over the last two days, i have been reading stone butch blues by leslie feinberg and it has sent me into a mental twirl that i don’t understand. i find myself questioning each decision i made and wondering where i stand today. for whatever reason, i have had these glum feelings, not exactly feeling right on par with the world. talking to a friend today, i expressed these concerns in the only way i can possibly understand. somehow, i feel as though i belong to the ‘deviant’ crowd under most terms, yet am identified by outsiders as part of the norm. thus, i don’t feel as though i fit in with those who identify as the norm and i don’t feel as though i belong with those who are considered deviant. as a result, i just feel lonely in general.

loneliness is one of the worst feelings because 99% of the time, it is my own damn fault. there are people around me, yet i cannot connect with them in any meaningful way. in addition, those who i feel as though i can connect with seem distant, either in location or situation. so, how can i manage to deal with these feelings in a healthy manner? certainly, i don’t want to live my life constantly lonely.

the other problem is my constant problem – a battle of mental survival. how can i survive at work and in my personal spheres without giving up any of my self? i find that i need to act in a stone manner to get through the work day ok. but i don’t like the result of acting in a stone manner in my personal life. unfortunately, i have learned the hard way that my work is not particularly in tune with tenderness. unfortunately, this does not help the lonesome feelings within me.

unfortunately, i have only found that society exists to harden you and make you feel worse about who you are. i long to be complimented for being the unique me that i am to the point where i am accepted. words become bullshit. i am so tired of being complimented in private and then mocked in public. i want to see the straight white masculine men ‘get it’, really understand how they are hurting us who are not like them. i long for equality and acceptance but those dreams are continuously smashed by outsiders.

today, i received an email forward. normally, i ignore them as they are usually a nusiance. but this one caught my eye and i decided to read it before i trashed it. jerry falwell (one of my favorite people in the world…) has been a large-scale heterosexist homophobic figure. apparently, in his latest autobiography, he discussed how he was a staunch segragationalist (with respect to race) and how he learned through various events that he was mistaken and decided to do what was necessary to right his wrongs. in this letter, another minister called him on his homophobia, suggesting that he may be doing the same thing here. although, i completely understood the point, i knew the jerry did not. see, for whatever reason, anything related to sex automatically becomes separate in our culture. pleasure is sin. how can this be altered?

ani difranco’s talk to me now sums up how i feel better than anyone or anything else can.

he said ani, you’ve gotten tough because my tone was curt
yeah, and when i’m approached in a dark alley i don’t lift my skirt
in this city, self preservation is a full-time occupation
i’m determine to survive on these shores; i don’t avert my eyes anymore
in a man’s world i am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around i have found they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
i played the powerless in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death and i guess i just want some say in between
don’t you understand in the day to day in the face to face
i have to act as strong as i can just to preserve a place where i can be who i am
so if you still know how, you can talk to me now

i can’t stop the tears and my stomach is raging, praying that i will voluntarily empty it, as if that would stop the mental agony. ten pages at a time and i am back to utter tears. it has been a long time since a story captured my insides as well as my brain. i feel so shattered and so confused by leslie’s words, yet i know that s/he is so right on. and i want so desperately to understand why they touch me as they do.

right now, i cannot get passed jess’s breakup with theresa and one thought quote haunts me so terribly, forcing me to realize something that i did not want to accept. i’ve worked hard to be descriminated against as a lesbian. what makes someone do that? why do we want to be descriminated against in order to prove that we are part of the culture? this feels like such an american concept, yet it can’t be just us that do this. it seems like masochism but there is more to it than that. identity pulls us in a way that nothing else does. it drags our souls through the mud so that we can understand what we mean to ourselves. yet it kills me to see it happen.

you see, if a lesbian can’t accept a transgendered individual, who can? it just makes the loneliness so much worse and goddess knows i don’t want to see others lonely. why is one’s sex and gender so determining of hir partner? why can’t people get past it? why is sexual orientation so limiting and controlling? it is not just about physical attraction; it is also about what you will and won’t do mentally.

last week, i saw dreamlife of angels, a french movie about two young women and their friendship and relationship with guys. another hard life portrayed elegantly by film makers who must have understood. more than anything, it made me think, what the hell did i do to get so lucky? yeah, i am hurting like hell but in the scheme of things, i am doing pretty darn well. and if i feel like this, and i am doing well, i cannot imagine what hell some people are currently experiencing. it is not like i want to feel their pain, i just don’t want anyone to have to.

i cannot believe that a humane, loving god could possibly exist.