COMMON CENTS: What About Your Friendster?

Fake Friendsters, Stalkers and The Uber-Popular are the three types of characters referenced in “COMMON CENTS: What About Your Friendster?”

10:48 pm PT, Wednesday, Jul 2, 2003
COMMON CENTS: What About Your Friendster?

Who says Friendster rules the world? Did you? I didn’t. Only the umpteenth article on the online community from hell, Common Cents divulges all that is evil about your “friends.”

What can I say about Friendster that hasn’t already been said? From the exponential rate that the new online community has been growing since its inception in March, it’s obvious that everybody knows of its powerful ability to connect long lost friends, long lost relatives, and long lost monkey love. And that ain’t no good thing. Allow me to explain.

Sure, discounting your addictive participation in Friendster has become pass. Anybody who’s anybody has embraced its networking capabilities. Want to reconnect with that old friend from college who fell off the face of the earth? User-search their ass. It’s as easy as 1-2 … ah crap, the site’s overloaded again!

The site that has rendered completely obsolete is an epidemic. But before I go bug chasing, I figure I should consider the dark undertones that encompass this monster. And no matter how much I hated the Matrix, it taught me well — the rise of the machines will one day bring Armageddon like a mofo.

Fake Friendsters — what’s more annoying than the fake Kristin Kreuks, the Kevin Bacons, or the Jay-Zs? Just when you think you’ve hit pay dirt and established the connection of all connections — an actual chance to meet Smallville’s finest — whoops, she’s from Martinez. Why, that’s not Miss Kreuk at all — it’s simply a sick prankster out to chicken block me. Damn right, I hate Friendster.

Stalkers — yes, the initial basis behind Friendster was to establish a dating network through your entrusted circle of friends. But honestly, does anybody enjoy getting hit on from “Randy” and his picture of the Green Lantern? A “Freaky Tah” is upsetting whether or not he has a LAN connection.

The Uber-Popular — hark, the most maddening aspect of yonder Friendster breaks. Have over 200 “friends” and don’t know what to do about it? Shout it out to the world at the top of your lungs. Collecting baseball cards was always fun — why not collect real people? To say that Friendster is the ultimate in popularity contests is the biggest dot com understatement this side of the patented “IPOs? Hah, I got like 19 of ’em.”

Not only do the uber-popular like to run up the score, they steadfastly believe in revisiting the greener pastures of high school — in order to ensure to the online world that their lives haven’t gone into a downward spiral like the rest of ours have. The captain of the cheerleading squad, the quarterback of the football team — if they ever had a venue to spew their venom Friendster is unquestionably it.

A sample Friendster profile from one of these types:

Status: In a Relationship

Interested in: Dating (Men)

Age: 28

Occupation: Dating a rich guy who does, like, computer stuff…err…I mean student

Interests: Shopping, of course! But a close second would be getting a pedicure and getting my hair did! (Ohmigod, do you totally remember that from the Missy Elliott song?!)

Favorite Music: Jason Mraz (really anybody that’s cool and different from the mainstream. I, like, totally discovered this guy.)

Favorite Books: The Devil Wears Prada (I’m still on chapter one, but it’s getting good.)

Favorite TV Shows: American Juniors, Fame, Paradise Hotel, Trading Spaces

Favorite Movies: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Alex & Emma

About Me: Well, as my 437 friends will attest, I’m still the same old Jane! I like to club in the City (favorite is Glass Kat) and I can’t enter a club without my newsboy hat tilted to the side for some flava. By the way, did you see how I have 437 friends? Oh wait, what am I talking about? It’s more like 443 or something. That’s better.

Who I Want to Meet: It doesn’t matter. Just invite me to be your friend so that number gets bigger. Oh, see, up to 467 now. Wonderful!

Do you really have 467 friends, or do you have four? (Ryan whispers aside: I think it’s four.) I wonder if Friendster started charging by the friend, how many friends these social freaks of nature would actually claim they had. Curious.

Beware my friends — Friendster will take over the world if you let it.

Or it could be fun, who knows? I need a haircut.

Ryan Cantorna is an Associate Producer/Writer for “World’s Best” on The Travel Channel. Credit. Email him your thoughts and questions at

Print Friendly, PDF & Email