Monthly Archives: May 2000

i really hate when i read psychology theory and agree with it.

phase one of grief recovery:
– avoidance (shock, denial, disbelief)
phase two of grief recovery:
– confrontation (anger, depression)
phase three of grief recovery
– reconstruction (acceptance and understanding)

i, for one, am definitely on stage two, angry and pissed, furious. i feel as though i have lost all trust in the person that i have trusted 100% for four years and this is unbelievable to me. i am just in so much pain. problem is that i really don’t like the same people’s advice on recovery:

– Ventilate-You need to ventilate your grief.
– Validate-You need someone to validate your grief.
– Vocalize-You need someone to listen as you vocalize your grief.
– Normalize
– but do not ยท Minimize your grief. You need people who understand you. Perhaps it is at this time that you may wish to seek out a support group.

i guess the hard part is that i don’t have that support network. erk. this sucks. and the damn people from the clinic did not call back.

it finally hit me: my best friend is gone. well, he may be my best friend but i am not his; i am not his priority or where he thinks to go when he has a problem. he has found a replacement in his current relationship and that hurts so badly. the funny thing is that while i have fallen in love with him again, he has moved beyond me. i feel as though i am reaching out into nowhere land, reaching out for someone that will never again be there for me. and the loneliness seeps in once again. it was so hard to watch as his new lover knew all my stories, all of our “personal” experiences. it hurt, not because i was angry with her but because i was angry with myself. i feel as though i failed, failed to maintain the most important relationship in my life, failed to hold on to the one person who could make me smile no matter how bad the day was. and the realization that it was my failure, my inability to be stable that drove him away. and this only makes me less stable. so i am awaiting the phone call from the depression clinic, knowing that i need help. and i am angry, angry with him for not making me aware of the reality that this is no longer temporary but permanent.. when we broke it off in december, the idea was that we were going to be explore our own lives, check things out, etc.. well, he moved on completely and i did not. and now i am alone, and in pain, hurting so deeply that i wonder why i am here any more… wondering what the next step for survival is, worried that i won’t make it there. so i start to surf ani and the first two songs that i see don’t help a whole lot…

then, oh its so ironic / here’s this girl with all her friends / sitting in such solitude / trying desperately to mend / and suddenly the four walls are closing in around / the daily defenses are all falling down. / what are you gonna do / you are living all alone / there’s no place to go out / and no reason to come home. (no reason to come home)

or this little war, about realizing that you feel possession….

funny thing is that my car is all packed up and i am ready to camp out or travel but i don’t know where to go, don’t have a place of my own anywhere in this world…

and i need to learn that i am alone, but i honestly don’t know if i am capable. for the first time in my life, i am genuinely scared, scared of what this all means…

well, i graduated.. not sure how thrilled i am but i am done.. the family matters were the part that drove me insane.. i just don’t want to have to constantly be dealing, constantly be surrounded by stress and confusion, not knowing how to handle any of it. i just didn’t want to participate. but there i was, full on faking my enjoyment of the process that ensued, dealing with my family since it was not my graduation, but more my mother’s. i was quite humored (and depressed) by watching my mom and andy interact… mom said something about making it through “our” four years; andy corrected her by saying that i had made it and then mom repeated with “no, we did it.” it made me realize how much she viewed my life through her eyes and it made me depressed even more.. i mean, how much of why i am so stressed is because i am trying to live out a role that she has created for me?? why is this considered acceptable? it just made me so miserable, not at all comfortable with who i am and what is going on in my life.. why am i continously putting myself through such hell? what masochist in me lets me get away with that? why?? i just want to curl in bed and avoid, avoid everyone.

i wonder how much i am like a boy. i am very comfortable in my body, don’t get me wrong. i really feel like the body of a woman belongs to me and that i belong to it. i get annoyed at my breasts and my period but i think that is normal, not really attributing that to a hatred of my body. i get angry because it is not athletic or because my ass is too large but i don’t see myself as a boy, physically.

the funny thing is that i like to envision myself as a skaterboy punkchild androgynous creature. and when i interact with men, i feel like i belong more than when i interact with women. there is a small subsection of the dyke community that i feel identifies like me, but it is peculiar. and i don’t like dating femmes… i like looking at them but i don’t like being masculinized like that. i like staying in androgynous land, uncertain of where i stand. and i like being able to get all girly when i want to.. this makes me happy. but i don’t really see myself as fitting in as a girl, thinking like a girl.

maybe its not identifying like a guy, as much as having learned to assimilate too well and now feeling alienated from my own community. all i know is that it does make me feel aweful to not be accepted by either community and the older i get, the less i feel welcome on either side. it is peculiar, and painful, infuriating. it makes me feel so uncertain about myself as a person. i am not certain where a home exists, or how to find it. i see a sexual devide and it makes me sad, mostly because i don’t feel as though i belong.

and yet, i feel as though i am being forced to belong, which is only making me more depressed and frustrated. i just want to be myself and be accepted. but isn’t that the cry of most people?

well, things are not exactly going as i always expect them to. and fuck you cause i know that i haven’t written in a while. but now i am depressed as fuck and don’t know what is an appropriate outlet so i am trying to go with this, something that seems a bit better than most.

certainly i am depressed. welcome to danah world and what always is the start of me writing in this diary. so, yeah, i am depressed. and as a result, i am bitter and angry and frustrated and a million other inappropriate emotions that i don’t know how to vent appropriately. i mean, i know that i am not really doing well. i can’t eat and i am never hungry, yet i can tell that my body is chewing its own cudd because i can taste the taste of starvation in the back of my throat and no toothpaste makes it go away.

i am lonely, in that embittered angry way that it so deep down inside that the burn can make my heart stop when i just stop to think about it.

i am tearing at myself, confused and uncertain, with my ialac sign already tattered beyond repair.

and the most depressing part is that i am smart enough to know that i am being selfish and that i am not alone. yet i also feel my own pain more than anyone else’s which only challenges the situation further. and no matter how hard i think otherwise, i want to curl under a pillow and die, just die. i thought about the problems with suicide today, not really remembering why i never do it but remembering that i never do so why start now. i feel too hollow, too out of control, too confused and uncomfortable in my own situation, uncomfortable about everything that is going on. ahhhhhhhhhhhh