i am fighting with my body again. not surprisingly, i am on the rag and angry with my body. i find myself tearing it apart constantly, as though that will make me feel better. i look into a mirror and genuinely don’t recognize myself. yet, if i pick at the small itsy pores, it feels a bit better until i move away again and recognize that i tore apart something that i don’t recognize. i see my eyes and i can see into me and know it is me, but it doesn’t look like what i imagine myself to look like. it is as though each time i pass by a mirror, i am always shocked. you would think that i am at least used to who i am by now but somehow, that doesn’t seem to be the case. i am just confused. what is this self-loathing? why am i so down on myself as a person and as a physical entity? i think that i intentionally treat my body like shit because i feel so disconnected from it. only that cannot be a good thing. but i don’t know anything more appropriate. i love ani’s quote: “this is not who i meant to be; this is not how i meant to feel.” somehow, i feel that is so true. no matter what, i don’t feel like i really know myself and certainly not the physical creation that is me… oh, what to do?

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