remember how i told you about flirting with a waitress in a bar, being a punk with my cousin? well, the chick remembers me. you see, i was sitting in a public space in the big city that i am currently living in, reading the recent copy of ms. magazine (an aweful article about how men in india are using acid to burn faces of women who “wrong them” by not marrying them or letting them have second wives)…. anyhow, i was reading and she comes up to me. “remember me?” she asked. of course i remembered her. i grinned, half out of embarrassment for being completely sober and running into the woman that i flirted with in a drunken stupor and half for the fact that she remembered me.

i laughed for the rest of the nite.

later that evening, after mexican, 2 of my friends and i went to a local urban outfitters and purchased this book called all about me and wrote for 70 pages all the details about ourselves, from what we look for in a friend to our past to our dreams, to whether we prefer hot or cold. it was quite cute, although my one friend was less than appreciative because she said it reminded her of all of her faults.. that was sad.

i am having severe motivational issues. it is extremely dumb too. there is no reason for me not to be motivated but the main problem is that it is picky motivational issues. like, i am highly motivated to finish my project and to do the thinking.. i am just currently anti-implimentation. i really have no desire to actuall do it.. just to think about it. erg. this is not helping my productivity. i am awefully curious what is causing this because i am not quite sure.

to make matters worse, it is not just about my work or what society would call my work, but it is about everything. for example, sex. i am highly motivated to talk about and think about sex.. but i am really not in the mood to have any. me! this is me we are talking about. somehow, i am not motivated to have sex?!?!?! this is a problem (ask my lover who will say it is a BIG problem). i feel badly about this whole situation.. i want to figure out where my head is if it is not in real space.. just in theoretical space. very peculiar.

at least i am writing…

ah! last nite was so american raver nite. at 10 pm, jon and i met in a parking lot with a ton of other people to learn where the secret location of the party would be. once we got it, we started a caravan of cars out to the parking lot. there, we took a smaller shuttle of people to the edge of a road where they dropped us off and we ran into the woods. unfortunately, this was the wrong place and we ended up jumping back into the car and heading out for the “correct” place. all commando style of course. no talking, minimum headlights, etc. then, when dropped off at the correct place, we raced into the woods where “ninjas” picked us up with glow sticks and took us on a 1/4 mile hike through the woods to the sand dunes where the party was to be held. mind you, the location was determined by a satellite picture of the area, so we were pretty damn far away from civilization. frankly, i didn’t realize that this section of the country had such sand dunes, but sure enough!

it was so wonderful to be at an outdoor rave with so many friends and people that i know. blacklights, glow sticks, djs, drums… wonderful. noone was able to get drugs for the party so it was pretty dry. i danced, and chilled and talked with people all nite. most of my nite was actually spent with a friend who has graduated. he was one of those people in my years at school that gives me a chill vibe ALWAYS. anyhow, for the first time, we actually sat down and talked … all nite. that was super cool!

morning reached and i couldn’t bare to stay up any longer so i went to the dorm room of a friend and begged her to let me take a shower and sleep. she laughed and let me in. i crashed all day in her room while my companion went off chasing girls and watching movies. it was exciting and playful!

i am starting to make sense of what i am feelings… of course, starting is the key word in th3 sentence.

one of the weirdest things has happened to me over the last couple of months. i met these two people when studying abroad and they really fucked with my mind.

before going abroad, i used to always think that i just thought in a “weird” fashion and would never find others who thought like me. before going abroad, i went through all of my interests and desires and attempted to come up with the associated label for each element of me by which others might identify. then, once i thought that i had a term by which people are categorized, i attempted to find others who also identified under that term. in this way, i tried to find a “community” of others who thought like me. i sought out geeks/nerds, women/womyn/feminists, lesbians/bisexuals/queers, punks, deadheads, ravers, cyber-fiends, goths, preps, hippies, literary folk, christians (the loving thing…), buddhists, intellectuals, etc. this did not get me very far. many of these people were cool and often we had something or another in common. but, they were not my community. they did not fulfil my needs, mentally and emotionally. i continued to walk around devoid, lonely and frustrated

see, the core of me never identified with these people. in particular, my sex and sexual identifications. it is as though all of the communities thrived on these binaries, these definitions. queerness rarely implied fluidity and all of the communities were about adopting a definition of oneself and being proud of it. unfortunately, their definitions were frequently as destructive to those who were not included as they were benefitial to those finally included in someth ing. frankly, i just wanted to find a place to feel included.

i never really looked into groups whose identifications didn’t match mine. this was not intentional (well, in some cases – such as the muslims – it was) but rather out of a lack of time and energy. you see, each time i found a new group to explore, i put my heart and soul into it. i tried to do everything they were doing so that i fit in visably so that i could see if they were right from me. my appearance changed constantly but i was never really comfortable. it was getting to such a degree of frustration that i had given up completely. my wardrobe became standard and i stopped dressing to please. i began the constant appearance of overalls and white t-shirts with a few exceptions depending on my mood . i stopped doing my hair except when i was bored and curious. hell, i shaved it outta annoyance. at first, being abroad was frustrating. although i had a similar identity to the people i was with, we really never clicked. and then i met these two people who really changed my reality.

the two i met sorta identified as queer, sorta identified as trans, sorta sorta sorta. neither really felt entirely at home with any group they were often portrayed to be a part of. but i wasn’t getting to know them in a group setting. they were my friends, individually primarily. neither had chosen paths of life similar to my own, yet somehow they seemed to understand me and i them. we didn’t have all that much in common, yet we thought alike on so many levels. it really boggled my mind and fucked with me head to foot. even as i sit here writing this, i don’t really know how i connected with them but somehow i did. unfortunately, i was there temporarily and i am back to my haunch in the states, feel ing a bit lonely and sad. only now i know that my community exists out t here somewhere, only scattered all apart and with no clear cut indentity. i just hope to find more people who think like me.

the one thing i know through all this is that sex/gender “crap” (for a lack of a better expression) is really what most people don’t see eye-to-eye with me. i don’t identify as trans because i am not trying to be something i am not nor am i trying to transcend anything. i just don’t think much of it. i like my body and i like giving it pleasure. i like certain touches and textures, pressure s and caresses. i like doing certain things to people, partially dependent on t heir own desires and pleasures, and partially on mine. i like thinking and dressing, acting and thinking the way i do. i don’t really want to put it into a box nor do i want to box people with whom i am sharing pleasure. frankly, i just want to be left alone. left alone by society and his expectations and binaries. (i mean, if society was really an it, do you really think it would have such expectations of us??) why does it matter who shares a bed with me or how i dress when i am going to work? i mean, as long as pleasure is shared and work gets done, what else matters?? it just seems outright dumb to me.

sure, some people share those general feelings as part of a group… but they don’t really live it. the two i met abroad… they really got it and damn did i enjoy their company.

WAH! i am so frustrated and annoyed so i am gonna rant to you, my little text shell that peeks me into the great outdoors of the world wide web. pissy, i tell you, outright fucking pissy. it is 1999. you would think that the simplest basicest things in computing would be figured out, no? like why the hell can’t someone create real gui library that lets me create simple things. and how difficult is it to blend 2D and 3D??? not to say that i am willing to do that but i would like someone else to get their ass in gear and create what i need to program the simplest cutest little applications.

but no, it is not that simple. for the last 10 hours, i have been staring at this monitor – mind you, it was done by someone using these shitty-ass gui packages…. i want pick and pull guis and simple things like that. grumble. bitch. whine. pissy. pissy, i tell you. i just want to take my idea and get it implemented. POW! like that.. just done. snap of the fingers. instead, i have to waste hours and hours dealing with crap, not thinking, letting my carpal-tunneled wrists get annoyed because noone has gotten together and made a real library. computing is going nowhere.

i don’t normally put emails in my diary entries but i wrote an email that explains part of me that i have not expressed yet and thus am going to put various excerpts here. note – the entire message is not here and specifically the parts related to the individual at hand. this email is a response to a request for love advice.

this is my letter o’ advice and thoughts. i need to preempt all statements with a reminder. i don’t see the world like other people. i have my own way at seeing things and dealing with people. sometimes, it gets me into tons of shit; other times, it does me really good. thus, i am going to attempt to give you advice in multiple format – how i would deal with it and what i think might be best for you. now, you also have to realize that i am expressing my philosophies on life and i try my damndest to live ’em but i fuck up like any other human and lose good friendships/lovers that way. thus, it is an ideal but not necessarily feasible for you.

but, there is also an important lesson here. others and i can give you tons of advice and perspective but it doesn’t mean a damn thing if it is not right for you. this is your life and you are the one who is going to reek the benefits and problems from any decision you make. don’t do something because it is right for one of us – do it cause its right for you. believe in the decision you make and do it with your full heart. if you do something half-assed, everyone will know it and no one will gain a damn thing. take the advice you get and filter it into your heart and let your heart tell you exactly what you need to do. the real answer is within you – not within us.

in my book, all relationships (platonic or sexual) MUST be founded on one simple concept – trust. lack of trust comes out in the form of unnecessary jealousy and restrictions on the other’s actions. a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but only if it is openly discussed and recognized. personally, i believe that true trust and understanding of one another can transcend all jealousy. it is that belief that forces me in my relationships to attempt to transcend that. i recognize that the natural forces are to return to jealousy but i believe that is a weakness of humans and that with effort and belief, it can be overcome. when it is overcome, i also believe that the relationship becomes unbreakably strong and can resist normal pressures. this does not mean that people don’t grow apart but that the dumb things that break two people apart are no longer a threat.

if something is in your nature, your lover needs to see that as a part of you and love it if s/he truly loves you. if you need multiple bonds with people, a true lover recognizes that as well. when your lover forces hir only thoughts/beliefs on a situation, s/he is not recognizing you, but only what s/he wants you to be to suit hir needs. that is not healthy. you have unique needs and desires as a human being and you need to determine what they are, both for sexual and platonic relationships. once you know what you need, you have got to express that to those people you care about. if they can accept you for you, you have a base from which to work on a relationship. if s/he cannot see that as you, s/he will never truly love you because s/he doesn’t see you as you truly are. so many relationships are selfishly motivated. now, there is also a difference between what you need and what you desire. what elements of you are unalterable and if modified will cause you great harm? don’t relax what you need to be with someone – no one is worth that.

the first 6 months of a relationship are the honeymoon – you relax your beliefs to try to figure out if the two of your are compatable. then, it gets to a point where the things that are essential to you are being compromised and this is not acceptable. darling, don’t wait until the honeymoon is over – recognize what is being compromised and what are not willing to give up and discuss it. if you don’t, it will only blow up in your face when you can no longer handle it. when this happens, it will be far more painful than any effort right now. the longer you hide the truth of who you are and what you need, the larger the pain will be.

you know the answer. no matter what is said, i cannot offer the “perfect” statement of what you should do. your words describe everything you need to do, only they are hidden in the fear you have of doing them. don’t look for approval – do what you need to do to make you happy. your friends do not need to validate your actions; they validate you by being true to you.

well, the weekend has passed but not without its share of drama. my 5 hour travel turned into 10 each way. i forgot the pains of east coast american traveling. sat through a new york accident and bullshit 35 mile an hour local roads at 5AM. so painful. i managed to find sleep for around 3 hours this morning in a connecticut mcdonalds rest stop (not too specific since all stops have mcdonalds but i was too dilerious to really know which one i was at anyhow).

the intention of the trip and the willingness to endure the resultant pain was to finally see my family. since i returned from abroad, i had not had the opportunity to see my family. unfortunately, i don’t think that they understand.

i should rephrase that. i doubt that my mother ever understands my life or choices or directions. she seems to believe that every action i ever make is to spite her and thus she remembers the bad but never the good. thus, this weekend was quite painful. my hair was too short and my piercings too innappropriate. i was dressed too much like a boy and didn’t shave often enough. i was too forgetful of her and out to cause her pain, ignorant of how she feels. basically, it came down to the general statement – i am a selfish bitch and have no consideration for her or her needs or how much effort she puts into me. graduate school is a waste of money and i am being ridiculous and selfish – i should pay back my college loans first! i don’t call enough; i don’t email enough; i don’t visit enough. it doesn’t matter what i do – it is never enough.

unfortunately, i don’t think that i will ever be able to win and am getting to the point that i feel like i should stop trying. it is just better for my soul if i am not so dependent on how she feels about me. i feel as though her actions push me further away each time and that is hard to realize.

i also feel terribly about my brother – he is who i am the worst to. it is just so hard to deal with my mother separately and he gets the brunt of it. he is such a good kid too – i like him more and more as he grows up. but, according to my mother, he is far too defensive of me. that hurts.

erg. this weekend hurt.

punks. trouble makers. but, hell, that’s the way we like to be. we have fun running around, causing trouble. one friend has been there for 21 years – my cousin. well, you see, he isn’t exactly my cousin but i never knew anything different. our parents were best friends (none of them talk anymore) and we grew up together. man, we can cause trouble together

you see, my cous is a goofball. it is the best description of him. he is tall and lanky and bouncy. he has crazy thoughts in his head and can make you laugh at the drop of a bucket. utter sweetheart.

i am living in yet another new city but the nice part is that my cous is not too far away from me. last nite, we got the bright idea to get together. made dinner, talked drugs, talked shit, decided to go to the bars. oops. well, the waitress was a sweetheart so we spent the nite talking about how to hit on her. the drunker i got, the bolder i got and i was trying to show him how to get a girl the right way. as you can imagine, it got quite silly.

classic of classic, i left a single note written on a napkin:

you’re cute.
keep your smile
and
keep your attitude

over the last two days, i have been reading stone butch blues by leslie feinberg and it has sent me into a mental twirl that i don’t understand. i find myself questioning each decision i made and wondering where i stand today. for whatever reason, i have had these glum feelings, not exactly feeling right on par with the world. talking to a friend today, i expressed these concerns in the only way i can possibly understand. somehow, i feel as though i belong to the ‘deviant’ crowd under most terms, yet am identified by outsiders as part of the norm. thus, i don’t feel as though i fit in with those who identify as the norm and i don’t feel as though i belong with those who are considered deviant. as a result, i just feel lonely in general.

loneliness is one of the worst feelings because 99% of the time, it is my own damn fault. there are people around me, yet i cannot connect with them in any meaningful way. in addition, those who i feel as though i can connect with seem distant, either in location or situation. so, how can i manage to deal with these feelings in a healthy manner? certainly, i don’t want to live my life constantly lonely.

the other problem is my constant problem – a battle of mental survival. how can i survive at work and in my personal spheres without giving up any of my self? i find that i need to act in a stone manner to get through the work day ok. but i don’t like the result of acting in a stone manner in my personal life. unfortunately, i have learned the hard way that my work is not particularly in tune with tenderness. unfortunately, this does not help the lonesome feelings within me.

unfortunately, i have only found that society exists to harden you and make you feel worse about who you are. i long to be complimented for being the unique me that i am to the point where i am accepted. words become bullshit. i am so tired of being complimented in private and then mocked in public. i want to see the straight white masculine men ‘get it’, really understand how they are hurting us who are not like them. i long for equality and acceptance but those dreams are continuously smashed by outsiders.

today, i received an email forward. normally, i ignore them as they are usually a nusiance. but this one caught my eye and i decided to read it before i trashed it. jerry falwell (one of my favorite people in the world…) has been a large-scale heterosexist homophobic figure. apparently, in his latest autobiography, he discussed how he was a staunch segragationalist (with respect to race) and how he learned through various events that he was mistaken and decided to do what was necessary to right his wrongs. in this letter, another minister called him on his homophobia, suggesting that he may be doing the same thing here. although, i completely understood the point, i knew the jerry did not. see, for whatever reason, anything related to sex automatically becomes separate in our culture. pleasure is sin. how can this be altered?

ani difranco’s talk to me now sums up how i feel better than anyone or anything else can.

he said ani, you’ve gotten tough because my tone was curt
yeah, and when i’m approached in a dark alley i don’t lift my skirt
in this city, self preservation is a full-time occupation
i’m determine to survive on these shores; i don’t avert my eyes anymore
in a man’s world i am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around i have found they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
i played the powerless in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death and i guess i just want some say in between
don’t you understand in the day to day in the face to face
i have to act as strong as i can just to preserve a place where i can be who i am
so if you still know how, you can talk to me now

i can’t stop the tears and my stomach is raging, praying that i will voluntarily empty it, as if that would stop the mental agony. ten pages at a time and i am back to utter tears. it has been a long time since a story captured my insides as well as my brain. i feel so shattered and so confused by leslie’s words, yet i know that s/he is so right on. and i want so desperately to understand why they touch me as they do.

right now, i cannot get passed jess’s breakup with theresa and one thought quote haunts me so terribly, forcing me to realize something that i did not want to accept. i’ve worked hard to be descriminated against as a lesbian. what makes someone do that? why do we want to be descriminated against in order to prove that we are part of the culture? this feels like such an american concept, yet it can’t be just us that do this. it seems like masochism but there is more to it than that. identity pulls us in a way that nothing else does. it drags our souls through the mud so that we can understand what we mean to ourselves. yet it kills me to see it happen.

you see, if a lesbian can’t accept a transgendered individual, who can? it just makes the loneliness so much worse and goddess knows i don’t want to see others lonely. why is one’s sex and gender so determining of hir partner? why can’t people get past it? why is sexual orientation so limiting and controlling? it is not just about physical attraction; it is also about what you will and won’t do mentally.

last week, i saw dreamlife of angels, a french movie about two young women and their friendship and relationship with guys. another hard life portrayed elegantly by film makers who must have understood. more than anything, it made me think, what the hell did i do to get so lucky? yeah, i am hurting like hell but in the scheme of things, i am doing pretty darn well. and if i feel like this, and i am doing well, i cannot imagine what hell some people are currently experiencing. it is not like i want to feel their pain, i just don’t want anyone to have to.

i cannot believe that a humane, loving god could possibly exist.