why am i such a baby when it comes to physical pain? given, most people don’t enjoy it. do i despise it more than anyone else? do i share it more than anyone else? am i feeling more pain than most people? somehow, i think the answer to the latter is no and that is why i question this.

there are two types of pain: physical and emotional. the physical pain is aggrevating but often goes away easily over time (or else your body adjusts to it). the same is supposedly true for emotional pain but it tends to take more time and the dullness still spikes at you when you least expect it.

i can cope with emotional pain. it is aggrevating but i can deal with it. (maybe because i have done it for so long?) physical pain is another issue. even my monthly menstrual cycle drives me insane. “good pain” such as that from exercising makes me grumble even though i know the pain is there for a good reason. on the other hand, when i don’t feel pain after exercising, i feel like i did not work hard enough.

what is the relationship one has with pain? some say that pain is necessary. “it lets you know that you are not dead.” zen says that it is only natural. suzuki discussed it, mentionning that pain is a reality for every beginner trying to meditate. the sitting position will be painful for quite some time. suzuki also says that one should not give up because of the pain even when frustrated. although it hurts now, practice will eliminate the pain and discomfort of sitting. (i am still in the painful state.)

regardless, what does pain do for us?

[thoughts of today for later elaboration:]

why is beauty so imporant to people?
why is it necessary for us to label and class people?

last nite was more than interesting. after going thru the general day, attempting to do work and whatnot, jon and i went home to study. somehow we began discussing christmas and our mothers (both are divorced and single).

humans (or maybe just some) have this assumption that they will settle down with one individual and grow old together. this assumption is usually implemented in the form of a marriage, religious or not. A marriage exists when two individuals decide to live monogomously together until death. In modern times, this vow is often nullified by a divorce, leaving one or both members of the union alone. this loneliness is often detrimental, especially in situations where the solo individual was forced into such a situation (example: husband leaves wife for another lady). loneliness prevails.

why are we so dependent on other humans for solace and peace? why is loneliness so painful? how can we eliminate these pains in order to make lonely individuals happy in old age?

it is both depressing and painful to watch as our siblings leave the home, leaving our mothers alone. neither of us knows what the solution should be or how to help our mothers cope. we both got rather emotional with the frustration… the thoughts will continue…

ah, how refreshing. what ani means to me is far deeper than just the vague awareness that she is a great musician. for me (and i am certain many others), she represents what i have been trying to do all my life- fight for who i am and what i want. she does so well- stands up for herself and her beliefs, fights the odds and the anti-feminine attitude that pervades our society. sometimes, i do exactly that but other times i feel like i fail to stand up and rather give in to the horrendous pressures of society.

so, well i saw her this weekend- she performed in central park:

gravel
little plastic castles
every state line
2 little girls
letter to a john
–> the slant
most of the time (b.dylan)
loom (sunglasses song)
anticipate
bug poem
independence (watching fireworks from a parking garage..)
out of habit
worthy
cradle and all
shameless
in or out (encore)
not so soft (encore)

how unbelievable! she enjoyed herself immensely. and she shared her soul. think about the lyrics [they say goldfish got no memory / i guess their lives are much like mine] some people view all of her lyrics as depressing and sad; i view them as enlightening- she is sharing her soul, revealing her view of the world. it is so reassuring to know that others have the same difficulties with the world as i do.

on another note, i came home to jon. i am realizing more and more how much he is my panacea; he fixes all my heartaches and frustrations with a simple kiss. yes, i admit i am 100% attached to him but in some silly way, that attachment has allowed me to release myself from other attachments. being with him has taught me more about who i am and where i am going then ever before. i spent so much time floating and drifting amongst the seas, scared and terrorized by the world. resting on shore, attaching my anchor for just a short while has allowed me to discover my fears and solve many of my problems. i think some momentary attachments encourage positive outcomes in many ways.

i finished suzuki this weekend. it was an excellent read. in the epilogue, he discussed the idea that unlike those in japan and china, it is far more challenging for americans to accept the practices of zen because of how we are raised and our general attitude but yet it is important that we try. he also discussed that many americans wanted to observe zen from an intellectual view. i think that the attitude of american zen in very interesting and cannot wait to read on. i think that long quiet highway will be really good for me and hope that i can learn what i am looking for…

by Ryokan:

ura o mise, omote o misete, chiru momiji
(showing front, showing back, falling maple leaf)

what makes the vision of the maple leaf so special as it gently falls from the maple tree, it shows both its bad side as well as its good. what this means for the person who follows zen is that in our lives, i should reveal both sides of our personality rather than just exibiting our positive side and neglecting that of which we disapprove. if my body is not “beautiful”, it does not matter. it is part of who i am.

this makes 100% sense to me, but i do not know how to implement it. i know that some people believe they see my negative side (they yell at me for it) but how can i show it? what does it mean to show it? no, i don’t wear makeup or try to hide my body or my physical appearance. i buzzed my hair, knowing it would make me “ugly” by many people’s standards. i also knew that it would free me of the need to look beautiful. and it did. and it angered many people, especially my mother. she felt that my making myself ugly hindered my relationships with people and made me stand out as a freak. this angered me and we had major frustrations about this.

why is beauty so important to people? or is it just americans?

shoe’s thought: beauty is what we see without effort so we rely on that as our impression of people. getting to know someone takes effort (and thus time and frustration). possibly, this is also due to our desire for instant gratification. we want to know things fast and beauty (or lack of) can be quickly viewed.

back to my thoughts: shoe is right. we enjoy judging and labeling people.. but that is a thought for another time…

rather than just seeing an object, imagine its texture on your skin, its smell in your nose and the sound that it makes in your ears. the object will appear far more appealing and the world will seem far more interesting.

today was a reading day. i continued with my reading (reread the two packets and worked on Suzuki’s Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. new confession: i was sitting slouched and posture-problemed when i encountered Suzuki’s statements on posture. i attempted to fix that but have not yet found a comfortable position for both my mind and my body. the physically comfortable positions result in my lapsing into sleep while the mentally comfortable position force eye strain. i will continue to work on this.

on a personal note, i have been trying to understand my direction in school and personal reasoning for my actions. i thought that i knew what i wanted- to be fucking amazing at computer science. i lunged into it the department head first. somewhere along the line, someone chopped off my head. i no longer have the energy or desire to do what i once love. i was planning to take a difficult cs course in order to further my knowledge but i discontinued that. i know that i could have made it thru the class if i was enthused but combined with my saddened attitude towards cs and sudden interest to protect my health and well-being, i discontinued that course.

when i was helping kate last nite (she did not know if she should take orgo- her major required it but she was questionning her major and reevaluating her life), i realized that i was also helping myself cope with my decision. deciding to distance myself from computer science was a hard decision. i still spend much time around the department seeing as i am still taing the intro course. i do enjoy helping people though so i could never give that up.

i also decided tonite that i would be a mentor for women interested in computer science. maybe that will help me respark my desire and curiosity.