hyon gak sunim spoke again at the zen meeting! oh what fun! i really feel in touch with him, understand what he is saying and am intrigued by his mannerisms. to make matters far better, i had an amazing sit. i was at first worried about all the noise that the people downstairs were making- clammoring around and whatnot but it was no problem. i sat, focused on my breething and was in touch. only a few seconds of pain even entered my mind (this is good for me…). although, i did get figedgety during his talk… too much food in my tummy, i tell you! cooked all day for social gathering of tas.. yumptious food! this week will be a challenge but i am looking forward to it. and hyon gak sunim is coming to dinner on friday! so me go work.. and off to the grading and thinking

what fun! what a break! what a relaxation! jon and i went to his home this weekend for a great time of relaxation and peacefulness. we went pumpkin picking, watched the stars and otherwise enjoyed the outdoors. it was great fun and a chance to get away from reality.
we left for his place shortly following seeing the movie, seven years in tibet on friday. all the way up, we had a magnificant discussion about tibet and buddhism and religion. it has always been a sorta sticky subject between the two of us since jon is not particularly religious and i am but the discussion was positive. we discussed how he felt the first time that he went to christian group and the first time that he went to meditation (that morning that i vowed he hated every minute of it- he actually enjoyed it because he did not feel left out like he did as one who did not believe in christ; rather he felt as though those who understood zen and those who did not were on one level). the talk was exhilerating and we discussed what i knew of buddhism and zen and how it is not intellectual but yet welcomes thought. jon mentionned that one of the reasons that zen and buddhism interested him is because they don’t require you to believe in something that may or may not exist, that the only thing you have to believe in is the power of your own mind and your self. talking with him about such topics absolutely thrilled me! so that was my good weekend…

when hyon gak sunim spoke to the zen group many nites ago, he mentionned a trip that he had taken to the south, home of the bible belt. he mentionned that many christians did not understand what he spoke about- what compassion meant, how to listen and how to absorb. some people called the master blasphemous and said that he would rot in hell.
then, when i saw seven years in tibet, i saw chinese devastate the tibetans for no good reason. even when the chinese visited the tibetans, they ruined the sand painting and noted that religion is poison.

why? i don’t understand why religion infuriates people so much? yes, the crusades were fought over religion and many people die in the name of god. i can see why groups are pissed at such religious people. by why the tibetans? or the buddhists? what have they done for others to be so infuriated by them? why do christians despise buddhists? or more particlarly, those practicing zen? none of zen’s views even conflict with christianity yet it is a threat?

as far as i can tell, zen buddhism does not cause a threat to any other religion. in many ways, it would be an excellent enrichment to most western religions. but, like one western religion views another, western religions view zen as a threat and a blasphemy. but what is blasphemy? i always thought that it was something against god… i don’t see zen as beeing against god, rather pro-you. if you want to use god as one of your “toys,” go for it- it may help you. maybe that’s the problem- god should not be a toy… i guess christianity allows you to reach nirvana without anything but belief… religion confuses me…

i had the most amazing experience tonite- one of those experiences that keeps a smile on your face and gets your heart pounding and fills your body with chills of excitement. having gotten into a pattern of attending meditations and monday dharma talks, i happily walked over to manning chapel last nite at 8 with shoe. we arrived and the schedule went as normal. we sat for a half hour and it was one of my best sits ever. i enjoyed every minute of it and i did not struggle too much to stay awake or keep my mind off of things. i was able to successfully breathe out the thoughts that entered my mind. it was such a relief after some of my more horrid sits (especially that morning at 6:30 am meditation). after the meditation, the abbott of the providence zen center gave the dharma talk. what an experience!
he began his talk mentionning his recent trip. he had just gotten back from wake forest, explaining to students what zen is and why it is important. being in the heart of the bible belt, many people treated him as a blasphemous idiot. even in the classroom, students tried to intellectualize what he was saying, opening their websites to definitions of dharma rather than hearing his words. even on the way back from north carolina, the man next to him (coming back from a meeting with billy graham) was ashamed to show his interest in the master’s words (filled with references to the bible after having studied it to talk to the people in north carolina). no matter what story people tell me, bringing it to reality is so much more concrete for me and i greatly appreciated his tale.

questions began and one student asked such a great question: if you should not be attached to anything, why are there robes and statues and rituals and beads, etc that all zen students use? “toys.” he said that all of the silly frilly objects that are associated with practicing zen are just toys for zen students. he explained a story where children are trapped inside a burning building, engrossed with the current toy and their parents get them out by putting a million better toys in a cart on the outside and saying, “hey come look at these toys” and the children rush out. the same thing hold for buddhism- any way that you can relieve yourself of suffering should be done. that is what buddha says.

and he continued on to tell other stories and explain other things but it was not just his words that made him special- the stories are not all original. it was the way he told them. armed with a mastery of the english language and a great wit, he was so enjoyable to hear. and he glowed.

after thanking him tonite, we started talking. apparently he is interested in setting up a cooperative of sorts which would house zen students and be a location on the east side for meditation practice. my eyes exploded- more than anything else, i would like to be a part of that. i would even be willing to deal with the consequences from my mother (oh boy!). that is what i want to do- i want to live in a fashion that is not counterproductive to my philosophy and thoughts. i want to be able to explore my self with others and learn on that level. i was so overjoyed at the thought. i offered to help him so hopefully we can work something out where that can be done…

if only…

…………

from the morning…

i went to morning meditation again this morning. shoe did not come but kate did (thank goodness she woke me up because my roommate turned off my alarm). although the 108 bows are rather helpful, the feeling in my hands are not; it is not regular pain but rather the result of my carpal tunnel.. i need to learn how to bow without that pain because i know that it will only get worse.. the chanting was ecstatic- boy do i love chanting! i may sound miserable and i may not be able to carry a tune to save my life and i may say the words all funny but it harmonizes me with the world and i love that feeling. then there was the 30 minute meditation.. why was today so bad? i felt so sick, halfway thru i thought that i was bound to pass out- my stomach all flushed and frustrated and my body aching for no reason. i kept with it though- trying to ignore the agony which unfortunately did not work. my body thanked claire when she finally hit the sticks. why was that meditation so bad? i hope that tonite is far better!

this morning i attended my first 6:30 AM meditation/chanting. jon even voluntarily joined shoe and i although i feel large twinges of guilt because i do not think that he enjoyed himself. i have been working to overcome that because i know that it is not my place to feel guilty about such a thing. regardless, i enjoyed my morning. although shoe despised the “prostrations,” i found much relief in them. more notably, i enjoyed the chants. although they were utterly new to me, the act of talking along with the group cleared my mind better than anything else and it was easier to get back when thoughts entered my mind. the 30 minute meditation did hurt though. i could not stop my mind from wandering towards the end and that utterly frustrated me. in addition, i could feel the pain and frustration of shoe and jon seeping into me. overall, i greatly enjoyed the morning.
until later… somehow, after breakfast my lower back gave in and i started feeling what seemed like premenstrual pains in my lower abdomen area (and i know that they are not pms pains). the pain was too much and i went back to bed, missing my first class. although by default i blamed the morning practice (terrible but involuntarily), i am convinced that it was just a coincidence. regardless, it was very frustrating and gave the day a negative air.

my brother arrived today and we have been rebonding. it is strange how much we change when we spend so much time away from one another. but i do miss him dreadfully. it is also interesting to see how i have changed since i left him. it is kind of odd that he has no sense of the importance of money when i have it so embedded into my mind out of necessity. i also worry about him… hopefully he will get to go to college (if only he would decide where!) and i hope that it is near me… i really do love that boy!

i am going to go with shoe to early morning chanting and meditation tomorrow and i am pretty psyhed about it. it is almost a good thing that there are no interviews tomorrow.. or maybe it is a bad thing; i have not decided.
as much as i am trying not to be nervous, i cannot help the little flickly feeling inside my stomach that screams “you’re gonna fuck up” whenever i think about the interviews. intellectually, i know fully well that i should not be fearing the interviews- there is nothing right or wrong about what is said in interviews. i cannot make a fool out of myself except to me and my ego. why is that so important? why is it so crucial that i do the right thing and make my ego look good? what will it take to get over that?

in ninth grade, i was afraid of talking over the loudspeaker. i avoided it at all costs. even though i was on student council and all student council members gave announcements, i avoided that at all costs. one day i realized that my avoidance was only causing me more problems. the more time i spent avoiding talking over the loudspeaker, the more time i hurt myself. in order to overcome it, i applied for a job as a sports announcer. my first day was miserable- i was quiet and afraid of the microphone. then a friend came up and told me to be myself.. that’s all that people wanted to hear anyhow. very soon later, i was energetic and enjoying myself.. i told jokes and had a fun time. people enjoyed when i was the announcer and i got compliments regularly. from that point on, i was never afriad of the microphone or loudspeaker…

in order to overcome my fear, i need to force myself into an inverview. even if the first one is miserable, just doing it will help me…

obession hit me today- not bad obsession but definitely obsession.
i entered my room around 2:15 this afternoon, took one look at it and thought “its cleaning time.” without complaint or unhappiness, i spead through my room, collected 10 loads worth of four people’s dirty laundry, removed cans half lingering on the shelves, tossed used bandaids and random half-torn papers, grouped belongings by person, organized winter versus summer clothes and packed that which is to go home with my mother this weekend. my ability to move when motivated astonished even me. a simple chore was enjoyable because i was motivated to do it and as a result only took 2.5 hours to do (normally, cleaning messes like that takes days due to my disinterest). although i still have a few more loads of laundry, i felt very happy with my accomplishments and am still shocked at my productivity.

for the last two days, i have felt nothing but happily productive. sitting on the new york subway, i happily blocked out everyone’s personally created noise and that of the train and read kaye’s zen at work. i had no trouble concentrating and enjoyed the read.

what has given me so much energy? is it because i am more happy than usual based on daily life improvements? or is it a fluke? i prefer to think the former but we will see tomorrow &ltgrin> regardless, today has been a superb day.