what an amazing weekend i had! i went to new york for the conference on vagina monologues. there were 100 women and 4 gay guys there which was great. i arrived in new york all tired and cranky, not so thrilled that i was having to be there.. but things changed.

at one point, i was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. a crazy girl came up and asked if i could share. of course. we started talking and she already knew everything about me! one thing led to another and she came with me to meet various friends downtown for some drinks. we went, had a good time, chilled out. at one point, this icky boy tried to hit on me and the girl just kissed me and got him off my back. teheh. so we bar hopped and got drunk and got to know each other really well. she is super super cool. we had a great time.

next day, organizational events actually start. craziness begins. i met some wonderful people instantaneously. talked to a gonna-be-lawyer dyke over a cigarette. she was crazy, following the system just in order to change it. tremendous.

the dykes teamed up… slowly all of the dykes were friends and we just started hanging out. at one point, eve has us all moan. that was the end.. now a lot of horny dykes.

we went to see the broadway version of the play (i cried in bosnia, of course). then we headed to the dinner with everyone and the dykes sat together getting to know one another. intense. i lusted after a girl with an amazing body.

we headed to the meow mix, a lesbian bar downtown. the girl that i thought was so unbelievable starting flirting with me. we danced and played, relaxed and drank. it was beautiful. not too long later, we were kissing and she was so amazing. i couldn’t believe it. we talked all nite, got to know each other and have a blast. it was amazing. we took a shower together and curled up in bed together. ah.. so nice.

a description of my halloween:

So, its me. Post halloween and (surprisingly) still alive. So last nite, all hallow’s eve.. nite of mass insanity. Well, a party was to be thrown called “stargazer” and it was going to be the party of parties. The organizers had it all planned out.. 150 tickets only, prepurchased treats (so no random putzs selling), the place was SET for the picture perfect rave. Costumes mandatory, anything goes.. bizareness. Location not disclosed, meeting points.. — basically a damn well planned rave!

So, me being me, recognizing that it would be UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE HOT inside of an indoor rave with lots of people, decided to bring out her Burning Man wear… well, sort of. So that I was not ENTIRELY naked, I went to Miko (sex shop) and bought a cute little pink thongy things. So, donned in silver powder (same stuff inside an etch-a-sketch), I had a bitty pink thing to cover my parts. I had shaved off EVERYTHING so it looked a bit surreal. Add my pink feather wig and damn, was i cute and unrecognizeable. Perfect. Thinking rave rave rave, should be fun.

So, meander, wander, end up at meeting point. Surrealness starting, people crazy. We end up at the party, it is PHAT… craziness everywhere, absolutely unbelievable.. Party party party.. people are starting to peak on various substances (I would say 10% of the people are actually sober). I am sitting with various people smoking pot in a room after ?1.5 hours? of the party. My throat starts itching so I decide to leave the room and head for the more airy part of the place. I start notice that EVERYONE is coughing and I see someone cough up blood.. My mind is really confused. I head towards an open window and, outside, there are 3 cop cars and a LOT of random people. As I am leaning outside, I notice that a guy is breaking into various cars and everything in me starts racing. (I have my car here.) Word gets out, the cops were trying to get in, the producers weren’t letting them, they peppersprayed the entire place through the one door. Everyone out now. They will be back to arrest in 20 minutes.

SHIT. Having planned to stay the entire nite, I was nowhere near capable of driving nor had any desire to do so. Generally, bad idea. Well, thank goodness for straightedged vegans. One of my housemates was dressed as Waldo and I’ll be damned, Waldo can be found when needed! So Waldo agrees to drive my car and the other straight-edged vegans split up to take care of all of the not-so-straight VERY FUCKED UP people. 150 people rush outta that place, all practically puking.

Well, this was not exactly the part of town that I wanted to be in, dressed as a silver and pink poofball, practically naked. Apparently a lot of the locals hang out in that parking lot… So, catcalls start, noises, everything. All of the women who were wearing not-a-lot were getting eyed and grabbed at. Needless to say, I am in an anxiety attack. I had just seen more cars with their windows smashed and I am FRANTIC. Waldo and 2 friends and I are rushing towards where I parked the car. People were circling around me and I was paniky. Then I saw this guy getting into a car with a club on it and the person fiddling with the club. It was a dark car and I just POUNCED on the poor guy. Me, pink and silver poofball, threw a random guy in all black up against a car very hard. Oops. Well, it wasn’t my car and I realized that after about 10 seconds and the fact that the guy had NO idea why I had pounced on him.

I apologized profusely and ducked into my car (literally next to his). Well, the black-donned individuals starting circling my car and Waldo was FLIPPING out, trying to get my club off of my wheel and being like shit shit shit… Cars coming at us, general insanity. We get outta there. Now, for those who know Providence, we are in some sketchy district of Federal Hill. Egads. So, on the way back we pass a million coppers because of where the station is. People are puking blood out of the car windows, everyone is just trying to make it up the hill safely.

I am still a naked poofball.

Everyone agrees to drop me off at my old house, a coop that is having a party, because it is a safe place for me and I am still quite naked. They drive my car back and bring me back safe clothes for later. Well, nakedness amongst random drunken guys did not suit me so I headed upstairs to the bathroom that I knew and loved and talked to myself… calming myself down and back to reality. Definitely a one-on-one scenerio.

Do-de-do, friends came back things calmed down, another party trashed by cops because there were people walking in stilts, playing drums and flutes in the streets in front of the house.. I retreated to my safe-haven of home home home.. Mind you, my room is covered in silver, I am covered in silver, mess mess mess… But SAFE, very very SAFE.

Very surreal nite. Gotta love halloween for a bit of adventure!

i am overly dependent. i have known this for years but still tend to avoid it, as though it does not really exist… but i can feel it within me, every time i am alone. i thrive on dependence, it makes me feel whole, and yet it also makes me feel terrible.

is dependences a bad thing? others always say it is but i am not quite sure. having a relationship with another person, especially a symbiotic relationship teaches you about yourself and another person, how to give up what isn’t important and hold on to the things that matter. i don’t like being a parasite (or a barnacle as my lover calls me). i prefer when the other person has a dependence on me as well.. i want that cooperation in a relationship. without it, i feel lonely.. i need to be needed and i need to need… is that abnormal?

movie nite part a million… this time, saw “fight club”. i walked out of the theatre feeling as though i was stoned, even though i was totally sober. it fucked with my head in the manner that twelve monkeys did… and i enjoyed it. that was the odd part.. i loved the feeling of being fucked with…

it made me rethink my life in so many ways as well.. for example, why do i put such importance onto things that don’t mean anything? how can i change this tendency? why don’t i just _live_ and experience life… instead, i am focused on bullshit and that kills me.

lately, though, i have been standing well on my own. i have written quite a few interesting emails that make me quite proud… i will share them:

to a company
to a women’s organization
i know it is difficult but i just want to figure out how to be most happy…. hard problem though isn’t it?

i am pent up and angry, frustrated and irritable. i am having the world’s worst love/hate rleationship right now… and it is not about sex or sexual desire. that is what bugs me the most. a pure friendship, non-sexual, pure platonic. and yet there is this power tension, this craziness like a sexual relationship. i have learned to manage the power games involved in sex but not the power within a friendship. the competition, the bullshit, the menial fights over nothing. what good is this? why is it so typical of the white straight male? why does it make me so hostile? why do i play along at the same speed and with the same level of importance?

the worst is that i get more angry with myself than with the individual. i am angry at myself for letting this bother me, for still being attracted to someone who makes me so irrate. it becomes the small things, the things that shouldn’t matter and do. it becomes encompassing.

an example. last nite, we were driving through town at 4AM talking as two people in a car together are bound to do. someone the conversation switches to the differences between dating someone and a good nite of pleasure. he plays the typical female, saying that he does not sleep with people when there is not much more… yet, unlike most females (or most males) that i know, he states that the more needs to be in physical characteristics. he needs to fulfill his desires and lists various characteristics that i view as menial and plastic i can handle this and i begin to explain why that does not necessarily matter to me… anyhow, the conversation evolves.

at one point, i stop to listen how we are discussing this and recognize that it has become a competition for what is right. he is not willing to accept differences and argues with me over trivial things. i find that i feel like i am battling and i feel this tension within me increase. this only makes me irritated. i feel oddly invaded and it bothers me. how aweful is that? and it is _totally_ about me and my reaction to the situation.

at work, i have this odd feeling that everything is a competition. we are working on the same project and i feel as though he is trying to one-up me and when he is not doing that, he is trying to show how i fucked up. it makes me super-defensive, a feeling i don’t like. i also feel as though i cannot adequately stand up for myself.

to make matters worse, i actually like the boy. he is fun and we have things to talk about. i enjoy his presence and yet i don’t. it makes me feel super masochistic. it feels so strange and i cannot explain it…

i hate when i cannot read my own emotions!

goodness… venture capitalists, initial public offering, san franciscion technical terms… the land of the get rich quick on the internet schemes. it is killing me.

when i entered the technical world 3 years ago, there were definitely a lot of people who viewed the technical world as a way to make a quick buck. i was one of those people who thought that maybe there was more to it than that and i fell in love with a different aspect of it, the creative, exciting part of everything. today, i swear that the only focus is money. even the people that i admired for doing interesting creative things have delved into the business side of things. given, some of them want to do it for interesting reasons but their entire focus of the world has changed. no longer do i feel as though i can have fun challenging conversations with people about a whole variety of topics. now, everything revolves around the bullshit of the industry.

steve jobs said yesterday “since when has technology become synonymous with industry?” i feel that statement in a big way. and it makes me feel terrible. industry means money… technology is money… industry means technology… i don’t like that.

i feel so disenchanted by this community and this attitude. i am scared of going out to the bay area. i am scared of becoming part of that culture and letting monetary ideals engulf me. i am afraid that even if it is not me, it will be all my friends and i don’t like that prospect. i want down to earth friends who want to save the world, friends like my coop friends… how can i manage that? can i stay in this industry and go through those feelings? it feels painful.

i just saw the most fabulous movie – “american beauty”. see it. shit… too tired to write silly interesting things

i am feeling very strange, half depressed, half neurotic, one hundred percent sad… and it doesn’t make sense. i mean, my life is relatively happy… things are going relatively well. i have friends, the most amazing lover, etc… and yet i am just not happy. it makes me really question myself and who i am and whatnot. what would make me actually happy and why do i go through these bouts of gut wretching depression? and who can help me? one of the things that kills me is that my lover is so far away.. and yet he isn’t. in fact, right now he is on a plane to visit me.. and yet it doesn’t feel right. part of me wonders if i would be more sane if i just dropped outta school right now and ran out to be with him… i am just so lonely right now.. internally lonely, painfully lonely.

right now a kitten is playing at my feet.. he is only 7 weeks old and i took him from his parents and brother and sisters two days ago so that my friend can have a kitty with her.. it will make her happy and that is a good thing… she will be content and happy.. and he is adorable.

tonite i went to see a socialist play… well, marx in soho, sponsored by the international socialist organization. something about it didn’t sit well with me. i mean, i have always loved marx’s ideals and thoughts but never believed they could ever work. unfortunately, i forgot how much i do _not_ like socialists. i find them to be highly hypocritical. i watched as the head of the socialist organization downed a coca-cola. it is one thing to believe in something, another to practice but it is atrocious to preach and not practice.. i don’t handle that well. strange thing is that after the play, the guy who invited me asked if i liked it and i auto-responded with “yeah”.. i feel shitty about not being able to say how i felt.. not like i really know how to express how i really feel.

losing my love of adventure
losing all respect for me and myself today
i wonder what happens
if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isnt a light

ive worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i’ve worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i’m stumbling down the gravel
driveway of desire trying not to
wake up my sleepy self loathing

do you ever dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you cant make a sound
thats everyday starting now
dont tell me its gonna be alright
you cant sell me on your optimism today

….

i dont think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god i wish i was stronger
ok.. i need to leave this..

i am avoiding potential tears. i am writing to you, not to anyone else.. i can’t stand the idea of having to explain or talk to people. i just want someone to give me a hug. the phone seems to plastic. zwrite is a joke.

i am quite depressed.

you see, i think part of the reason why i am so depressed and awefully feeling rithg now is as a direct antithesis of today, a quite glorious enjoyable day. no, i did not get any work done.. well, i worked but my code still don’t compile. no, i just chilled most of my day with one of my coworkers and we bonded. i realized this person is going to be a good friend. and i was happy. and then we went to the movies together and laughed the whole way through. and that was good.

and then i tried to go home. i sped outta there for no reason, or some, a hurry perhaps. i got a ticket… 80 in a 55, $200. fuck. written out to my mother which confuses me… and that was not good. i stopped listening to lords of acid and went 65 the whole way home.

i was late for an appointment. i was frustrated. i called, couldn’t find her. i noticed that my brother had called. i had to fight with my computer to get it working.. it worked and i checked email. nothing exciting, weird emails. then i found a note from my mother. something is wrong, potentially a tumor. and i pretended like nothing was the matter… i wrote to see if my brother was around. i zwrote to a very happy person. a friend called, wanted to hang out and chill. i said ok. then i called back saying that i couldn’t.. i felt like too much shit.. and then my happy zwroter asked if he should come try to make me feel better. i agreed.

now i am here, pretending that nothing is the matter, recognizing that is probably not true. i wait. i am sad. i don’t know what to do.