i had the most amazing experience tonite- one of those experiences that keeps a smile on your face and gets your heart pounding and fills your body with chills of excitement. having gotten into a pattern of attending meditations and monday dharma talks, i happily walked over to manning chapel last nite at 8 with shoe. we arrived and the schedule went as normal. we sat for a half hour and it was one of my best sits ever. i enjoyed every minute of it and i did not struggle too much to stay awake or keep my mind off of things. i was able to successfully breathe out the thoughts that entered my mind. it was such a relief after some of my more horrid sits (especially that morning at 6:30 am meditation). after the meditation, the abbott of the providence zen center gave the dharma talk. what an experience!
he began his talk mentionning his recent trip. he had just gotten back from wake forest, explaining to students what zen is and why it is important. being in the heart of the bible belt, many people treated him as a blasphemous idiot. even in the classroom, students tried to intellectualize what he was saying, opening their websites to definitions of dharma rather than hearing his words. even on the way back from north carolina, the man next to him (coming back from a meeting with billy graham) was ashamed to show his interest in the master’s words (filled with references to the bible after having studied it to talk to the people in north carolina). no matter what story people tell me, bringing it to reality is so much more concrete for me and i greatly appreciated his tale.

questions began and one student asked such a great question: if you should not be attached to anything, why are there robes and statues and rituals and beads, etc that all zen students use? “toys.” he said that all of the silly frilly objects that are associated with practicing zen are just toys for zen students. he explained a story where children are trapped inside a burning building, engrossed with the current toy and their parents get them out by putting a million better toys in a cart on the outside and saying, “hey come look at these toys” and the children rush out. the same thing hold for buddhism- any way that you can relieve yourself of suffering should be done. that is what buddha says.

and he continued on to tell other stories and explain other things but it was not just his words that made him special- the stories are not all original. it was the way he told them. armed with a mastery of the english language and a great wit, he was so enjoyable to hear. and he glowed.

after thanking him tonite, we started talking. apparently he is interested in setting up a cooperative of sorts which would house zen students and be a location on the east side for meditation practice. my eyes exploded- more than anything else, i would like to be a part of that. i would even be willing to deal with the consequences from my mother (oh boy!). that is what i want to do- i want to live in a fashion that is not counterproductive to my philosophy and thoughts. i want to be able to explore my self with others and learn on that level. i was so overjoyed at the thought. i offered to help him so hopefully we can work something out where that can be done…

if only…

…………

from the morning…

i went to morning meditation again this morning. shoe did not come but kate did (thank goodness she woke me up because my roommate turned off my alarm). although the 108 bows are rather helpful, the feeling in my hands are not; it is not regular pain but rather the result of my carpal tunnel.. i need to learn how to bow without that pain because i know that it will only get worse.. the chanting was ecstatic- boy do i love chanting! i may sound miserable and i may not be able to carry a tune to save my life and i may say the words all funny but it harmonizes me with the world and i love that feeling. then there was the 30 minute meditation.. why was today so bad? i felt so sick, halfway thru i thought that i was bound to pass out- my stomach all flushed and frustrated and my body aching for no reason. i kept with it though- trying to ignore the agony which unfortunately did not work. my body thanked claire when she finally hit the sticks. why was that meditation so bad? i hope that tonite is far better!