Anyone who knows me knows that Boston brought out some of the most despicable and horrid aspects of me and it made me more depressed than i’ve ever experienced, yet without any of the supports necessary to get through it in a non-destructive manner. I thought that i could deal with that wretched city long enough to get my grad degree, but i learned quickly that grad school is challenging itself and thus you must be in the most positive context imaginable to deal. I knew that i needed to be in San Francisco. Period. Grad school or not. Hell, even my MIT advisor points out my San Francisco tendencies. Well, this morning a little article reminded me of why i love my silly bubble and why i never want to leave…

It’s that odd dumbstruck jolting feeling you get as soon as you step more than 25 miles away from this most progressive and funked-out and deeply flawed and self-consciously screwy of kaleidoscopic American urban metropoli: oh my freaking God, what is happening to the world? This is what you say. To yourself. Probably.

Because suddenly you find yourself pummeled with many of those lovely bleak horrible things you’ve somehow become so inured to while living in S.F., those things you might’ve slowly come to hope don’t really exist quite so violently and vehemently anymore. But of course they do.

…

Sexism. Racism. Guns. Jingoism. Jesus fetishism. Psychopatriotism. Rampant pseudo-religious family-values faux-ethical circle jerking masquerading as Christian humility. Wal-Marts like giant florescent-lit viruses. Strip malls like a stucco plague. Ho hum, ain’t that America. It so is.

…

I’m going to take this moment of procrastination to articulate how deadly technology is for aiding procrastination. In the last year, i’ve been pretty responsible to no one. My one responsibilty has been to V-Day. I’m expected to work 20 hours a week, but i often easily work 30, partially because that job is attuned to my best procrastination habits and thus work feels like procrastinating. An old friend of mine used to wimper about TV being a deadly reason for his prolonged PhD stay. Of course, this sounds like a typical “back when i was your age…” and of course i want to respond to how it is sooo much different now. But it is! Really!

I’ve managed to rid myself of the traditional procrastination tools. Solitaire has been removed from my computer and there is no TV to be found. Plus, i’ve never mastered the clean to procrastinate technique.

But there’s email… well, i have justified that email has work purposes (V-Day only validates this by having the focus of my work day spent on dealing with emails for tech support). Thus, i check email obsessively. *Obsessively.* There are two different accounts. One account has 6 different folders in which email may arrive. The idea was that all list email goes far far away from my INBOX. But what do i do? I check those other boxes in rote rotation. To top it off, i always have my INBOX displayed so that i can see a new little “N” pop up next to a new message. ::sigh::

Of course, IM is just as bad as email, only the relationship between productivity and work is much weaker. Luckily, a simple “i’m working, interrupt if necessary” message often keeps that procrastination tool in line.

Then there are blogs. Reading blogs, writing in blogs, surfing blogs, surfing the links in blogs. Blogs are truly a distraction. You can justify them as learning, or keeping tabs on people’s social behavior or the digital memes. Direct web surfing feels like procrastination; blog surfing feels like you are doing your mind a service. Which you are. You are helping it avoid the task at hand.

Next comes the myriad of sites out there intended for you to come back and surf them out of curiousity, particularly those targeted at making you feel socially relevant. Friendster, neopets, … Cruel. Evil.

Of course, so much of this centers around my Internet Explorer window. In theory, i should not be allowed to open it. But, you know, when you’re writing a paper, well, you *need* Google don’t you??

Next comes my small obsession with any form of data. I fill out surveys to procrastinate. I check my web logs (y’know – the ones that tell you how many visitors you have). I re-analyze any data i’m collecting in databases. (No, no new signups for the conference; yes, organizers are still procrastinating their Follow-ups…) I make certain that all of my book purchases are entered into the DB and that proper, and kind, feedback is left for the seller. Of course, if i haven’t purchased a book in 4 days, i probably surf my wishlist at half.com to see which books are relevant to the currently procrastinated paper. I even redo my finances and try to figure out how i can spend less than i make each month (which is brutally hard in San Francisco, particularly with my half.com habit).

Finally, when all else fails, i remember why procrastination is an essential feature of grad school by reading phdcomics. [Conveniently, this week’s comic is on the sale of research to the military…]

My relationship to journaling and blogging online has had regular shifts. In 1997, i recorded my daily reflections for my Zen teacher. Over time, this shifted to a series of entries intended for friends who were curious as to what was going on in my head and in my life. These early versions were simply intended for a small collection of people, not for the masses. At some point, i started maintaining a collection of interesting things that i was reading and recording those online. As blogging emerged, i was annoyed at having two separate recordings and shifted to a public, semi-personal (but with very little detail) archive of random segments of my life. The purpose was never particularly clear, but the usefulness of it was. Regardless of who else used my ramblings, their searchability made them a great resource for me to regularly access bits of interest.

Well, it’s time for a new version to emerge. In part, this is intentional. For the last nine months, i’ve been living a fairly hedonistic lifestyle (and loving every moment of it). But in conversation yesterday with one of my favorite people, i realized how mushy my brain has become and how i rarely exercise its usefulness. In addition, my ability to articulate thoughts on paper is sorely unpracticed and i’m finding writing utterly painful. Thus, a new mid-year resolve: in addition to random useful links, i will attempt to record my reflections on the various ideas that pass through my head. The purpose is primarily theraputic. I need to get more accustomed to writing and more comfortable in generating organized thoughts. Like any of my online ramblings, i don’t care if anyone reads them or comments on them, but i always welcome challenging thoughts in return.

Last night, i remembered why i value psychedelic trance music as a mechanism for producing a trance-like experience. I went into the evening anxious to hear Peter Didjital because it was the first time that a Scando DJ had spun since i moved here. And boy was i not disappointed. I danced almost the entire night, getting deep into my mind about my relationships with others, particularly powerful women, and my problems with communication. It was an utterly intense evening, full of wonders and reminders and i walked out exhausted and smiling from ear to ear.

The world looks perfect from this perspective.

Wow.. what an intense weekend. I went off to Palm Springs with a friend of mine and got to remember why it is that we are such good friends (and how much we’ve matured over the last 7 years). We spent a large chunk of the weekend sharing ideas, analyzing viewpoints, giving perspective on the other person, etc. Sooo yummy.

So, if you know me, you probably know that i was pretty much miserable at the Media Lab, for a *lot* of reasons. In fact, my experience in Boston made me a bitter and angry person and brought out some of the worst characteristics in my personality. I would love to just erase those two years from my history, but i’m still struggling with the consequences from the mistakes and anger induced.

While i made my own mistakes there, i have to say that it makes me with glee when many of my woes are validated. I hate to see others in misery, but i do love to remember that i wasn’t the only one who was disturbed by the culture there. Even better, i love when the media reminds me that that place was pretty messed up.

Wired: The Lab That Fell To Earth
Boston Globe: Reinventing the Media Lab

These reminders let me take a deep breath of San Franciscan air and remember why the world is just so much better with sun.

I am constantly amazed at how much i’ve been able to do with very little money. I’ve travelled so much, i attended two obnoxiously expensive universities (with the help of Uncle Sam), i live in San Francisco, i live a pretty swell life. When i want to get into a conference, i usually find a way to be a bit of a gofer and sneak my way in. When i want to travel, plotting often works to make things a reality. It’s been a sweet life – so much privilege.

Now… knock on wood… i need to figure out how to successfully plot my way into Eve’s weekend of Women and Power (asking her is so not the answer…). ::brain scratches::

::bounce::bounce::bounce::

I’m going back to school! Peter Lyman says that i can come play at Berkeley’s SIMS. YIPPEEE!!!!!!

I went out dancing tonite… a fabulous multi-cultural, religious chillout dj. When i reached a point of exhaustion, i treked to the 24 divis busstop to trek home. A cab pulled up, and the driver offered me a ride. I waved him on, saying that i only had my dollar (the only thing left from my adventure, enough to get home). He told me to get in, that it was slow and he was bored, that no one was out tonite. He was from Tunesia, came to the US to study architecture. Studied English for a year, was accepted into Berkeley when 9/11 happened and he was no longer allowed to go. I asked him if it was hard to be in the US these days. He told me that the only trouble living in SF is dealing with the government.. how he has to keep reporting to the FBI and other organizations, how exhausting it is. We reached my home… i tried to offer my dollar but he wouldn’t take it. I love my city… i fear my government.

::bounce:: Social Network Fragments is discussed in Steven Johnson’s most recent column for Discover Magazine. Of course, my excitement is that we are discussed in relation to Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle. This makes up for the blatant reminder that my work can be used for corporate control….