I can’t remember who told me about PostSecret but it’s become one of my favorite blogs. Each entry consists of a postcard that someone sent the curator to post. They are beautiful postcards with intriguing confessions.
post secret
danah boyd | apophenia
making connections where none previously existed
at the time, i found something to distract myself.
but then yesterday happened.
I was upset and everything felt like it was falling apart. I regretted eating that burger, i wanted to thow up, i wanted to cut. But i couldn’t because she was there.
I couldn’t do anything while my best friend was at my house.
ANd then she got up and left the room.
Later that night she called me and talked for a few minutes.
She asked if I was okay, sad, tired, or depressed (to which i responded yes) and oddly she echoed my advice to her,
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret. ”
I looked down at my arm and though, “Its a little late for that.”
What happened to Olivia?
I wish she would post still.
I read her blog though because she doesn’t post on here.
for as long as i can remember, i’ve been asking other people about their problems, so i could “help” although what they didint know is it was helping me forget about my problems. now that everyobdys happy, i’ve realized all my problems are comming back to haunt me. i’ve been thinking about suicide, but truthfully… i’m scared that sombody might call me selfish when i’m dead.
When I was 13 I saw you for the first time.
I was young, innocent, naive.
You were almost 16.
I fell in love with you at first sight.
When you cheated, lied, went to jail, was on house-arrest, and even left town, I forgave you.
You still left me.
Right after, I dated another boy.
It was the day before Valentines and I cheated on him.
With his older best friend I didn’t even know.
That’s when I lost my virginity, I was 14.
I carved words into my skin and wrote with my blood, mostly about you.
It took me a year to stop hurting myself for you.
I must have wished on hundreds of stars and dandelions and prayed that you would love me and come back.
I fell in love with another boy, but i’m not sure if I could ever love someone as much as I love you.
Then you came back.
When you did, you told me how much you loved me and said you would do anything for me, and I let you go.
I even watched you cry over me.
I still sometimes wish I had done things differently, even though I am still with the other boy and love him very much.
You left again, and I miss you dearly.
I have been with this other boy for a year now.
Last night I actually heard knews from you.
I was so happy my insides turned to mush and all I’ve been thinking about is you.
I still wish you would come back.
But I may be moving in with my boyfriend when I graduate.
Although, I don’t think I could ever love him as much as I love you.
I love you both.
Please, come meet me at my window
The only reason I didn’t M A K E L O V E to you,
Is because I don’t trust what the girls you F U C K E D might have given you..
I used to be skinny – I dated a lot – I fell in love with you
You hurt me – we broke up – I got fat
I am afraid to lose weight, because then guys might want me
What if I fall in love with someone else
and they break my heart again
My best friend confided all her secrets with me about the boy she was currently ‘with’. I was completely against the idea, but couldn’t bring myself to confront her about it. So I confided her secrets and my own into a neutral friend.
She hacked into my email and discovered everything that I’d told our nuetral friend.
She blames me for everything, and though we both act as though it is in the past and that we are both ‘best friends forever’ We know the damage is done.
I have confrontation issues because I’m scared that if I voice my opinion, I’ll lose all the friends I’d managed to gain.
I disagreed with the boy she was ‘seeing’ because they weren’t actually dating, and he was just using her.
I disagreed with her seeing him, because though I didn’t like HIM, I was jealous that she still had someone.
The funny part is…
I still think she’s the one to blame.
I’m loud, hyperactive, optimistic, and wild.
Everyday my friends tell me to shut up because I’m too loud, or to stop fidgeting because I’m pissing them off.
Everytime they make fun of me, it’s for something I can’t change about myself.
Though I’ve tried. I’ve tried shutting up, I’ve tried sitting still, but they don’t even notice my efforts.
But as soon as I go back, the insults return.
When they make fun of me, I laugh it off, like I don’t care at all, and as though their comments are unaffective, because I believe that is the best way to get back at them.
What they are unaware of is that everything they make fun of me, I go home and cry on my bed until I fall asleep.
I love them, and they have no idea how much pain they cause me.
I love them, but they don’t know it’s their fault that I contemplate suicide and wonder what they’re reactions would be.
I love them, but it’s their fault that every moment of my life I’m living a lie.
I love them, but it’s their fault that I want to die.
I love them, but it’s their fault I can’t tell them how I feel.
A few more secrets, since I seem to be in the giving mood:
Sometimes my parents hit me, but I knows it’s my fault for smarting off. Still, I complain about it to my friends, in hopes of gaining they’re attention. Now I’m afraid that they see my parents differently, and I’m scared that one day they’ll find out how badly I exaggerated.
I’m 15 and read adult romances. I love them so much and I don’t think I could live without them. When my friends make fun of them (the characters have sex) I defend the books as best I can. It kills me inside to know that no one respects my choices.
I mark the parts of the books where the DO have sex, so I can go back a reread them, wishing it was me.
I’ve wanted to go to the same college for as long as I can remember. I’ve set my hopes so high, that if I don’t get in… I’m not sure I’ll want to live.
I’d rather spend time with my neighbors who range from five years-eleven years-old, because I find them to be more fun than my own friends.
I’m jealous of my best friend because she has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect home, all the newest technology, a job that I could never have, and she seems to rule our entire group of friends. They only thing that makes me feel better is telling myself that at least my parents aren’t divorced like hers.
One of my friends always tries to act as the mediator in our group. I just want to slap her and tell her that she’s the one with the problems, NOT US.
Both my best friends can draw, one can sing well, one is exceptional at art, the other is great with computers, the only thing I have to brag about is my writing, that none of my friends read anyways.
My best guy friend asked me out before we were best friends. I said yes, but then avoided him until we both just let it go. I’ve never told anyone why, but it was because my best girl friend started going on and on about all his faults. And suddenly those were the only things I could see.
I laughed my ass off in my head when the next year he asked her out.
Sometimes I think I still like my best guy friend, but then I study him more thouroughly and realize I’d rather not ruin what we have. I don’t even find him attractive, and I think the only reason I ‘flirt’ with him is because I like messing with his head.
I almost always agree with what my friends opinions are so that I don’t lose them, like I ended up losing my other best friends.
I cried more when my cat died, then when my grandma died.
I’ve dyed my hair, changed my style of clothing, and gotten a new, different pair of glasses. I try to dress ’emo-ish’ because I’m sick of being like everyone else.
I read my friends diary while she was right downstairs. I read about how many problems she had with me changing. How I wasn’t the same old me she used to be friends with. How I’ve started to become boycrazy. I think she only wrote that to convince herself that I’m changing on purpose. But I think she just wants me to stay the same, because the more I change, the prettier I get.
When people say how skinny I am, I refrain from telling them it’s because I constantly ‘suck it in’
Lately, I’m not sure if I have a crush on a guy because I truly like him, or because I’m just so desperate to have a boyfriend.
My friend tells me that I’m turning to much like her. Because I’ve recently discovered I am in fact a girl. I ditched the baggy T-shirt and enjoy wearing casual/chique clothing. I wear eyeliner and styled my hair differently. I think she just likes thinking that she’s my role model. When in reality, I’m changing to be completely different from her.
I think that’s enough secrets for now. But believe me, I have plenty more…
Email: animelvr3@yahoo.com
Advice?
Catherine-
If these “friends” ideals and opinions decide on whether or not you are friends with them, they aren’t worth it.
They’ll only bring you down and make you miserable. Chances are at least one of them wants to hear what you think or how you feel adn they will be willing to stick by you.
Not everybody will hate you darling.
I don’t.
((if you want to email me, just to talk, rant or whatever, feel free at justuntildecember@mugglenet.com))
I wan’t everybody to have hope, no matter how hard it may be.
I fell in love with a boy, and he fell in love with me.
We need each other,
we trust each other completely.
You may think one of us will leave the other,
but its this simple.
We
Are
In
Love
Forever.
and it feels beautiful.
i witnessed my best friend die when i was 7 years old. she had a heart attack underwater and drowned. the only image i have left of her is her face when she floated to the top.she just floated up. like she wasn’t a person, just an object in my 2nd grade sink & float science fair project. since that summer, every science fair i’ve entered i did a sink and float experiment. we didn’t know she was dead at first. we thought she was joking so we tickled her. i can’t help but think that if we weren’t so stupid and got her out of the water sooner, she’d still be alive. i was scared of the water for a long time. everything from oceans to showers. i’m now 15 years old, and i still have random panic attacks when i’m in water. everytime i try to think of better times all that comes up is a pale face with blue lips. a lifeless body. an object. i want to know what she was thinking. what she’s thinking now. how do i get over this?
The day i had sexual intercourse with my best friend,
i fell in love.
and i told him.
but after we had sex.
i told him im not in love with him anymore just that we had a good friendship.
he still believes my lie.
oo ++ im 13.
I tried the cutting thing for the first time today….it was …not the emotional high that I expected…
I have sex almost every day.
I’ve thought I was pregnant 4 times.
My mom thinks I don’t even like to make out.
I’m 15.
dirtylittlesecretkeeper
it never is.
I told myself that I’d stop lying to my friends…
…that was a lie.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my whole family died, and then I feel so bad I wish I would die.
I write stories and ask my friends to read them. When they don’t, I act like I don’t care. But really, I feel like crawling into a closet and crying until I die. Maybe then they’ll read what I pour my heart into.
I’m depressed, and I connect well with depressing quotes. So I search the web for them. When people ask why I use such sad quotes and accuse me of being depressed, I tell them I just like the sound of them.
I want a boyfriend, but I feel like if I get one, I’ll be betraying myself.
I like this kid in one of my classes, but I’m afraid to do anything about it because I’m scared my friends will reject him.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go all out on something, and not care what anyone else thinks. And then I get scared about what I would think…
When people ask me what my favourite band is, I often lie and say it’s the Red Hot Chili Peppers, because I’m scared of what people will say when they find out it’s really Panic! At The Disco.
I cheat on my Chemistry tests, because I know that if I didn’t I’d be failing the class.
I fish for compliments, even though when I hear them, I know the person saying them knows I’m fishing for them…
I love singing, even though my voice sucks.
My best friend insisted that I was becoming to much like her. She doesn’t know that I was trying to be anything but her.
My friends said I was changing so much. The truth was, I just got tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.
I’m 15 and I read adult romance books. When people tell me they’re gross, I want to slap them. Because they can’t say they are if they’ve never read them.
I have an extremely short temper, and most of the time it fucks me over.
When my little cousins asked me why my younger brother had a girlfriend before I have a boyfriend I laughed it off. Inside, I was asking what the fuck was wrong with me?
My brother is 13 and his girlfriend is a month older than I am (15). I laugh about it, but personally I think she’s a whore.
My friends tell me I’m really loud, and I laugh it off saying that it’s just the way I am. But inside I’m stabbing myself over and over again telling myself to shut the fuck up.
I fear losing my friends.
I think they’ll leave me if I say or do the wrong thing, so I’m forever watching my back.
I regret my past two best friends, and I fear that in the future I’ll regret my current one.
+++
I like messing with my ex’s mind. I give clues that I may ‘like like him’ once more. But in reality he annoys the fuck out of me and I can’t stand him. I just found out, he broke up with his girlfriend because he’s still in love with me.
I broke up with him more than a year ago and we only went out for three weeks.
I regret being with him.
And I can’t believe he’s so into me.
Afterall, I’m not the type of girl you fall head over heels for, that’s my best friend. I’m the girl you date, leave, and get over.
I think his girlfriend (my friend) is stupid to go out with him in the first place because she knew ahead of time he still liked me.
Part of me likes the fact that I’ve got someone who thinks I’m special(even if he is my ex) while the other part of me hates myself for not allowing him to know I’ll never have an interest in him again.
I find his disgusting and I can’t bare to be in the same room with him
I’m a horrible person, and I can’t let go of the past.
I’m always making up excuses…for everything I do wrong.
I hate myself.
Catherine,
We have so much in common.
Email me. We’ll talk.
justuntildecember@mugglenet.com
please write.
I think…….
I don’t know if I can post here anymore. I don’t know if I want to. And I don’t mean that in a mean way.
I can’t believe how bad I got hurt today.
I know I talk alot…I’m really loud. But it’s only because that’s how I talk. I don’t TRY to be fucking loud.
I’m already yelled at and made fun of for talking so much, but is that really my fault. I seem to make a lot of friends because of it.
Though, my ‘real’ friends make fun of me for it, I try to change.
Today I we were taking a class survey and I made a few comments. The kid I (used to?) have a crush on was like ” Do you have to comment on everything, can’t you just shut up?”
It hurt so much. We aren’t even close, and to hear a random person be sarcastic to me practically killed me.
I wouldn’t, couldn’t, speak for the rest of the class time.
I was broken. And I can’t seem to find all my pieces…
I’m falling in love with my best guy friend of ten years, but he doesn’t like me back. He said he would date me in the future.. Maybe then he’ll realise that we were meant to be? I have more secrets, but I don’t want to post them right now >_
Dream: To become a famous novelist.
Reality: I’m only an okay writer.
I’ve currently written 11 stories on a certain website. It’s not a random website, but one that many people visit everyday.
Everytime one of the people who read it sends me a message telling me that they love it, it feels like a hollow victory…
Those people aren’t exactly the ones I’m writing for.
Each story is the way I wish my life would be.
Each chapter is how I feel at that moment.
Each character is how I wish I, and my friend would be or become.
I’ve been writing for years, yet only one friend(we aren’t even close) has bothered to read an entire story.
I love my friends.
But I wish they’d acknowledge me and my creations that I work so hard on.
50% of my time awake is spent on the computer writing these stories. During the time I’m at school, I’m either writing in a notebook, or thinking of what I’m going to write when I get home.
My mom says that my stories are very good, but, she’s my mom, she’s supposed to say that.
All I want is for YOU to tell me that what I’m going is worth it.
Don’t worry, I’m not getting my hopes up.
If I had the courage I would definitely kill myself
Me too.
Well, my love life is fucked up beyond belief.
This all happened in the course of two days.
+++
My ex: I dated him for three weeks. He drank alot, and did a ton of drugs. I don’t do any of that. He was shorter than me, super dramatic, and made me feel like the man in the relationship. So I broke it off. He was my first real boyfriend.
My boyfriend?: Just got him recently…my best friend ‘hooked’ us up. He’s really sweet and calls me beautiful. We have a ton of common interets.
My bestfriend: He asked me out High school freshman year and I said yes. But then we just kind of let it burn out without acting upon it. Then he asked my best friend out,(I didn’t care at all), then he had another girlfriend. I just recently found out from my two best girl friends that he has been in ‘love’ with me since he met me.
Those are the characters
+++
My friend gave my picture to her guy friend and when we met we immediately hit it off. He’s almost a year old than me, but we’re in the same grade. (Description above)
She was so excited when I said that I liked him. Both my best girl friends were. Then all of a sudden my one friend is questioning my new boyfriend. Asking me if I really like him, or if I’m just messing around. Then she starts asking me if I still have a crush on my best friend(that crush ended more than a year ago). I told her no, and she told me that my best friend loves me.
I brushed it off, but then I ask my other best friend, and she informed me that yes, he was in love with me. Then I asked her if she was happy with hooking me and her friend up and she said “No”
Then my ex confesses that he still loves me that night over AIM.
I really like my boyfriend, and when I’m with him I actually feel like a girl. Rather than when I was with my ex, when I felt like the man. My best friend doesn’t show any signs of liking me, so I’m super confused. And though I don’t have any feelings for him, my friends are convinced that if I wasn’t already in a relationship that I would totally be dating him.
FALSE.
He’s too much my best friend. I don’t think I could survive dating him. I don’t like being put on guilt trips and I’m already stressed out with final exams this week. It’s too hard to concentrate during school.
I just…I just really want to kill myself. I already have OCD and an anxiety disorder and all this stressing is giving me headaches and making me randomly cry at the worst moments.
Why does life fuck me over??
I really wish you wouldn’t Catherine. Beside me, your the only one who seems to be posting religiously. (and I am slacking in that department at the moment)
Well, my ‘boyfriend’ officially asked me out.
I’m beginning to think I have a committment problem, because all I can think about is how I’m going to get out of the relationship.
I like him, I think.
I’m not even sure anymore. Sometimes he annoys me, and does weird things that are starting to piss me off, but then other times I feel like it’s just good to have someone.
Someone who actually cares. Someone who needs me, cause no one else seem to anymore.
But I am having panic attacks thinking about what I’m going to do about this, and then I try to ignore the problem.
I can’t.
My friends seem to like him, but I know that they really want me to go out with my friend.
I can’t.
I can’t do a lot of things and on top of that I’ve failed my behind the wheel final, and my exams are starting tuesday.
I’ve got swim team, I’m a coach, I still have to stop volunteering at the hospital because I don’t have time, and then there is my high school swimming (which causes me to mentally and physically break down because it’s awfully limit testing) and fuck fuck fuck. There is not enough time to do anything, or get anything in order.
I’m freaking out here, but I can’t talk to anyone, because no one will listen.
i work at tim hortons, i stuff timbits in my shirt and shoes then run to the bathroom and shove them in my mouth, im soo fat, but i cant stop, im afraid im going to turn to donuts soon:|
please help me!
i know what you mean robert, i have the same problem..but mines not timbits, its the breakfast sandwhiches! i shove then in my bra, i dont only do this b.c i love to eat them, i love the feeling of the greasy sasague, eggs and chesse. its orgasmic!
i know what you mean robert, i have the same problem..but mines not timbits, its the breakfast sandwhiches! i shove then in my bra, i dont only do this b.c i love to eat them, i love the feeling of the greasy sasague, eggs and chesse. its orgasmic!
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i work at the salvation army, i go through the clothes that people bring in, 99.9% of them are NOT washed. it just gets me going. i love the undewear and the bathing suits. you can always tell whos been wearing them, fat or skinny, male or female. i take them home and me and my cat enjoy themn all over the floor. its like we have all those people in the room with us. i cant wait till work tomorrow.
i work at the salvation army, i go through the clothes that people bring in, 99.9% of them are NOT washed. it just gets me going. i love the undewear and the bathing suits. you can always tell whos been wearing them, fat or skinny, male or female. i take them home and me and my cat enjoy themn all over the floor. its like we have all those people in the room with us. i cant wait till work tomorrow.
i work in wal-mart.
im the girl who puts the clothes pack on the racks after people try them on.
i always steal the underwear after women try them on and decide they don’t want them.
i hang them up on my wall.
i have over 158 pairs.
i MASTURBATE to them
… and so does my boyfriend.
To the last several people who posted (who are in actuality the same person)
You can go to hell. For a person to have so much fucking audacity to this sort of thing makes me sick. Grow up. People come to this site because they have no where else to turn, no one to talk to, because they can’t handle the issues they face. If you want to be SO fucking cool, go find someone that cares. No one here wants to read that shit so go away.
Thank you! 🙂
And Catherine, I’m willing to listen, you have my email address if you need to talk to me.
I’ve been inlove with my close male friend for years.. i have serious commitment issus and couldn’t ever consider a relationahip wiith anyone….apart from him
i got asked out recently and had to make up a lame lie to get out of going out with him
i love my best friend instead but i cant tell anyone cause it sounds lame
he completes me [:
but he has a girlfriend. i wish i had the confidence half a year ago before they were going out so i could have asked him out.
i havent seen him in months now. i cant see him because he breaks my heart when he mentions her
hw stopped me killing myself , he made me a christian, he helped me get friends, he helped me through hundreds of ppersonal problems
he’s my gaurdian angel
my excuse for not seeing him is tellling people i hate him
the truth is i hate myself
i want to die again
but first i want to kiss him once
then i’ll be free to go .
i love him so much
hah, we are actually 4 differnt people thank you.
just to let you know, i am NOT robert, or the timbit monster x 2 . OR obsessed with used bathing suits.
i really do have this problem and i really don’t appreciate you making fun of me and saying that my problem is not a real problem.
I have NOBODY to turn to so stfu
thanks.
ivanka
Ivanka,
have you ever ONCE read me belittling anyones problems on here before yours appeared? The answer darling, is no. I work solely to try and ease the pain of other people. I have my own issues and I know how the other people feel and I just want to help make things a little better. Your problem you spoke of, is poking fun of other people, or in fact you have some issue that you don’t want to talk about because your scared. I’m not going to judge you, I’m not going to say you don’t have problems, because obviously you do.
If you have such a fucking problem with it, great. I’m fucking done.
(btw if you want to pretend you aren’t one person don’t fucking post within one minute of your last post. Good Job))
To everyone else, to those I’ve talked to, I’m sorry. I’m not going to take this shit for trying to make this place an inviting and warm one. I’m not posting anymore. I don’t come here to face ridicule, I come here to help. I have struggled over the last year with an eating disorder and cutting. I came to this site because it made me feel less alone. Frankly I feel very betrayed and belittled right now. I can’t seem to grasp why people have to be immature and why they can’t just sit back and enjoy the fact that people are trying to help others. It really explains why we’re such a violence oriented world.
I’m really really sorry. I can’t post any more. I just can’t.
wow. the last few postings were really intense.
invanka FUCK OFF.
people that actually need someone to talk to come on this site and i hope that you realize that you have ruined this for many people.
maybe you should think before you say/do things.
Just_until_december, i really think that you have done some really great things for the people that post on here. you shouldn’t stop posting because you are encouraging and comforting many people.
i have been coming to this site for awhile now and i have felt your pain. please don’t stop posting because your posts have become important to me. I thought that by reading your posts maybe someday i would have the courage to say something and possibly help? and i would put off dealing with my problems for just a while longer.
i’ve never posted before, but i was so angered by that idiot that i thought that it was my duty.
i work at A&P and i have kankles.
so i steal the thankyou stickers we have,
and sleep with them around my kankles.
that way i can lose my kankles.
i hate them.
i am so fat!
ahhhhh
Omg-
Honey, you always had the courage. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have said anything about the post that set me off. And I thank you for that. Frankly, I’m been severely depressed the last few days and last night I fell into a deep dark hole, to the point where I wanted to cut until I bled to death. But luckily a friend who cares a lot about me, told me he did and that he wasn’t going to do what I wanted him to, just so i can make it easier on myself (I had wanted him to tell me he hated me. I wanted him to hate me.) Its people like him, and like you, that keep me going. They give me a little light to see and help me get through each and everyday. Keep doing what your doing, its working out great.
just-until-december
im glad u had someone to get you through that deep hole..if we did not have you to look to for some wisdom on our dark days what would we do…?
I’ve been posting alot. But it won’t let my messages through. It’s disappointing.
FINALLY. My messages are through.
just_until_december: I’d like to thank you so much. It’s because of your blog, that I’ve found a place of my own to write all my secrets and terrible thoughts and not have to worry about my friends seeing them.
I’d like to thank you again.
Just a side note:
being with her is not making me jealous.
Keep trying though. 🙂
I’m breaking up with my boyfriend of only three weeks. The same amount of time as my last ex.
I thought a boyfriend was what I wanted, I thought I would finally be happy.
I’m not.
xxx
The only time I’m truely happy is when I’m writing a story. NOT WHEN YOU’RE ‘PETTING’ ME!
God, who taught you how to touch girls?
I told myself I wouldn’t rush into another relationship, but I did. And now, I’m too far in and I didn’t realize it at the time…
BUT YOU PISS ME OFF.
Your jokes aren’t funny, you can’t pet a girl like you would a dog, I don’t like having your arm around me all the time.
And p.s….your haircut is terrible.
I’m breaking up with you as soon as you come back from Europe.
And guess what???
It’ll be over the internet, cause you live too damned far for me to invite you here to break up with you.
I’m relieved now that I finally know I’m done with you. I’ve learned my lesson, I guess I should thank you.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER GO OUT WITH A BOY YOU’VE ONLY JUST MET. AND NEVER EVER EVER GO OUT WITH ANOTHER BOY FROM RB. AND NEVER EVER EVER GO OUT WITH A BOY WHO HAS TO TAKE A TRAIN TO SEE YOU.
I’m sick of that.
I’m sick of this.
And I’m sick of the fact that when I told my best friend I was breaking up with you, she told the entire world.
Fuck you, so called best friend.
hmm
you suck?
yep. Thats what i thought.