well, it has been a difficult point for me in my life… i have been doing a lot of thinking but at times it just doesn’t work so well. thus, how to explain to you, my subconscious, what the hell is going on.

well, he and i broke up. or, as i have been trying to tell my inner-self, he and i are taking a break, or reevaluating our relationship or whatever bullshit you can come up with. we broke up.

i go back and forth from being able to adequately handle this. when i think that i might have it under control, i break into auto-tears and become an emotional nitemare. i guess, the thing is that i don’t want to think that it is over, i don’t want to think that i failed at maintaining this relationship. no matter what anyone tells me, i am convinced that i failed somehow.

i mean, here we are, non-monogamous and having a great ole time and then it sneaks up on me.. this realization that we aren’t really together any more. why is that? would it have happened if we weren’t trying to see other people? is it a bad thing?

i know my attraction to women is getting out of hand these days, sorta forcing me to be repulsed by the physical representation that is man. but is this a reason to end a relationship? maybe it is.. but it is a hard realization for me to handle.. or not handle as the case actually is. erg. so difficult, so frustrating, so out of hand and confusing. what is wrong with the situation?

the thing is that i love him, probably more than i ever did.. i can’t imagine being closer to anyone, anyone making me feel more special in this world. so why the fuck did we break up? not like it isn’t my fault.. i mean, i have been thinking such thoughts for months, sorta in the back of my head, untapped because of the fear of what untapping might bring…

and yet i feel like a failure.

what an emotional time of the year.. i always think that i am not handling it until i look at my friends around me…

i just got a message from a friend who just got out of the mental institute… he can’t come back to school any more. it’s scary because there is a high probability that i won’t ever see him again, a high probability that he will lose it at one point kill himself. and i don’t know how to prevent that and that terrifies me.

and then another friend is a bit haywire in his own mind… and i feel at a loss of what to do and feel like i make things worse rather than better.

not being able to help friends who have completely lost it is quite scary, quite bothersome, quite disturbing. what to do? how to help? i don’t know if i can or if i should or what i could do… it is frightening, so frightening…. it almost makes me numb because i don’t know what else to do, what else to be. imagine.

ok, life went on hiatus for a while so, not surprisingly, so did the diary writing… but i am back, writing to a silly little online diary because i am lonely again. i don’t think that i could ever do well by myself alone – i think i would drive myself insane, possibly to my complete and utter detriment. i mean, maybe i would learn but it aches so badly…

i have a friend here who is quite content in his own world, quite comfortable in self-sustained life, life by himself. it absolutely dumfounds and amazes me because i am so incapable of living like that… you see, i need people around me, the sound of life, beings intertwined and mingling. i don’t like to sleep alone, i don’t like to be alone. i would rather be unproductive and with people that be by myself, although i admit i write more and do a lot more when i am alone. constant reminder to myself that i will not be the most productive individual in the world, but i can also accept that. so what does it mean that i cannot handle my own head? what am i afraid of? what pushes me to different places, makes me so depressed and confused and creates this aching feeling that i only know how to call loneliness?

i am (trying to) finish up the school year.. what a bi-a-tch. i am just not very motivated to be doing schoolwork right now, even though i should be, or at least need to be. i don’t know why but school just doesn’t feel right right now.. i guess i am not in the mood or something. but i just need to finish and get it overwith, as much as i am going to regret the rush later… i like school, i like learning, but right now i am just not handling it. that creates a stale reality – where you know you want to do what you are doing but you can’t mentally afford it. hrmmpft. i think that is why i can’t do cs grad school next year. i really do want to do it but i am just not in the mindset for it yet and if i go without being in the mindset, it will become a waste of time for both me and my prof. i am motivated to learn though.. which is why i am thinking of going to art school, as nutty as that seems!

it is funny how a semester sorta just runs past you and all of a sudden BAM! that was the end of it. well, i am sorta seeping towards the endline on this one yet everyone around me is done, complete and happy! so difficult.. but i partied with them last nite to indicate the beauty of finishing up, of getting to the end. two people that i adore and know well and two people that i barely know and i got together and had a flipping good time, complete with cuddling and comfort, lust and passion, happiness. it was quite intense and in so many good ways. i got to see the mental insides of this group in so many new interesting ways, interacting and playful. it was a good way to spend the evening and well worth the craziness to make it happen.

ok.. must motivate.. must work.

arrived in venice today after flying through de gaulle. somehow, i was just utterly confused about the entire process. but that is also me… i crashed pretty hard at the hotel upon arrival (figures) because i just preferred to sleep than to be tired and touring. besides, it was raining and i still don’t like rain. i listed to ani’s new album over and over again; i think i will have it memorized soon.

so i am spending large amounts of time with my partner for the first time since our big fight and i am starting to realize something about him. i think what drives me nuts about him is that he brings out so many things about me that i don’t like. for example, around him, i feel lazy and clueless, confused and disinterested, generally inadequate. i don’t know what about his presence does that to me but i recognize it more and more that this is what has been driving me nuts. what is it about his mannerisms, his way of action that makes me feel this way? i find it so peculiar, and quite disturbing within me.

so, we awoke at 7pm this time and decided to wander for food. we wandered for a long time, only finding snack shops and mc’ds and a really expensive restaurant. i started noticing how much i glared at the italian men and avoided their glaze. i think that italian men sketch me out in such a big way. part of me wants to look like a big dyke so that they will leave me alone but i am also afraid of the consequences of that decision. either way, i want to avoid the italian men. eek! i don’t get why i think they are so repulsive but they really really bother me… damn, all of my negatives are just seeping out of my pores!

so, my partner and i found a place to eat, a little caffeteria type place and we went in and got really good pizza and other foods. as we tried to pay, the lady kept trying to tell us something in italian but both of us looked sooo clueless. apparently, it was 1/2 off day if a boy brought a girl. and there i was, a girl, trying to pay for the two of us. to make matters worse, i tried to pay 10 times as much since these liras confuse the hell outa me. so, only hours into being in italy and i have to deal with machismo! i looked around and realized that not a single woman was there alone or with other women; they were all there with men! i don’t know if i am prepared to be in a male male male culture, as if mine is not.

so, strange days emerged and there are more to come, i am certain. for now, i think it is bedtime!

i called my grandfather today and i started crying. i don’t think he realized that i was crying but i was. see, as much as i tell myself over and over again that everything is going to be all right, i am partially afraid that it is not going to be. i am afraid that he won’t make it and i don’t think that i could handle that. what if that was the last time that i heard his voice?

to make matters worse, it think he is scared too. i have never heard him mention the crash from the war but when i asked if he was nervous, he said that he learned a lot from the crash about how to deal with hospitals and what to think. thus, he is not nervous, just ready. well, i am glad he is being at least verbally sane because i don’t think he is as calm as he is pretending to be.

anyhow, surgery in two days. let’s pray.

I HATE COMPUTERS

Today has been a bad computer day. My keys are now broken; I have to send my computer back to the manufacturer. How annoying is that? Frankly, it annoys me oh-so-much. I just want to have a working happy computer.

And computer companies piss me off. I lose my warranty if I open my computer up. I lose my warrenty for practically everything. How irritating. They won’t send me a new computer; I have to wait forever to get one.

Grr.. damn computers.

i am fighting with my body again. not surprisingly, i am on the rag and angry with my body. i find myself tearing it apart constantly, as though that will make me feel better. i look into a mirror and genuinely don’t recognize myself. yet, if i pick at the small itsy pores, it feels a bit better until i move away again and recognize that i tore apart something that i don’t recognize. i see my eyes and i can see into me and know it is me, but it doesn’t look like what i imagine myself to look like. it is as though each time i pass by a mirror, i am always shocked. you would think that i am at least used to who i am by now but somehow, that doesn’t seem to be the case. i am just confused. what is this self-loathing? why am i so down on myself as a person and as a physical entity? i think that i intentionally treat my body like shit because i feel so disconnected from it. only that cannot be a good thing. but i don’t know anything more appropriate. i love ani’s quote: “this is not who i meant to be; this is not how i meant to feel.” somehow, i feel that is so true. no matter what, i don’t feel like i really know myself and certainly not the physical creation that is me… oh, what to do?