I am notoriously bad at receiving (and giving) explicit verbal compliments. After two days of awkward compliment situations, i started thinking about the structure of compliments in the worlds in which i run.
This first obvious parallel is to Mauss’s “The Gift.” When a gift is given, it is socially impolite, if not offensive, to fail to receive it. Furthermore, to continue the relationship, the receiver is expected to reciprocate. The gifting pattern is affected by a variety of other things, including temporal rhythms and expected magnitude of gift.
Compliments are much the same way. My failure to receive compliments creates an awkward social situation because it sounds rude. Thus, my blushing and being squeamish to indicate my inability to properly receive said compliment lets me get away with a lot.
From here, it’s important to consider two different structures of compliments. First, if the complimenter has power over the recipient, the compliment is meant to empower the receiver and not necessarily be reciprocated. It’s a status compliment that makes the complimenter feel really good giving and often makes the receiver glow. My undergrad advisor had an amazing ability to do this. He’d say something simple like “good job” and i’d float for days.
Then there are the compliments amongst equals. Quite often, reciprocation is necessary, but it’s not appropriate to mimic the recently given compliment. [Think “i love you” “ditto.” Eventually, the “i love you” gets annoyed at the “ditto” and doesn’t take hir seriously.] Immediate reciprocation is not appropriate in this kind of relationship, but what is the appropriate temporal element? This is particularly tricky because often compliments are put forward to be reassured. For example, the “i love you” really wants to hear the same in return. Of course, s/he wants to be reassured now while simultaneously suggesting that the other person should initiate that same set of compliments later.
Hmm… perhaps another angle because this makes me think about what we compliment people on. When we, as an expert, compliment a novice on their movement towards our expertise, this is a really uplifting compliment (i.e. my old advisor). Yet, in the “i love you” example, we’re complimenting based on purported shared emotions. Perhaps that’s a bad example. Consider its cousin “you’re beautiful.” How often do people say “you’re beautiful” to hear the same in return? I think back to the middle school world where the less fashionable girls say to the cool ones “wow, you’re beautiful.” Of course, the cool girls might say “Thanks” or “I know.” But what would it do to the situation if the cool girl returned the compliment?
How often do we compliment others based on what we need to hear ourselves? Did this magnify the awkwardness of the reciprocation process? There’s a certain level of falseness if the cool girl reciprocates and tells the less fashionable one that she’s beautiful. Given the structure of how the compliment occurred, it seems false, not genuine to reciprocate.
Furthermore, i think it’s weird that we compliment primarily on our weaknesses in equal relationships given that there is a certain obvious awkwardness. Say the cool girl is far less confident about her intelligence than her looks. Assuming not a complete separation of status, if the less fashionable girl complimented the cool one on her question in class, this is far more likely to make everyone feel better. And reciprocation is not really necessary if that’s the giver’s strong suit. Of course, does complimenting via our strengths end up creating a different level of insult amidst equals?
