arrived in venice today after flying through de gaulle. somehow, i was just utterly confused about the entire process. but that is also me… i crashed pretty hard at the hotel upon arrival (figures) because i just preferred to sleep than to be tired and touring. besides, it was raining and i still don’t like rain. i listed to ani’s new album over and over again; i think i will have it memorized soon.
so i am spending large amounts of time with my partner for the first time since our big fight and i am starting to realize something about him. i think what drives me nuts about him is that he brings out so many things about me that i don’t like. for example, around him, i feel lazy and clueless, confused and disinterested, generally inadequate. i don’t know what about his presence does that to me but i recognize it more and more that this is what has been driving me nuts. what is it about his mannerisms, his way of action that makes me feel this way? i find it so peculiar, and quite disturbing within me.
so, we awoke at 7pm this time and decided to wander for food. we wandered for a long time, only finding snack shops and mc’ds and a really expensive restaurant. i started noticing how much i glared at the italian men and avoided their glaze. i think that italian men sketch me out in such a big way. part of me wants to look like a big dyke so that they will leave me alone but i am also afraid of the consequences of that decision. either way, i want to avoid the italian men. eek! i don’t get why i think they are so repulsive but they really really bother me… damn, all of my negatives are just seeping out of my pores!
so, my partner and i found a place to eat, a little caffeteria type place and we went in and got really good pizza and other foods. as we tried to pay, the lady kept trying to tell us something in italian but both of us looked sooo clueless. apparently, it was 1/2 off day if a boy brought a girl. and there i was, a girl, trying to pay for the two of us. to make matters worse, i tried to pay 10 times as much since these liras confuse the hell outa me. so, only hours into being in italy and i have to deal with machismo! i looked around and realized that not a single woman was there alone or with other women; they were all there with men! i don’t know if i am prepared to be in a male male male culture, as if mine is not.
so, strange days emerged and there are more to come, i am certain. for now, i think it is bedtime!