danah boyd | apophenia | making connections where none previously existed

ok.. last nite was absurd. yesterday morning, after a nice long swim (first one in over 1.5 months!), i ran into my formal mentor from Intel at the Lab. she’s pretty darned cool but i didn’t expect to see her there; i am, afterall, flying out to Portland to spend a week with her next week. but her vacation plans got fouled up and she ended up here to work with one of my colleagues. she asked if i wanted to do dinner and of course i agreed – how can one possibly pass up free food as a freefooditarian?

so i spent the day successfully doing nothing. where the hell is my mind? why do i have no concentration or desire to work? this needs to end soon or i am fucked. i hate this weather with a passion – can i even work in winter? i was thinking back and i don’t remember a winter where i was able to concentrate on anything academic. last february, i went from taking 5 class to taking 2 classes (only one of which i passed). given, things that didn’t require thought, but required action were quite easily finished (i.e. silly concerts). the year before that, i was in Amsterdam and didn’t need to do any thinking in the early months because it was a bunch of bullshit. the year before that, i wasn’t thinking; i was doing software engineering mindlessly. the year before that, i was miserable taking thought-based classes and that was the semester i went insane and locked myself up for 2 weeks. hmm.. i think i need that i light.

anyhow.. back to dinner.. so, this kid at my lab chose the restaurant, a place called Clio; only better restaurant in Boston is the Four Seasons. ok.. sure.. whatever, i can behave and eat in the class that i definitely don’t belong to. sure. so, we order.. first, nice red wine (similar in the fruitiness and smoothness to last nite). fancy salad involving blue cheese and a vegetable that i don’t remember the name of – something like elive or something weird like that.. next, suckling pig. ok.. this is all fine and well.. dessert comes around and i order a nice port and mint mousse. no problem right? well, right before we order dessert, the kid who arranged the dinner told the waiter to say hello the chef and that we were from the lab. oh boy. next, comes this pineapple jello-like stuff with a frothy coconut topping. then, a fancy after dinner drink with citrus in it. next, a big chocolate egg filled with liqueur where the waiter poured hot chocolate liqueur on top of it until it split apart, melting. next, these funny “mints” which were slivers of a mint-like substance that melted on our tongues and were to be followed with this other fancy chocolate. by the end, i was the stuff pig and thought that you would be humored, especially given my inability to actually explain in detail any of what i ate..

can i ever actually think of this as normal? at dinner, i was constantly in awe.. and i stated that shock, mostly in my expression. the think is that my mentor joked that it is now her goal to teach me how to spend industry money and not think about it. ::the table laughs:: the thing is – will that ever just settle well with me? do i really want it to be a no-brainer? it goes against everything that i think of as normal, all of my goals for doing this grad school / elite class bullshit. i don’t want to be a part of the system, as much as get inside, behave as i should in order to change things. that’s always been my goal. what will the impact of the greed into normalcy type thing be? will i just think of it as normal to have a $40 dinner a nite as so many of my advisors and friends seem to encourage? maybe this is why all of my housemates were so appalled that i would go on to academia in the hopes of changing industry. or even the thought of me going to industry.. erg. mental debate.

my hands hurt. i really wish they didn’t – its almost as though they are my primary nemesis, as though they intend to thwart my thinking, my life, my goals. i often wonder if i think through my hands, use them as something beyond a tool, a way of life. they are my livelihood, because they are the way i can best express myself. they allow me to think. i remember reading an article by sherry turkle, explaining how when graphical programs for word processing became the norm, she was no longer able to edit or write without her computer in front of her. this always made sense to me. i feel stifled without my computer and my life feels like its on the brink of only being virtual, and i am not so thrilled.

i used to crave things that i wish i didn’t remember that i did. now, a day without being plugged in and i crave email with the intensity of heroin. i ache for it and i feel on edge and uncomfortable.. my mind wanders to what messages i might have and i fail to pay attention to the subject matter at hand. only i rarely go long with any feeling of withdrawal symptoms before plugging in. maybe there should be a computer addicts anonymous. only, because it is my work and my pleasure, i am excused. hrmpft.

last nite, i spent the evening with my former advisor, Andy, another tech addict. only he is fascinated with what might possibly be, with an eye on whatever has already been. that’s what you get when you live through the entire span of computing history! he told me stories about being on TV in a program right before a ridiculous, unknown, crazy, disrespected French chef named Julia Childs. he was talking about the state of hypertext and the future that it would mean for literature and fiction. only today, he is upset with the likes of Robert Coover for destroying any ideas he had and calling HTML hypertext. i guess that’s what you get when you are a hypertext pioneer and your ideas are only still ideas 30 years later. at least you aren’t Ted Nelson poor Ted Nelson…

but what a fabulous evening with Andy.. reminded me how much i love him. we talked about people, about research, about my ideas (including about me), and about how i am not going to work on my ugrad thesis any longer – and he even bought it! he tried to teach me to be a lady and do things proper – helping me order the “appropriate” entree and learn to drink & enjoy wine. he was adorable. just like a good father. he gave good advice and we had great brainstorming sessions. ah…

i really hate when i read psychology theory and agree with it.

phase one of grief recovery:
– avoidance (shock, denial, disbelief)
phase two of grief recovery:
– confrontation (anger, depression)
phase three of grief recovery
– reconstruction (acceptance and understanding)

i, for one, am definitely on stage two, angry and pissed, furious. i feel as though i have lost all trust in the person that i have trusted 100% for four years and this is unbelievable to me. i am just in so much pain. problem is that i really don’t like the same people’s advice on recovery:

THE THREE V-‘s AND THE THREE -ize’s:
– Ventilate-You need to ventilate your grief.
– Validate-You need someone to validate your grief.
– Vocalize-You need someone to listen as you vocalize your grief.
– Normalize
– but do not · Minimize your grief. You need people who understand you. Perhaps it is at this time that you may wish to seek out a support group.

i guess the hard part is that i don’t have that support network. erk. this sucks. and the damn people from the clinic did not call back.

it finally hit me: my best friend is gone. well, he may be my best friend but i am not his; i am not his priority or where he thinks to go when he has a problem. he has found a replacement in his current relationship and that hurts so badly. the funny thing is that while i have fallen in love with him again, he has moved beyond me. i feel as though i am reaching out into nowhere land, reaching out for someone that will never again be there for me. and the loneliness seeps in once again. it was so hard to watch as his new lover knew all my stories, all of our “personal” experiences. it hurt, not because i was angry with her but because i was angry with myself. i feel as though i failed, failed to maintain the most important relationship in my life, failed to hold on to the one person who could make me smile no matter how bad the day was. and the realization that it was my failure, my inability to be stable that drove him away. and this only makes me less stable. so i am awaiting the phone call from the depression clinic, knowing that i need help. and i am angry, angry with him for not making me aware of the reality that this is no longer temporary but permanent.. when we broke it off in december, the idea was that we were going to be explore our own lives, check things out, etc.. well, he moved on completely and i did not. and now i am alone, and in pain, hurting so deeply that i wonder why i am here any more… wondering what the next step for survival is, worried that i won’t make it there. so i start to surf ani and the first two songs that i see don’t help a whole lot…

then, oh its so ironic / here’s this girl with all her friends / sitting in such solitude / trying desperately to mend / and suddenly the four walls are closing in around / the daily defenses are all falling down. / what are you gonna do / you are living all alone / there’s no place to go out / and no reason to come home. (no reason to come home)

or this little war, about realizing that you feel possession….

funny thing is that my car is all packed up and i am ready to camp out or travel but i don’t know where to go, don’t have a place of my own anywhere in this world…

and i need to learn that i am alone, but i honestly don’t know if i am capable. for the first time in my life, i am genuinely scared, scared of what this all means…

well, i graduated.. not sure how thrilled i am but i am done.. the family matters were the part that drove me insane.. i just don’t want to have to constantly be dealing, constantly be surrounded by stress and confusion, not knowing how to handle any of it. i just didn’t want to participate. but there i was, full on faking my enjoyment of the process that ensued, dealing with my family since it was not my graduation, but more my mother’s. i was quite humored (and depressed) by watching my mom and andy interact… mom said something about making it through “our” four years; andy corrected her by saying that i had made it and then mom repeated with “no, we did it.” it made me realize how much she viewed my life through her eyes and it made me depressed even more.. i mean, how much of why i am so stressed is because i am trying to live out a role that she has created for me?? why is this considered acceptable? it just made me so miserable, not at all comfortable with who i am and what is going on in my life.. why am i continously putting myself through such hell? what masochist in me lets me get away with that? why?? i just want to curl in bed and avoid, avoid everyone.

i wonder how much i am like a boy. i am very comfortable in my body, don’t get me wrong. i really feel like the body of a woman belongs to me and that i belong to it. i get annoyed at my breasts and my period but i think that is normal, not really attributing that to a hatred of my body. i get angry because it is not athletic or because my ass is too large but i don’t see myself as a boy, physically.

the funny thing is that i like to envision myself as a skaterboy punkchild androgynous creature. and when i interact with men, i feel like i belong more than when i interact with women. there is a small subsection of the dyke community that i feel identifies like me, but it is peculiar. and i don’t like dating femmes… i like looking at them but i don’t like being masculinized like that. i like staying in androgynous land, uncertain of where i stand. and i like being able to get all girly when i want to.. this makes me happy. but i don’t really see myself as fitting in as a girl, thinking like a girl.

maybe its not identifying like a guy, as much as having learned to assimilate too well and now feeling alienated from my own community. all i know is that it does make me feel aweful to not be accepted by either community and the older i get, the less i feel welcome on either side. it is peculiar, and painful, infuriating. it makes me feel so uncertain about myself as a person. i am not certain where a home exists, or how to find it. i see a sexual devide and it makes me sad, mostly because i don’t feel as though i belong.

and yet, i feel as though i am being forced to belong, which is only making me more depressed and frustrated. i just want to be myself and be accepted. but isn’t that the cry of most people?

well, things are not exactly going as i always expect them to. and fuck you cause i know that i haven’t written in a while. but now i am depressed as fuck and don’t know what is an appropriate outlet so i am trying to go with this, something that seems a bit better than most.

certainly i am depressed. welcome to danah world and what always is the start of me writing in this diary. so, yeah, i am depressed. and as a result, i am bitter and angry and frustrated and a million other inappropriate emotions that i don’t know how to vent appropriately. i mean, i know that i am not really doing well. i can’t eat and i am never hungry, yet i can tell that my body is chewing its own cudd because i can taste the taste of starvation in the back of my throat and no toothpaste makes it go away.

i am lonely, in that embittered angry way that it so deep down inside that the burn can make my heart stop when i just stop to think about it.

i am tearing at myself, confused and uncertain, with my ialac sign already tattered beyond repair.

and the most depressing part is that i am smart enough to know that i am being selfish and that i am not alone. yet i also feel my own pain more than anyone else’s which only challenges the situation further. and no matter how hard i think otherwise, i want to curl under a pillow and die, just die. i thought about the problems with suicide today, not really remembering why i never do it but remembering that i never do so why start now. i feel too hollow, too out of control, too confused and uncomfortable in my own situation, uncomfortable about everything that is going on. ahhhhhhhhhhhh

it’s funny… there is a party here but i don’t know anyone and don’t feel social enough to deal.. so i am sitting in my room, on my computer just being a dork. it has been an interesting first week of classes.. and the funny thing is that i am getting super close to one of my housemates.. our attitude about things is so identical – we are both far less interested in partying and far more in doing shit and _chilling out_. funny funny .. but she wants me to live with her and i think that is a great idea.. i would love to live with her!

so my week has been filled with bullshit. i got off of effexor, a crazy drug last semester and i was quite happily chilling without it, except for the adhd.. so i tried to go see a doctor and get on ritalin.. it seemed like a logical idea.. but the problem is that to get on ritalin, i need to take tests to prove that i really need it, that i really have adhd. but those tests are $1200 and the cost or ritalin is already quite high. i can get it for almost half the cost just by buying it on the black market. how retarded is that? i find it to be super super ridiculous and don’t know quite how to deal. dumb dumb dumb. so i am now buying it illegally – yeck. stupid shit.

school started and i got into the classes that i really wanted – taking hypertext and artist machine (electronics and mechanics for artists) and am super psyched about that. so it was cool. i walked into hypertext 45 minutes late (i was shopping another course) and the professor interrupted and went “ so glad to see you!!!” and then proceeded to ask questions of me regarding everything that i knew anything of.. it was so funny! he wanted me to take the class because it is good bookends to my time at brown. tehehehe. so that is cool… and he is letting me work on one project for both classes – so good!

and vday is going pretty good… well, chaotic but i got tracy chapman! but there is still chaos

i am cold and depressed. actually, i think that they are probably very interrelated.. i mean, when i am cold, i am always depressed. i want to have a home, a place where i feel like i can go to and be comfortable and safe.. but because of the temperature in my house that is not possible. it is too cold for me to be comfortable.. and we pay $400 in gas a month and it never goes over 60 degrees. i can’t handle it at all. it is a huge problem. and it makes me want to stay in bed and not leave. and it is soo cold. and i am so not happy. and i haven’t been eating.. which is not helping anything except maybe my fat reserves and my pocket (the latter being a primary reason for not eating). see, i have been eating in social spaces.. as per normal… looking normal and healthy and blah but not feeling so normal and healthy. i haven’t started on vitamins yet because i haven’t eaten more than one meal a day. i have spent all my food money for this week on extra layers of warm clothing and i will spend next weeks on a new heater in the hopes that i can at least stay warm. it is so depressing to be constantly freezing. at least i have gotten over being hungry.. like my body isn’t hungry but it sure as fuck is cold.

i think i was less depressed when i was psyched for one of my friends to come back. he’s been outta communication for over a week and i had been waiting for him to come back and i sorta expected for him to come and crash with me and tell me fun stories and blah blah blah.. but he got back and dropped an email and i called and he was blah and going to bed and i asked if he wanted to come chill for a bit and he didn’t.. so, sad, went to bed alone.. then i messaged him this morning and more blah blah blah whatever crap. i need to get out of relationships that make me feel more lonely. i think it is healthier not to have up/down relationships than ones that make me sad 1/2 of the time. but yet, i also know that i won’t be able to get out of it cause i am a putz like that. i thrive on mixed message relationships. erg. and it makes me so angry.

thankfully the sarah doyle women’s center gave me a key and told me that i can come whenever. i think i am going to have to spend a lot of time at the sdwc cause otherwise i will end up at the cit all the time .. and that is bad. or else! maybe i can go and spend time at the rock; i have never been there before! (except nekkid with donuts) alas…. so depressing.

i think i am going to be sick. do you know that feeling that comes over you when an emotional feeling takes control of your physical self? well, it is in full force.