout in the name of peace (although most of your class thought it was about recess). your classmate was convicted for murder. your utopia started falling apart.

high school was painful- no doubt about it. yeah, you got your liscense thus earning your freedom but along with it came the realization that freedom means nothing without money. so you still walked to places. boys vs girls and who was dating who was the conversation _every_ day at the lunchroom table. and you hated it. even hamlet was more interested (of course it was, it starred mel gibson…). dorks vs cool kids became an issue and factions broke out. fights were no longer “i hate you” “i hate you too”. now they involved knives and guns and spray cans and eggs and toilet paper and destruction. kids were having kids; you knew people with HIV; classmates died in car accident; others killed themselves; murder hit home; rape was an actual issue. although you never thought it would be, being homosexual or non-white meant social suicide. you could not wait until college where it was bound to be better. your graduation was freedom.

yeah, growing up hurt. and “being an adult” is _not_ fun. your parents were right- being young is far more fun. whoever would have thought? looking back, i realized something. no day is perfect. your environment will never be a utopia. other people will have their problems. what i know now is that i should not try to escape it, rather i need to accept it and deal with it as myself. that too is a sad realization.

me and all the kids from the neighbourhood
we play out in the street all summer long
rule was we had to go home at nite when the streetlites came on

we were oblivious to the rest of the world
we hold up the cars in the street
we always played boys against girls
and both sides would cheat

strange men would stop their cars at the curb
say “hey sweetheart, come here”
and i would go up to the window
and they would have their dick out in there hands
and a sick little sneer

i’d say “here we go again
yeah, this time you win”
i would feel dirty; i would feel ashamed
but i wouldn’t let it stop my game

we would play hide and go seek
territory would be the whole block
sometimes the older boys when they find you
they wouldn’t want to tag you
they just want to talk
they say “what would you do for a quarter?
come on, we don’t have that much time”
i’d think for a minute and i’d say
“ok, give me the quarter first. fine”

this time you win
here we go again
and i would feel dirty and i would feel ashamed
but i wouldn’t let it stop my game

i remember my first trip alone on the greyhound bus
a man who put his hands on me as soon as nite fell
i remember when i was leaving how excited i was
i remember when i arrived i didn’t feel so well
i remember the teachers who got me so sick
scared, i went into the bathroom and i through up in my hair
i could go on but you know what it just gets worse
so i should probably stop there.

girl, next time he wants to know what your problem is
girl, next time he wants to know where the anger comes from
just tell him this time the problem is his
just tell him the anger just comes
it just comes