this morning i attended my first 6:30 AM meditation/chanting. jon even voluntarily joined shoe and i although i feel large twinges of guilt because i do not think that he enjoyed himself. i have been working to overcome that because i know that it is not my place to feel guilty about such a thing. regardless, i enjoyed my morning. although shoe despised the “prostrations,” i found much relief in them. more notably, i enjoyed the chants. although they were utterly new to me, the act of talking along with the group cleared my mind better than anything else and it was easier to get back when thoughts entered my mind. the 30 minute meditation did hurt though. i could not stop my mind from wandering towards the end and that utterly frustrated me. in addition, i could feel the pain and frustration of shoe and jon seeping into me. overall, i greatly enjoyed the morning.
until later… somehow, after breakfast my lower back gave in and i started feeling what seemed like premenstrual pains in my lower abdomen area (and i know that they are not pms pains). the pain was too much and i went back to bed, missing my first class. although by default i blamed the morning practice (terrible but involuntarily), i am convinced that it was just a coincidence. regardless, it was very frustrating and gave the day a negative air.

my brother arrived today and we have been rebonding. it is strange how much we change when we spend so much time away from one another. but i do miss him dreadfully. it is also interesting to see how i have changed since i left him. it is kind of odd that he has no sense of the importance of money when i have it so embedded into my mind out of necessity. i also worry about him… hopefully he will get to go to college (if only he would decide where!) and i hope that it is near me… i really do love that boy!