i don’t normally put emails in my diary entries but i wrote an email that explains part of me that i have not expressed yet and thus am going to put various excerpts here. note – the entire message is not here and specifically the parts related to the individual at hand. this email is a response to a request for love advice.

this is my letter o’ advice and thoughts. i need to preempt all statements with a reminder. i don’t see the world like other people. i have my own way at seeing things and dealing with people. sometimes, it gets me into tons of shit; other times, it does me really good. thus, i am going to attempt to give you advice in multiple format – how i would deal with it and what i think might be best for you. now, you also have to realize that i am expressing my philosophies on life and i try my damndest to live ’em but i fuck up like any other human and lose good friendships/lovers that way. thus, it is an ideal but not necessarily feasible for you.

but, there is also an important lesson here. others and i can give you tons of advice and perspective but it doesn’t mean a damn thing if it is not right for you. this is your life and you are the one who is going to reek the benefits and problems from any decision you make. don’t do something because it is right for one of us – do it cause its right for you. believe in the decision you make and do it with your full heart. if you do something half-assed, everyone will know it and no one will gain a damn thing. take the advice you get and filter it into your heart and let your heart tell you exactly what you need to do. the real answer is within you – not within us.

in my book, all relationships (platonic or sexual) MUST be founded on one simple concept – trust. lack of trust comes out in the form of unnecessary jealousy and restrictions on the other’s actions. a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but only if it is openly discussed and recognized. personally, i believe that true trust and understanding of one another can transcend all jealousy. it is that belief that forces me in my relationships to attempt to transcend that. i recognize that the natural forces are to return to jealousy but i believe that is a weakness of humans and that with effort and belief, it can be overcome. when it is overcome, i also believe that the relationship becomes unbreakably strong and can resist normal pressures. this does not mean that people don’t grow apart but that the dumb things that break two people apart are no longer a threat.

if something is in your nature, your lover needs to see that as a part of you and love it if s/he truly loves you. if you need multiple bonds with people, a true lover recognizes that as well. when your lover forces hir only thoughts/beliefs on a situation, s/he is not recognizing you, but only what s/he wants you to be to suit hir needs. that is not healthy. you have unique needs and desires as a human being and you need to determine what they are, both for sexual and platonic relationships. once you know what you need, you have got to express that to those people you care about. if they can accept you for you, you have a base from which to work on a relationship. if s/he cannot see that as you, s/he will never truly love you because s/he doesn’t see you as you truly are. so many relationships are selfishly motivated. now, there is also a difference between what you need and what you desire. what elements of you are unalterable and if modified will cause you great harm? don’t relax what you need to be with someone – no one is worth that.

the first 6 months of a relationship are the honeymoon – you relax your beliefs to try to figure out if the two of your are compatable. then, it gets to a point where the things that are essential to you are being compromised and this is not acceptable. darling, don’t wait until the honeymoon is over – recognize what is being compromised and what are not willing to give up and discuss it. if you don’t, it will only blow up in your face when you can no longer handle it. when this happens, it will be far more painful than any effort right now. the longer you hide the truth of who you are and what you need, the larger the pain will be.

you know the answer. no matter what is said, i cannot offer the “perfect” statement of what you should do. your words describe everything you need to do, only they are hidden in the fear you have of doing them. don’t look for approval – do what you need to do to make you happy. your friends do not need to validate your actions; they validate you by being true to you.

well, the weekend has passed but not without its share of drama. my 5 hour travel turned into 10 each way. i forgot the pains of east coast american traveling. sat through a new york accident and bullshit 35 mile an hour local roads at 5AM. so painful. i managed to find sleep for around 3 hours this morning in a connecticut mcdonalds rest stop (not too specific since all stops have mcdonalds but i was too dilerious to really know which one i was at anyhow).

the intention of the trip and the willingness to endure the resultant pain was to finally see my family. since i returned from abroad, i had not had the opportunity to see my family. unfortunately, i don’t think that they understand.

i should rephrase that. i doubt that my mother ever understands my life or choices or directions. she seems to believe that every action i ever make is to spite her and thus she remembers the bad but never the good. thus, this weekend was quite painful. my hair was too short and my piercings too innappropriate. i was dressed too much like a boy and didn’t shave often enough. i was too forgetful of her and out to cause her pain, ignorant of how she feels. basically, it came down to the general statement – i am a selfish bitch and have no consideration for her or her needs or how much effort she puts into me. graduate school is a waste of money and i am being ridiculous and selfish – i should pay back my college loans first! i don’t call enough; i don’t email enough; i don’t visit enough. it doesn’t matter what i do – it is never enough.

unfortunately, i don’t think that i will ever be able to win and am getting to the point that i feel like i should stop trying. it is just better for my soul if i am not so dependent on how she feels about me. i feel as though her actions push me further away each time and that is hard to realize.

i also feel terribly about my brother – he is who i am the worst to. it is just so hard to deal with my mother separately and he gets the brunt of it. he is such a good kid too – i like him more and more as he grows up. but, according to my mother, he is far too defensive of me. that hurts.

erg. this weekend hurt.

punks. trouble makers. but, hell, that’s the way we like to be. we have fun running around, causing trouble. one friend has been there for 21 years – my cousin. well, you see, he isn’t exactly my cousin but i never knew anything different. our parents were best friends (none of them talk anymore) and we grew up together. man, we can cause trouble together

you see, my cous is a goofball. it is the best description of him. he is tall and lanky and bouncy. he has crazy thoughts in his head and can make you laugh at the drop of a bucket. utter sweetheart.

i am living in yet another new city but the nice part is that my cous is not too far away from me. last nite, we got the bright idea to get together. made dinner, talked drugs, talked shit, decided to go to the bars. oops. well, the waitress was a sweetheart so we spent the nite talking about how to hit on her. the drunker i got, the bolder i got and i was trying to show him how to get a girl the right way. as you can imagine, it got quite silly.

classic of classic, i left a single note written on a napkin:

you’re cute.
keep your smile
and
keep your attitude

over the last two days, i have been reading stone butch blues by leslie feinberg and it has sent me into a mental twirl that i don’t understand. i find myself questioning each decision i made and wondering where i stand today. for whatever reason, i have had these glum feelings, not exactly feeling right on par with the world. talking to a friend today, i expressed these concerns in the only way i can possibly understand. somehow, i feel as though i belong to the ‘deviant’ crowd under most terms, yet am identified by outsiders as part of the norm. thus, i don’t feel as though i fit in with those who identify as the norm and i don’t feel as though i belong with those who are considered deviant. as a result, i just feel lonely in general.

loneliness is one of the worst feelings because 99% of the time, it is my own damn fault. there are people around me, yet i cannot connect with them in any meaningful way. in addition, those who i feel as though i can connect with seem distant, either in location or situation. so, how can i manage to deal with these feelings in a healthy manner? certainly, i don’t want to live my life constantly lonely.

the other problem is my constant problem – a battle of mental survival. how can i survive at work and in my personal spheres without giving up any of my self? i find that i need to act in a stone manner to get through the work day ok. but i don’t like the result of acting in a stone manner in my personal life. unfortunately, i have learned the hard way that my work is not particularly in tune with tenderness. unfortunately, this does not help the lonesome feelings within me.

unfortunately, i have only found that society exists to harden you and make you feel worse about who you are. i long to be complimented for being the unique me that i am to the point where i am accepted. words become bullshit. i am so tired of being complimented in private and then mocked in public. i want to see the straight white masculine men ‘get it’, really understand how they are hurting us who are not like them. i long for equality and acceptance but those dreams are continuously smashed by outsiders.

today, i received an email forward. normally, i ignore them as they are usually a nusiance. but this one caught my eye and i decided to read it before i trashed it. jerry falwell (one of my favorite people in the world…) has been a large-scale heterosexist homophobic figure. apparently, in his latest autobiography, he discussed how he was a staunch segragationalist (with respect to race) and how he learned through various events that he was mistaken and decided to do what was necessary to right his wrongs. in this letter, another minister called him on his homophobia, suggesting that he may be doing the same thing here. although, i completely understood the point, i knew the jerry did not. see, for whatever reason, anything related to sex automatically becomes separate in our culture. pleasure is sin. how can this be altered?

ani difranco’s talk to me now sums up how i feel better than anyone or anything else can.

he said ani, you’ve gotten tough because my tone was curt
yeah, and when i’m approached in a dark alley i don’t lift my skirt
in this city, self preservation is a full-time occupation
i’m determine to survive on these shores; i don’t avert my eyes anymore
in a man’s world i am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around i have found they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
i played the powerless in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death and i guess i just want some say in between
don’t you understand in the day to day in the face to face
i have to act as strong as i can just to preserve a place where i can be who i am
so if you still know how, you can talk to me now

i can’t stop the tears and my stomach is raging, praying that i will voluntarily empty it, as if that would stop the mental agony. ten pages at a time and i am back to utter tears. it has been a long time since a story captured my insides as well as my brain. i feel so shattered and so confused by leslie’s words, yet i know that s/he is so right on. and i want so desperately to understand why they touch me as they do.

right now, i cannot get passed jess’s breakup with theresa and one thought quote haunts me so terribly, forcing me to realize something that i did not want to accept. i’ve worked hard to be descriminated against as a lesbian. what makes someone do that? why do we want to be descriminated against in order to prove that we are part of the culture? this feels like such an american concept, yet it can’t be just us that do this. it seems like masochism but there is more to it than that. identity pulls us in a way that nothing else does. it drags our souls through the mud so that we can understand what we mean to ourselves. yet it kills me to see it happen.

you see, if a lesbian can’t accept a transgendered individual, who can? it just makes the loneliness so much worse and goddess knows i don’t want to see others lonely. why is one’s sex and gender so determining of hir partner? why can’t people get past it? why is sexual orientation so limiting and controlling? it is not just about physical attraction; it is also about what you will and won’t do mentally.

last week, i saw dreamlife of angels, a french movie about two young women and their friendship and relationship with guys. another hard life portrayed elegantly by film makers who must have understood. more than anything, it made me think, what the hell did i do to get so lucky? yeah, i am hurting like hell but in the scheme of things, i am doing pretty darn well. and if i feel like this, and i am doing well, i cannot imagine what hell some people are currently experiencing. it is not like i want to feel their pain, i just don’t want anyone to have to.

i cannot believe that a humane, loving god could possibly exist.

sitting at jen’s house, i stared at her yearbook, watching memories of my own high school years flash through my mental vision. i knew nothing of these kids, except for what they presentd in the yearbook, yet i could see who did not belong and why. most of the kids looked related – their clothes and attitude resemebled one another. these were the kids whose faces appeared under titles like “best looking” and “most likely to succeed.” their faces appeared again, under captions of sports teams or school activities. they all looked the same – fresh eyed and ready to party.

these kids did not interest me. i was far more interested in tracking down those were not comfortable in all-american high school. they were easy to spot – their faces looked worn and the expressed anger and frustration in their quotes. it had been a hard four years and these kids were ready to leave, to get out of the hell hole that trapped their growth because they did not belong.

one picture took me in a special way. a young man in a leather jacket, without a smile, hunched over his body, looking tired. under his picture, the caption declared all that his image had already said. he was sick of fighting and being an outcast. as i stared at this picture, i mentally teased with the idea that this young boy was transgendered. his name did not help eliminate this question – alex.

later, at jen’s party, i overheard a few girls discussing one female classmate’s desire to be a man. apparently, this erin appeared at the prom in a tuxedo and expressed her preference towards being considered a man. one girl talked about a run-in with erin where erin accused her of continuing femininity at their school and this young woman was like “duh, i am a woman.” it did not shock me to learn that erin’s preferred name was alex.

and then it struck me. how horrible it must be to grow up in a community like this as a transgendered individual. this was all-american high school, complete with binaries of masculine/feminine, male/female, jock/nerd, cool/dork. at least when you fit into the binaries constructed in high school, you have people like you at your side. as a transgendered individual, that could not be. the loneliness that prevails must drive a young person insane. it saddened me to realize that this must have been hell for alex and i longed to reach out to him and tell him that it was going to be all right in the end.

floods of aweful high school memories flashed through my brain. remembering barry, a wonderful young man who knew he was gay at an early age and took shit each day for it because the culture could not allow that. remembering the young woman whose names was purely associated with “lezzie” to a point where she learned to live up to their expectation and stalk classmates. remembering jesse’s butch dykeness and very quiet crush on the straight femmes in the school and how she could not ever share this, although everyone saw it in her. remembering the eco-crowd who was always presumed to flourish in bisexuality and became objects of disgust for most of the people in our class. just differing sexuality made high school hell. image being differently gendered…

who created peer pressure and why does this prejudice have to exist at such a young age? it makes me cringe to realize that this is life for most people who are different in any way. how i wish that i could fight and give different kids a chance of survival. but i barely scraped by, with a few lies and the recognition that if i survived high school, i would have the opportunity to leave. how can i help when i have been an utter coward all of these years? but i long to do so, without an understanding of how.