i want so badly to just break down but my body refuses, caught in that anguish when you feel as though just a few tears would make it all feel better… nothing feels quite right, just horrified at the ackwardness of the situation. i realized what i did not want to return to – running from my past only makes sense; and i am good at running from my past.

it is the only defense machanism that i seem to be able to handle… running, that is. it is what i understand how to do, and i know how to do it well. only space keeps me from that in this case. i cannot afford to run.

i returned this fall, intending for my future and finding my past. things done wrong, memories 2 3 and 4 there to remind me when i went wrong – and i did. only memory 1 is no longer here to protect me. i am back to memory three, living in it but partially distraught from the rest, the physical self, the actual presence. i am trying, partially through mental fantasy to come to terms with that part of me… and i am doing ok. if it wasn’t for memory four, who made memory two so abrupted and utterly recognizeably failed, forced into a gutter of pain and insensed to leave…

i am avoiding memory two and fearing failure, utter inability to create, concentrate, believe… everyone i know is from that memory and it half terrifies me to find their presence in my path. see, most are curtious if not kind, but the few who horrify me create so much pain and agony in my heart

only tonite, along with my current housemates, i went to see a member of memory two who recognized me in kindness. my first “friend” in memory two has been treating me with such kindness and closeness now that we are together in a physical space. along with a new friend, i danced and enjoyed new attempts to meet people and make new friends along with the pleasures of a pleasant environment, only it took me effort not to reach a level of cockiness that makes me uncoftable and unpleasant, distracted by a life i could have had. only i don’t. a friend from last year

afterwards, in a good mode with my new friend, we came home only for our cat to run into the street, forcing me to switch into the mood that i can barely stand – that mode of bossyness to “solve” a situation of little impotance and longevity. i felt stupid and offered mint milanos over this situation, not wanting to foul up a potential friendship. we headed to a party of people from memory three and things first appeared ok.. but then they were not. i found myself showing off regarding memory two, as though i remembered everything and forgot it all… it stung like a bee.

and then memory four stood out, shuddering my entire body into uttter pain and discomfort. i tried to first ignore and then i got the courage to actually approach her, asking how she was, only to receive the cold shudder that i had earned by visiting memory three just the other day. and it hurt. i tried to last it out until she blantantly faced her back towards me, blocking me out of her sight, reminding me that i made a mistake. only to realize that she has made me discomfortable in memory three, by something as soo simple as talking to other people, sharing her discomfort. only a short while ago in the pleasant place did i explain to my new friend that i made a mistake and that i utterly hurt person four. that stung like a harsh bee and i cringed. this made me want to leave but i ended up buying kind and aim me for home, running away once again.

now at home i just cringe and feel aweful, recognize the mistakes that i made and the things that make me realize that i made mistakes, many mistakes. and now i at home sitting by my computer which i feel guilty from using person one into purchasing..

i realized that i don’t like myself at all. i like getting to know people that i vaguely know, through people i barely know in order to make certain that when thigns go wrong i will have a way of hurting myself. that makes me cringe and scream in confusion. why do i run? why can’t i find happiness in the simple things? why does smoking seem to be my response to life, addiction, habit, frustration. and i talk to my family in a bored tone, uninterested in actually talking, feeling forced and pressured which makes me feel worse. i feel like i should realize that my family is not what i discribe them to be.

i have a fantasy world because my real world saddens me.

and that makes me feel terrible… as though i will never be capable of actually finding peace and happiness, the way i always imagined it should be. how i long to be different, in a way i can barely accept in myself. and what makes me feel worse is that i cannot determine if i am becoming everything she told me that i would be come by accident or by following the pattern of life she suggested and led me down so many years ago, as though i feel this obligation in lieu of a feeling of genuine desre. and that makes me feel like a hypocrite and horrid human being. only that was my mistake prior to this “move” in my life. i just want to be happy and i don’t know how so i repeat the same mistakes that failed before, as though i was engrained to do so.

but what can i do? i have spent my life dependent on my family until i found person one…. and then i rearranged my situation to be dependent on him the way i promise that i will never be. how i long for simplicity and honest strenght. i eat people and spit them out in the form of strength, a pure indicator of an evil person. and that i am.

oh, if only i could actually cry

back on a plane, this time at the end of burning man. what an experience, for reasons that i could barely explain, but i will try to capture an ounce of what i felt in order to have that glimpse of memory as i look back on this wonderful event…

we left san francisco on thursday, but stopped in a motel for a good nite’s sleep before finishing the trip. we were too exhausted. i learned some basic yoga (which was mighty fun). the car trip was silly… we were caravaning and i got to spend time with both my lover and the cutey boy that i have been spending time with. i also managed to play my cartrick which excited both of them (although got interupted the second time). the boy had a friend with him who was pretty damn cool and i enjoyed trying to get to know him. at one point, i decided to do a striptease from jon’s convertible (the other car was behind us) and that amused everyone…

from a distance, the camp seemed damn small and i was afraid i was going to be disappointed… but i wasn’t… it was the desert and size was skewed. there were welcoming committees and people were just generally kind and excited to see you… we aimed for where we thought that the camp should be, but failed to find it. we sent out general search parties, trying to learn where it should be but it never happened. at one point, our friend who came in via plane stumbled upon us and the two of us went and found the appropriate campsite, just before sundown… we quickly unpacked everything, put up the tents and met all of these people, all friends of the boy that my lover and i had come with. they were quite chill and slowly warmed up to us in a big way. it was so nice to meet new cool people! we ate a bit of dinner and all hung out for a while…

i don’t know what was up with me but i was acting awefully. i can’t really come up with good excuses so i won’t bother but i was acting like a spoiled brat and could barely stand it myself, but wasn’t in the mood to deal. the boy noticed. thankfully, he decided to say something to me cause he was very annoyed… and it made me realize how aweful i had been acting, more so than my own realizations of laziness and brattiness. suddenly, something that my mother had told me for years popped out – one day you will lose friends for being so selfish… i never believed her but all of a sudden i had this feeling of awefulness. this put me in a state of quite unhappiness, and he was already in that state… we all decided to wander separately and did so…

i must have seen some various tents that nite but i don’t remember many of them… i wandered around the man, into some of the art exhibits and up to some of the lighted events… but i was cold. thus, i plopped myself down at a campfire and proceeded to make friends with the guys right around me, a bunch of boys with strong strong accents from ireland. it was intense. i could barely comprehend their language. all of their idioms were different and their jokes confused me… as a result, i was intrigued. i don’t know who they were but they had a shitload of money. they were all living in san francisco, probably about my age, and had enough drugs to kill a fleet of camels. my gut was to say that they were singers for a living because they kept breaking into song and their voices were UNBELIEVABLE. anyhow, they smoked me up some and then offered me a happy pill. it was a nice feeling… we ended up wandering some, seeing different things, different fires, etc… it was nice to chill with random people but i was missing my lover desperately and still felt terrible about the situation with the boy.

i headed back to camp but noone was there. i was still freezing so i tucked myself into a sleeping bag. shortly later, the guys came back and we started talking…. i told the boy what was going through my head and he seemed genuinely thankful. anyhow, i was fuzzy and warm and somehow sexy… fun happened.

i woke the next morning to intense heat. i crawled out of the tent and chilled with the people in my campground. what beautiful people!! they were all much older than me… the camp was: 21,22,28,6x(31-34),38. i was the baby but it didn’t matter… everyone was wonderful to me. my lover’s friend from work appeared and decided to camp out with us.. she is super cool, as is her friend. we all dressed up in our gear (me in silver paint, bunny ears, a magic wand and wings) and started to wander… people took picture after picture of me which was CRAZY! the artwork that people did was majestical! everything made me feel so tremendous. i can barely explain it… i highly encourage the reader to check out the burning man website in order to see some of what was at this event, artwise… it is just not explainable except to say that it is beautiful!!!

somehow, during the day, people taught me how to play “go” and we hung out at our campsite… we also toured tactile exhibits and sat as the wind flowed through our hair… we watched a battle of people on swings and watched the boy give away elements of his scroll (he was wrapped like a mummy with bits of scroll)… it was just fabulous!!! i also got to try ghb which was quite interesting and chill

i loved being naked and only got dressed for coldness!!!!!

as the nite began, we all decided that pills were in order and prepared for the actual burn. the burn is where they do a bunch of ritualistic events and then an older woman (from the beginning) goes and ceremonially lights the man on fire… as we proceeded to the event, we all started cuddling with one another. so many of the group was trying this beauty for the first time and was ecstatic about the feelings they got… we touched and cuddled, loved and kissed.. my lover got picked up by a girl and the flirting was intense. we fought with the crowd over whether to stand up or sit down and did both at times. finally, promenading began and things started going up in flames. there were fireworks and firedancers. but things didn’t go exactly right. about 40 minutes ahead of time, the throat of the man caught fire and went up in flames (his base is supposed to start). the fireworks (which were to be last) came out and the magnesium never really caught fire. an arm fell off so they couldn’t raise th arms. the procession never made it to the man and the balls surrounding the area went off late. it was strange, but i had no complaints.. i still thought it was cool. the people rushed the man and the fire folk had to make certain that noone was too close to the fires that were happening, particularly the elements that hadn’t fallen yet. still, i loved it. unfortunately, when everyone rushed the man, we lost part of our party and thus people were bummed… it was sad but everyone was fine, just not with us. we proceeded to various other things, got to watch a person interact with a tesla coil (wow!!!) and went to a chill space. a couple of folk decided it was mushroom time and i decided that bed was a better answer so my lover and i wandered off to cuddle… he was super tired from a full day. teheh.

in the middle of the nite, the boy came back, all excited about his trip and in a foggy state, i listened to his exciting stories. i don’t know exactly how what happened, but i ended up dozing back to sleep.

i woke to more intense heat, hotter than the day before. but that did not stop the three of us from having another go at it and me from getting broken… more chilling with the group and then eventual wandering to see various sites. i was still naked!!! i was just ecstatic to talk to fabulous people and did so quite willingly.

my lover and i decided that we wanted to spend some time together so we wanted to leave relatively early. we finally managed to get everything together by around 5/6pm.. much later than we wanted… unfortunately, we didn’t get out of the parking lot until 8pm and didn’t arrive back at home until after 4am.. 🙁 the ride was fun, even with this shit. the friend that came via plane joined us in the ride back and the three of us amused each other with stories, sex talk and deliriousness. plus, i got to eat at denny’s!!!

finally, we got home and i took a long awaited shower and fell into bed. four hours later, i was awoken and pushed onto a plane, where i currently sit. tomorrow classes start and i am not prepared, but the intensity and beauty of burning man makes up for any nervous feelings i have. i am so glad that i decided to go and so sorry that i cannot express the emotional element of what i experienced…

things to bring next year:

chapstick with uv (lots)
blowup mattress
camel water pack
full goggles (for the wind)
kiddie pool and sponges

haven’t slept. again.

about to get on a flight – heading out for burning man! it should be a mighty fun experience. i look forward to seeing my lovers and having mad sex. that is the advantage of this trip… i was promised unlimited orgasms… i look forward to experiencing that!

is it fair of me to be upset that i, as a female am an _object_ of man’s desire? i went to my hometown this week and spent the entire time being reminded that i have a vagina. “hey baby” and “what a cute little girl” and “come home with me” and other types of requests for pleasure came out of men’s mouths. they have been taught that women “appreciate” this type of attitude, because it is a compliment. they are never told that it is degrading or frustrating. i get furious and upset but everyone around me tells me i am crazy for being bothered by this, that i should take it as a compliment and that most women would love that attention. i find myself aiming to look more ridiculous and unappealing to the opposite sex. i don’t want to be an object; i just want to live my life as any other human, or should i say as the dominant male culture is permitted. i don’t want to “deserve” to be raped based on my appearance; i don’t want to be hit on by gas attendents, i just want to get my gas.

the thing that bothers me most is that other women don’t seem to feel the same way. they _want_ to be hit on by men at any given point; they want to be distracted by men’s dumb come-ons. and thus, it continues in our culture and I am the one blamed, because i complain that this isn’t right. i am just confused…

i am trying really hard to get back in the mindset to write those stupid graduate school applications and in order to start thinking about it, i started thinking about how i learned to love a computer… but then i realized that i hate them, still… anyhow, this was the rambling that ended up coming out. now, it is _not_ going to be used in my application but it sure is funny to read… tehehe.

How I Learned to Love the Computer, and Then Return to Hating It.

As a child, I despised computers. I saw them as objects that took up time in a non-social and boring manner. Either you played games on them or you wrote papers. There seemed to be no other point to having a computer, so I pretended that the computer did not exist.

I could not avoid the computer for very long. Schools started requiring you to type papers, either on a typewriter or a computer, and the computer was easier. But it was middle school that forced me to use the computer. Lego Logo. Our entire class was taught how to make this “turtle” move on a piece of paper in the middle of a class using simple commands that we inputted into the computer. Knowing how much I loved math, the teacher tried to motivate me by showing me how I could display interesting mathematical concepts using these simple inputs. I made my own fractals and found interesting ways to do animations. Suddenly, something about computers interested me! But that class ended and we were back to games and typing and I was bored. I even cheated on my typing-skills test, promising myself that I would never learn to type “right”.

At home, my brother adored the computer and my mother purchased one to amuse him. He loved the games and he collected electronic toys that interacted with the computer. I continued to ignore this “revolution.” At one point, my mother agreed to pay $29.95 per month for him to have an 8600 baud connection to “the Internet” for 12 hours per week. I don’t remember how I learned that this meant a connection to other people, but I did. Suddenly, computers had a new meaning to me, once again. Computers did not have to take away one’s community or eliminate socialization; instead, computers could allow you to have an enhanced way of communicating with other people, through space and time. That is when my addiction started. Every night, I jumped on to various chatrooms and irc channels and emailed random strangers in an attempt to make new friends. My school friends started joining me and we had deeper conversations than we had ever had in real space. The computer allowed me to actually share emotions and feelings with other people in a healthy manner. It allowed me to connect to people like me as well as those who weren’t. At this point, my addiction started because the computer had a purpose.

Although the computer allowed me to connect to people, I realized pretty quickly that what existed was pretty underdeveloped and non-stable. But, in my mind, it was a damn good start. In college, I decided to major in computer science, to further this newfound interest. My first class in computer science captured my attention, as I learned to make the computer allow for interaction between the user and the computer. This made me realize how much control I had over what it displayed me and I fell in love with the discipline and the way of thinking. No longer was I motivated to study mathematics; instead, I wanted to make the computer do things that could never be done before. I took more and more computing classes.

Unfortunately, the followup courses were not similar to the introductory course. While the introductory course focused on ways of thinking and ways of interacting with the system, the following courses focused on elements of the computer – how it worked (machine level, assembly), how to design programs for it and make them efficient (data structures, operating systems, graphics), what the theory behind the machine is, etc. This bored me to tears!

I realized that it was not the machine that I loved, but rather the possibilities that the computer acknowledged. I wanted to be a part of the group who made technology further our potential as humans, further our connections with one another and study the ways in which we, as people, think. The computer is a tool and it has offered us a future; it has given us a new way of thinking. Now, I want to move beyond those basics and allow for the technology to not be a separate thing but an ingrained, ubiquitous element of our daily culture, there to help us reach our full potential.

still at home, trying to relax and chill but my family is as neurotic as ever.. which is also super fun. i finally talked with my mom about who i sleep with and the fact that they aren’t all the same sex. her response was that nothing surprises her anymore. we also talked about drugs and she was less than thrilled that i had tried lsd, as she remembers in her days of teaching handicapped children that not all the children of the 60’s came out ok… she worries for whatever genetic changes are possible. that i understand… maybe i should stop doing acid… but i did get to smoke last nite which as sweet (and relaxing). mom and i talked for a long while and she kept making me laugh with silly stories… sometimes, it is super fun to be home.

i also went to visit my old high school and elementary school (since my brother is now working in the school district. it was quite disturbing. i had flashbacks of the 5th grade when i acted in cinerella as the queen… walking down those hallways was strange. i also found the room of mrs. h, who i helped to drive insane… she went away on mental leave when i was in 4th grade. i tracked down former teachers (gosh, i forgot how gay-acting all the men in elementary schools are…. i truly wonder if they are gay and just don’t know it or do and won’t admit it). it was strange to hear astronomy lessons coming out of the astronomy room, since the previous teacher had been convicted of molesting little boys… most of the teachers i knew have since retired but my favorite is still there…. i stopped by to give him a copy of “horace’s compromise” by ted sizer. i am psyched to hear his response… he is such a sweetie! gotta love that one teacher..

ok.. i am going to motivate to work!

tonite, i decided to drive home.. to my home of homes, the place where my family still resides. it is a pretty generic 5 hour drive but it always allows me to think strange thoughts and view the world’s distances from a new perspective. with the amount of traveling that i have done in the last six months, i have a better sense of geography than any teacher could have ever taught me and even a better sense of cultural differences. for that reason i love the trip.

tonite’s trip was icky and rainy, very gross. of course, it didn’t help that i left at 9PM and was driving really late. at one point, i finally got pulled over for speeding… took long enough. i was honest, didn’t question anything and he only gave me a warning for the speeding! i had passed him going almost 90 miles per hour!!! but, he did give me a ticket for not having my license on me (the one that i lost in a bar in boston when da boys decided to get me drunk and talking!!). so now i owe $45 to the state of new jersey for not carrying my driver’s license… and i even had my passport on me and told the cop that i was going to my home state to get a new license… silliness.

so this made me think about laws and regulations that various states have. think about it – how many stupid laws exist that we follow blindly every day? even speed limits exist because of the oil shortage in the 70’s, not because people genuinely believe they protect us. so we pay for half of a police force to sit and watch how fast we go on the highway??? this seems absurd to me. this is not the land of freedom, far from it. we have created so many restrictions that i would bet the average american commits 10 illegal acts per day, and this is a conservative guess. hell, we don’t know what is legal or not. i know that in florida, it is illegal for me to be on the streets without a man… and there are clothing restrictions too. we seem to ignore these dumb “blue” laws, although they come back to haunt us (sexual laws, housing code laws, etc). how do we as a culture put up with this? why do we allow for our “representatives” to take away our freedoms for nothing in return? honestly, i would be shocked to hear anyone say that the laws we have made in the last 10 years have truly altered the path of our society. frankly, i still live by utah phillip’s quote from a guy he met – “your damn laws; the good people don’t need em and the bad people don’t follow em”. what does that say?

so, in my fantasy world, i imagined that i ran for public office, dedicated to bringing freedom back to our society. i did not hide who i am or what i am about and i refused to play bad politician.. it was fun!

i picked up the latest life magazine, which is highly dedicated to comparing the populations feelings towards school now and school in the 50s. can you believe more people want religion in school today than back then?? this is not a land of free thinking, this is not a land where people are encouraged to explore and evolve. this land is stuck in its own fear and self-obsession. it is a disgrace to the term freedom and i am insulted to be an american. i was thinking that it would be nice to run away to a place where there were no “rulers” but that place does not exist. maybe christiana in denmark, but that is about as close as it gets. it infuriates me to think that i have no true control over my own actions… i am not free, i am bound by the land i live in and i have no control otherwise.

personally, i feel as though the only laws that exist should be to guarentee you the right to the pursuit of happiness. in this, i mean that what should be illegal are actions that cause you or others not to do this (murder, rape, violent acts, stealing, etc.). it is absurd that i can get more jail time for using marijuana than a man can for raping me. it is absurd that i am fined more for driving 90 in a 60 than i am for stealing money from a 7/11. what does this say about our culture?

speaking of which, what is our culture? what is culture? what binds us together as a people? is it the land? the law? how does culture evolve? how do cultures merge? can they merge peacefully?

i can definitely feel the maleness of this world and it confuses me in a big way… everything seems so masculinely dominated in an evil sense of the concept.

one other quick thought that came through my head while driving (and then i go to sleep). i realized that there are specific cues that i use when driving. i use the red lights and how far away they are from me at any given point (using trig) and i use the distance and brightness of the lines on the road to give me where to turn, what to do, etc. also, i find that i feel super fucking butchy when i am driving fast… i wonder if testosterone is kicking in… i feel so mannish in that position. oh well, goodnite!

i am waiting for my body to drain itself of all unnecessary tissue that it had created in preparation for my non-existant pregnancy. this shall be the first menstruation that i will have, free of medication, in over 6 years. i am both anxious and apprehensive. i want my body to take control and react comfortable, welcoming in the monthly recognition of womanhood with pride and joy, instead of with the usual screaming, bawling, anger and hostility that tends to cloud my days at this time of the month.

i lived with this woman once whose body was less than healthy. as a result, menstruating was a sign that her body would survive one more month quasi-pleasantly. we used to sit around and watch as she did each type of ritual from each religion and spiritual group in order to convince her system to menstruate. watching her gave me utter joy, as i did not have the same relationship with my cunt during this period of the month.

i do honestly try to love my period but i cannot convince my mind to obey when it is boggled down with various aches and chemical turmoil. i so long to be at peace with that element of my self, to appreciate my body, to be in tune with the moon, etc… but right now, i just want to scrape the insides of my stomach out and plop them down in front of the next male who pisses me off… i know, i know, this is _not_ a healthy attitude… i am working on healthy.

sex and power. foucault, butler, paglia. control. passion, pleasure.

today was a day of contemplation about one of my favorite topics – sex…. i was sitting with a friend who is always interested in how i lead my sex life (silly thing) and he edged me in the direction of the perfect me topic – sex. the discussion was actually aimed at one subtopic of that large topic. in particular, i was talking about pleasure.

pleasure is an essential element of sexuality (unless, of course you are a friend of phelps or falwell). unfortunately, most people don’t know how to acquire ultimate pleasure in a sexual relationship. there is too much baggage and confusion. unfortunately, while the thoughts are 100% clear in my head, i am not quite certain how to express the relationship between everything in a clear fashion… and thus, i will ramble.

the first requirement of a healthy sexual relationship is communication. without proper communication, any relationship falters. in the same way, ultimate pleasure cannot be achieved without proper communication. acquiring pleasure is pretty simple. masturbation gives one level of pleasure while sex with another person adds to it. but there is something to be said about relationships that are beyond one-nite stands. this is because in order to achieve _good_ pleasure, one must be in tune with the other person/people who are “pleasing.”

while i can think myself to orgasm, i can also think myself to calmness, becoming untickelish and unsexual. in the same, i can reverse that and there are obvious default states. because of this, i can usually achieve a certain level of pleasure with myself and more with a lover. the thing is that i am also capable of reaching the maximized overly-amazing orgasm but only under certain conditions and currently, only one person is even remotely capable of doing that to me…. that is the ultimate pleasure and it comes in only one way. when communication is strong and my partner can read my every action, s/he can please me… not by doing what i want hir to do but by surprising me in a way that only someone who knows me so intimately can ever do.

so what does this mean? this means that, while pleasure can be achieved with little effort, ultimate pleasure requires much more. i like to think of this in the way that Arthur Dent explained flying in hitchiker’s guide to the galaxy – in order to fly, you must aim at the ground and miss. you cannot concentrate too much nor can you not concentrate. your partner must be tuned to hear your every sound and feel your every move. you must understand each other purely and cherish that bond… sex is the ultimate pleasure but you must learn to access it to its fullest potential..

last nite, i had the strangest dream… (gosh, i feel like breaking into song after that statement: i sailed away to china… on a little row boat to find ya and you said you had to get your laundry clean….) anyhow, i had a dream… (damn… fucked again).

nite. me. dream.

i was in a city but it was not a city that i recognized… instead, a combination of cities. there was public transit everywhere, kinda like amsterdam’s intercity transportation. there were shops everywhere and the language of the city was english. i was there with a lot of people that i know, many of whom i tend to only see at siggraph. maybe it was siggraph but we were certainly not attending events related to siggraph.

somehow, in the ?past? two guys had raped me. i didn’t know the name of the two guys, although the second one worked at pixar??? i went to a movie theatre with a bunch of people (including my lover and some other friends). we were going to see the last movie of the nite, which ended up being “i know what you did last summer”. i was not too thrilled with the movie but “oh well”. the theatre was not a normal theatre. it was a stadium and the movie was playing on multiple sides at once… thousands and thousand of people came to see this 12:05 movie. we were a bit late and having trouble finding seats for 3.. apparently, some seats were reserved and we ended up sitting in seats belonging to pixar. a friend at pixar, r, was dating a really annoying girl from my university, m, and we had accidentally sat in their seats. we didn’t really figure it would be a problem since we wanted to run into r and m soon. well, the pixar guys were less than thrilled and started yelling at us, saying we didn’t belong there and we weren’t wanted and whatnot… freaky shit.

anyhow, i decided to split up from the group in order to find s, a friend that i knew would be there… by the time i found him, he was starting the locomotion train around the theatre… it sorta broke into complete dance ritual and we made our way down to the main stage, with lots of people, dancing and having a good ole time. it was absolutely ridiculous…

at some point, guy two came on stage and decided to dance with me and i flipped out in horror, flashing back to everything that happened with the rape. these details are kinda fuzzy in my head.. but basically, i remember being trapped in his apartment and being forced to have sex with him. he loved pain so nothing i did stopped him… i remember kicking him in the balls over and over again but it didn’t work. there was another woman there but to no avail… she was enjoying this. he forced me into anal penetration and caused me great harm. he thought this was his right and didn’t feel guilty about it… i remember getting ahold of a phone and calling 911 but they didn’t care… they said i was there on my own volition and i deserved it.

at one point, i escaped, without clothing, bleeding and atrocious but noone cared; i was a girl. it was really freaky.

anyhow, i flipped out at the movie theatre and tried to find my lover (who knew everything) but i failed. as a result, i lost everyone that i was with and the mass hysteria was aiming towards the door and towards the public transit… now, i was on escape from this guy. unfortunately, he was following me, knowing i was alone. i rushed into this cookie store (that was right next to a juice store) and he rushed into the juice store to get a drink and then trapped me into the cookie store. guy one came in and wisked me away and i flashed back to everything he did to me.. although i cannot remember it at this point.. i remember it being very fancy but other than that i fail. i was frightened and a mess.. freezing and horrified…. he and his friends took me to another outdoor place (and it was light out???) where he proceeded to APOLOGIZE??? for everything that had happened. he gave me two checks.. one was over $1600 and the other was over $600 and he gave me tons of pictures and an apology letter and all of this stuff.. it was super strange.

then, i ended up in a hottub (it was dark again) in the middle of the city, where i was supposed to meet my lover. boy two reappared but my lover appeared just in time and we rushed out in avoidance and managed to get back to my place (i was still staying with eva in amsterdam??).

anyhow, these are the bits that i can remember at this point.