well, the weekend has passed but not without its share of drama. my 5 hour travel turned into 10 each way. i forgot the pains of east coast american traveling. sat through a new york accident and bullshit 35 mile an hour local roads at 5AM. so painful. i managed to find sleep for around 3 hours this morning in a connecticut mcdonalds rest stop (not too specific since all stops have mcdonalds but i was too dilerious to really know which one i was at anyhow).

the intention of the trip and the willingness to endure the resultant pain was to finally see my family. since i returned from abroad, i had not had the opportunity to see my family. unfortunately, i don’t think that they understand.

i should rephrase that. i doubt that my mother ever understands my life or choices or directions. she seems to believe that every action i ever make is to spite her and thus she remembers the bad but never the good. thus, this weekend was quite painful. my hair was too short and my piercings too innappropriate. i was dressed too much like a boy and didn’t shave often enough. i was too forgetful of her and out to cause her pain, ignorant of how she feels. basically, it came down to the general statement – i am a selfish bitch and have no consideration for her or her needs or how much effort she puts into me. graduate school is a waste of money and i am being ridiculous and selfish – i should pay back my college loans first! i don’t call enough; i don’t email enough; i don’t visit enough. it doesn’t matter what i do – it is never enough.

unfortunately, i don’t think that i will ever be able to win and am getting to the point that i feel like i should stop trying. it is just better for my soul if i am not so dependent on how she feels about me. i feel as though her actions push me further away each time and that is hard to realize.

i also feel terribly about my brother – he is who i am the worst to. it is just so hard to deal with my mother separately and he gets the brunt of it. he is such a good kid too – i like him more and more as he grows up. but, according to my mother, he is far too defensive of me. that hurts.

erg. this weekend hurt.