movie nite part a million… this time, saw “fight club”. i walked out of the theatre feeling as though i was stoned, even though i was totally sober. it fucked with my head in the manner that twelve monkeys did… and i enjoyed it. that was the odd part.. i loved the feeling of being fucked with…

it made me rethink my life in so many ways as well.. for example, why do i put such importance onto things that don’t mean anything? how can i change this tendency? why don’t i just _live_ and experience life… instead, i am focused on bullshit and that kills me.

lately, though, i have been standing well on my own. i have written quite a few interesting emails that make me quite proud… i will share them:

to a company
to a women’s organization
i know it is difficult but i just want to figure out how to be most happy…. hard problem though isn’t it?

i am pent up and angry, frustrated and irritable. i am having the world’s worst love/hate rleationship right now… and it is not about sex or sexual desire. that is what bugs me the most. a pure friendship, non-sexual, pure platonic. and yet there is this power tension, this craziness like a sexual relationship. i have learned to manage the power games involved in sex but not the power within a friendship. the competition, the bullshit, the menial fights over nothing. what good is this? why is it so typical of the white straight male? why does it make me so hostile? why do i play along at the same speed and with the same level of importance?

the worst is that i get more angry with myself than with the individual. i am angry at myself for letting this bother me, for still being attracted to someone who makes me so irrate. it becomes the small things, the things that shouldn’t matter and do. it becomes encompassing.

an example. last nite, we were driving through town at 4AM talking as two people in a car together are bound to do. someone the conversation switches to the differences between dating someone and a good nite of pleasure. he plays the typical female, saying that he does not sleep with people when there is not much more… yet, unlike most females (or most males) that i know, he states that the more needs to be in physical characteristics. he needs to fulfill his desires and lists various characteristics that i view as menial and plastic i can handle this and i begin to explain why that does not necessarily matter to me… anyhow, the conversation evolves.

at one point, i stop to listen how we are discussing this and recognize that it has become a competition for what is right. he is not willing to accept differences and argues with me over trivial things. i find that i feel like i am battling and i feel this tension within me increase. this only makes me irritated. i feel oddly invaded and it bothers me. how aweful is that? and it is _totally_ about me and my reaction to the situation.

at work, i have this odd feeling that everything is a competition. we are working on the same project and i feel as though he is trying to one-up me and when he is not doing that, he is trying to show how i fucked up. it makes me super-defensive, a feeling i don’t like. i also feel as though i cannot adequately stand up for myself.

to make matters worse, i actually like the boy. he is fun and we have things to talk about. i enjoy his presence and yet i don’t. it makes me feel super masochistic. it feels so strange and i cannot explain it…

i hate when i cannot read my own emotions!

goodness… venture capitalists, initial public offering, san franciscion technical terms… the land of the get rich quick on the internet schemes. it is killing me.

when i entered the technical world 3 years ago, there were definitely a lot of people who viewed the technical world as a way to make a quick buck. i was one of those people who thought that maybe there was more to it than that and i fell in love with a different aspect of it, the creative, exciting part of everything. today, i swear that the only focus is money. even the people that i admired for doing interesting creative things have delved into the business side of things. given, some of them want to do it for interesting reasons but their entire focus of the world has changed. no longer do i feel as though i can have fun challenging conversations with people about a whole variety of topics. now, everything revolves around the bullshit of the industry.

steve jobs said yesterday “since when has technology become synonymous with industry?” i feel that statement in a big way. and it makes me feel terrible. industry means money… technology is money… industry means technology… i don’t like that.

i feel so disenchanted by this community and this attitude. i am scared of going out to the bay area. i am scared of becoming part of that culture and letting monetary ideals engulf me. i am afraid that even if it is not me, it will be all my friends and i don’t like that prospect. i want down to earth friends who want to save the world, friends like my coop friends… how can i manage that? can i stay in this industry and go through those feelings? it feels painful.

i just saw the most fabulous movie – “american beauty”. see it. shit… too tired to write silly interesting things

i am feeling very strange, half depressed, half neurotic, one hundred percent sad… and it doesn’t make sense. i mean, my life is relatively happy… things are going relatively well. i have friends, the most amazing lover, etc… and yet i am just not happy. it makes me really question myself and who i am and whatnot. what would make me actually happy and why do i go through these bouts of gut wretching depression? and who can help me? one of the things that kills me is that my lover is so far away.. and yet he isn’t. in fact, right now he is on a plane to visit me.. and yet it doesn’t feel right. part of me wonders if i would be more sane if i just dropped outta school right now and ran out to be with him… i am just so lonely right now.. internally lonely, painfully lonely.

right now a kitten is playing at my feet.. he is only 7 weeks old and i took him from his parents and brother and sisters two days ago so that my friend can have a kitty with her.. it will make her happy and that is a good thing… she will be content and happy.. and he is adorable.

tonite i went to see a socialist play… well, marx in soho, sponsored by the international socialist organization. something about it didn’t sit well with me. i mean, i have always loved marx’s ideals and thoughts but never believed they could ever work. unfortunately, i forgot how much i do _not_ like socialists. i find them to be highly hypocritical. i watched as the head of the socialist organization downed a coca-cola. it is one thing to believe in something, another to practice but it is atrocious to preach and not practice.. i don’t handle that well. strange thing is that after the play, the guy who invited me asked if i liked it and i auto-responded with “yeah”.. i feel shitty about not being able to say how i felt.. not like i really know how to express how i really feel.

losing my love of adventure
losing all respect for me and myself today
i wonder what happens
if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isnt a light

ive worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i’ve worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i’m stumbling down the gravel
driveway of desire trying not to
wake up my sleepy self loathing

do you ever dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you cant make a sound
thats everyday starting now
dont tell me its gonna be alright
you cant sell me on your optimism today

….

i dont think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god i wish i was stronger
ok.. i need to leave this..

i am avoiding potential tears. i am writing to you, not to anyone else.. i can’t stand the idea of having to explain or talk to people. i just want someone to give me a hug. the phone seems to plastic. zwrite is a joke.

i am quite depressed.

you see, i think part of the reason why i am so depressed and awefully feeling rithg now is as a direct antithesis of today, a quite glorious enjoyable day. no, i did not get any work done.. well, i worked but my code still don’t compile. no, i just chilled most of my day with one of my coworkers and we bonded. i realized this person is going to be a good friend. and i was happy. and then we went to the movies together and laughed the whole way through. and that was good.

and then i tried to go home. i sped outta there for no reason, or some, a hurry perhaps. i got a ticket… 80 in a 55, $200. fuck. written out to my mother which confuses me… and that was not good. i stopped listening to lords of acid and went 65 the whole way home.

i was late for an appointment. i was frustrated. i called, couldn’t find her. i noticed that my brother had called. i had to fight with my computer to get it working.. it worked and i checked email. nothing exciting, weird emails. then i found a note from my mother. something is wrong, potentially a tumor. and i pretended like nothing was the matter… i wrote to see if my brother was around. i zwrote to a very happy person. a friend called, wanted to hang out and chill. i said ok. then i called back saying that i couldn’t.. i felt like too much shit.. and then my happy zwroter asked if he should come try to make me feel better. i agreed.

now i am here, pretending that nothing is the matter, recognizing that is probably not true. i wait. i am sad. i don’t know what to do.

i am trying really hard to understand why prejudice exists in the way and to the degree that it does in our culture and why we fail to understand it as a society. an individual that i know approached me the other day, asking for some advice and as i listened to his story, i understood every word that he said and i realized that we had something in common: cultural oppression. it didn’t matter why he was oppressed by the sentiments were the same, the emotions as painful and as deep and the denial greater. see, one of the ways in which we are often kept down is by others trying to minimize the importance of our differences… let me explain.

i finally came to terms with affirmative action. it is not to make up for past wrongdoings or things like that. instead, it is a recognition that, by being the underhanded in a situation, you are going to have to constantly deal with that before any work can be completed, meaning that quite often, your performance suffers. in addition, the tests for performance are based on the strengths and information of the majority, which is not you. affirmative action exists to protect you, the underrepresented, from all of the prejudices and biases and privileges that the majority have at any given point.

unfortunately, only the underprivileged even realize that and the privileged never realize the advantages that they receive, making the strife all the more painful. how to solve this? i don’t know… frankly, i have no idea. is it possible, even?

instead, i get to watch people suffer through these emotions, this feeling of confusion and frustration, uncertainty and anger. when your performance is poor and you cannot identify with anyone around you and you become angry at yourself for all of this, rather than realizing why the situation exists and trying to prove it… when you do this, you destroy your self. it is more important to make certain that you can eliminate the boundaries, break down the walls, at least for the next person.

ahh.. i feel like i am realigning with my self, with my body, with my mind. this week has been full of extreme pleasures and temptations, frustrations and mental explosions. but that is the first week of school, as normal, right? somehow i managed to forget what it is like to begin school. how could i forget?

so my body first… my body is a bit confused. it has been a week of readjustments. somehow, my face is broken out like a boy going through puberty… damn the non-pill, damn it. my chest size has gone down one cup size (need new bras). i have been bike riding (although i still damn the asswipe who stole my last bike!) and eating healthy coop food – holy shit!!! no fluff, no mt dew (ok, one glass per day) and not a lot of junk food (although i am munching for the weekend). you see, i have been choosing juice over soda and i have been carrying water with me regularly!! crazy isn’t it? also the funnies thing happened today – i woke up at 8 something in the morning without alarm clock help!

now my mind… i had the most delicious conversation with this woman about biology and neuroscience and gender and ya da ya da ya.. it lasted for 6 hours so i cannot do it justice in a paragraph. one of the most interesting things that came out of it for me was that i finally described what i thought about the biology/neuroscience – cognitive science – psychology “continuum”. what i realized is that it is like a proof structure. biologists try to “prove” things at the cellular level while psychologists try to analyze behavioural phenomena. well, the thing is that neither is right or wrong (although noone ever seems to communicate). instead, they should be trying to “prove” each others thoughts within their own discipline. there are just things that cannot be “proven” in biology while they can be observed in psychology and vice versa.. communication is KEY!

and then there is the emotional. i cannot say that i am 100% emotionally stable (what ever happened to getting off the pill = elimination of depression??? somehow, i think my body is confused…. or else i am putting too much faith on the power of drugs) i am trying to handle things but the reality is that i miss my lover tremendously. most else is ok.. but i am lonely, in that unfulfilled way, not that nobody is around way… i am just trying to get myself in the appropriate state.

so school has started and i am enjoying classes and getting things rolling – it is quite fun!!! plus, i co-adopted a kitty cat with a friend who lives with me.. it is quite fabulous to have undivided attention and love (at will mind you… this is after all a cat). we took her to the kitty doctor today and got a clean bill of health! i love having a pet again, a furry loveable feedable silly thing… so nice to have.. so nice.

last nite my housemates tried on my cat suit and we took tons of polaroid pictures! it was soo fabulous… i love my house!!!

g’nite.. well its time to go…