arrived in venice today after flying through de gaulle. somehow, i was just utterly confused about the entire process. but that is also me… i crashed pretty hard at the hotel upon arrival (figures) because i just preferred to sleep than to be tired and touring. besides, it was raining and i still don’t like rain. i listed to ani’s new album over and over again; i think i will have it memorized soon.

so i am spending large amounts of time with my partner for the first time since our big fight and i am starting to realize something about him. i think what drives me nuts about him is that he brings out so many things about me that i don’t like. for example, around him, i feel lazy and clueless, confused and disinterested, generally inadequate. i don’t know what about his presence does that to me but i recognize it more and more that this is what has been driving me nuts. what is it about his mannerisms, his way of action that makes me feel this way? i find it so peculiar, and quite disturbing within me.

so, we awoke at 7pm this time and decided to wander for food. we wandered for a long time, only finding snack shops and mc’ds and a really expensive restaurant. i started noticing how much i glared at the italian men and avoided their glaze. i think that italian men sketch me out in such a big way. part of me wants to look like a big dyke so that they will leave me alone but i am also afraid of the consequences of that decision. either way, i want to avoid the italian men. eek! i don’t get why i think they are so repulsive but they really really bother me… damn, all of my negatives are just seeping out of my pores!

so, my partner and i found a place to eat, a little caffeteria type place and we went in and got really good pizza and other foods. as we tried to pay, the lady kept trying to tell us something in italian but both of us looked sooo clueless. apparently, it was 1/2 off day if a boy brought a girl. and there i was, a girl, trying to pay for the two of us. to make matters worse, i tried to pay 10 times as much since these liras confuse the hell outa me. so, only hours into being in italy and i have to deal with machismo! i looked around and realized that not a single woman was there alone or with other women; they were all there with men! i don’t know if i am prepared to be in a male male male culture, as if mine is not.

so, strange days emerged and there are more to come, i am certain. for now, i think it is bedtime!

i called my grandfather today and i started crying. i don’t think he realized that i was crying but i was. see, as much as i tell myself over and over again that everything is going to be all right, i am partially afraid that it is not going to be. i am afraid that he won’t make it and i don’t think that i could handle that. what if that was the last time that i heard his voice?

to make matters worse, it think he is scared too. i have never heard him mention the crash from the war but when i asked if he was nervous, he said that he learned a lot from the crash about how to deal with hospitals and what to think. thus, he is not nervous, just ready. well, i am glad he is being at least verbally sane because i don’t think he is as calm as he is pretending to be.

anyhow, surgery in two days. let’s pray.

I HATE COMPUTERS

Today has been a bad computer day. My keys are now broken; I have to send my computer back to the manufacturer. How annoying is that? Frankly, it annoys me oh-so-much. I just want to have a working happy computer.

And computer companies piss me off. I lose my warranty if I open my computer up. I lose my warrenty for practically everything. How irritating. They won’t send me a new computer; I have to wait forever to get one.

Grr.. damn computers.

what an amazing weekend i had! i went to new york for the conference on vagina monologues. there were 100 women and 4 gay guys there which was great. i arrived in new york all tired and cranky, not so thrilled that i was having to be there.. but things changed.

at one point, i was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. a crazy girl came up and asked if i could share. of course. we started talking and she already knew everything about me! one thing led to another and she came with me to meet various friends downtown for some drinks. we went, had a good time, chilled out. at one point, this icky boy tried to hit on me and the girl just kissed me and got him off my back. teheh. so we bar hopped and got drunk and got to know each other really well. she is super super cool. we had a great time.

next day, organizational events actually start. craziness begins. i met some wonderful people instantaneously. talked to a gonna-be-lawyer dyke over a cigarette. she was crazy, following the system just in order to change it. tremendous.

the dykes teamed up… slowly all of the dykes were friends and we just started hanging out. at one point, eve has us all moan. that was the end.. now a lot of horny dykes.

we went to see the broadway version of the play (i cried in bosnia, of course). then we headed to the dinner with everyone and the dykes sat together getting to know one another. intense. i lusted after a girl with an amazing body.

we headed to the meow mix, a lesbian bar downtown. the girl that i thought was so unbelievable starting flirting with me. we danced and played, relaxed and drank. it was beautiful. not too long later, we were kissing and she was so amazing. i couldn’t believe it. we talked all nite, got to know each other and have a blast. it was amazing. we took a shower together and curled up in bed together. ah.. so nice.