Wow – it has been an intense week warped with an east coast visitation, family adventures and a very odd encounter with Jane Fonda. Also, i surprised myself at my lack of digital participation – i actually used a pen and paper to write down journal entries (that will turn digital shortly). Limited email, no phone… it’s been nice. Plus, i came back to adventures in trance dance land – Infected Mushroom style. Where we first began, we must rest upon return. In the meantime, i am filled with joy to be back in San Francisco, ever consistently more reminded of how much i adore this city.

As the world always seems to work, i end up at Mass MoCA annually. This year, i was stunned with a beautiful exhibit called fantastic!.

In particular, i was stunned speechless by Gregory Crewdson’s work and this Opelia picture in particular. This image creates a surge of conflicting emotions – awe at the beauty of the image, shame at the love of the horror, confusion over her intentions and the calculatedness in which she participated in the scene. The notion of the fantastic makes complete sense in a room full of these images. Visual raptitude.

A friend of mine talks about a genre of people in his life who share a familiar set of traits such that they live their lives exclusively their own way. They operate successfully on an alternate form of reason and logic that makes no sense to me, but is highly effective. They are non-rational. Through their passion and their ambition, they make things work, but life will always be led their way. I met my canonical representation. She wore high heels camping and threw the bowling ball over her head into someone else’s lane. But she can walk into the UN and get whatever she wants. I’m in awe.

[Note from 6/3: Every example of this type of person that i can think of is a woman. Are there examples of non-rational, powerful, effective men?]

Tonight, i read a quote by Darwin that really made me think:

“Let theory guide your observations, but till your reputation is well established, be sparing in publishing theory. It makes persons doubt your observations.” (The Moral Animal p. 299)

I have to wonder how relevant such a thought is today – are us youngin researchers forbidden from hypothesizing new theories? It’s funny… i really think that the notion of research has turned topsy-turvy in my lifetime and i still don’t know how to properly negotiate the intellectual community in a subtle, yet effective manner. Perhaps one day i will learn some tact…

Most people know that i have a small half.com problem (think Biblioholics Anonymous). In particular, i love having my books signed. This allows me to confirm that the person who wrote those magnificant words really does exist and is not simply a figment of my imagination. People are real and i love to make the connection between the real person and the literary/digital author.

Today, i got to meet one of the people in my blogosphere – Liz Lawley. It was wonderful fun to be able to map an auditory voice to the written one she presents online. As she is a gender conscious presence within the social software community, it feels great to have actually put a face to a digital identity.

At an outdoor party this weekend, a very drunk boy decided to climb a tree. Luckily, he came down alive and only passed out when the distance between him and the ground was simply his height. It was a scary moment, as people have died doing similarly stupid things at these kinds of parties… on the dance floor, in front of everyone. Terrifying and a reminder of why all drug use must be taken seriously (including alcohol).

On a mailing list discussing this incident, a mantra for outdoor parties was set in place: “the tree is not telling you to climb it but the water is telling you to drink it.” This made me smile.

It is very unsettling to go to a brainstorming dinner concerning a game that you play and note that the researcher has a copy of your thesis with her without even realizing who you are.

Research into replacing spinal discs has been underway for a while, but it appears as though it is working. They haven’t really gotten as far as neck discs, but more work is underway. Oooh… Maybe one day i’ll be able to ski and play frisbee. Oooh….

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Something that i heard recently has been wriggling through my brain, resonating because it’s quite true. Corporate research once flourished in computer-related industry, producing immense amounts of intellectual property and great ideas. So many people that i knew flocked to research centers like Bell Labs, Xerox Parc and Interval instead of entering academia. Such research centers brought in the best and the brightest and so many amazing inventions came from there. Lately, it seems, corporate research centers are disappearing, or fading. Certainly, the economy is tight, but it’s still sad. Yet, it was noted that academia is producing more and more intellectual property and what is now needed is not separate research centers, but folks to bring together all of the emerging research, to bridge connections, to maintain the social networks of academia and industry, to connect two very different approaches to research.

I often wonder what my role in research is, why i’m doing what i’m doing and what i would excel at. Somehow, i think that if research is evolving to be about building connections, relationships, stringing together ideas… i’d be good at that. And i have to admit, i’d enjoy it…

I’ve been on house arrest all week, writing a paper, but after spending all night Friday up writing, i needed a break on Saturday. I spent the day in Golden Gate with friends listening to music, but it was more of a chill outdoors with friends situation. Most of my friends like music, but not psytrance, so in a fit of expanding my horizons, i went out with them to a club playing house/breaks/trance. This was not the wisest of ideas because it reaffirmed my hatred of clubs and made me much less likely to try to branch out music-wise, simply because i would never want to deal with that type of crowd again. In the process of grounding my emotional reaction to the environment, it seems only reasonable to write some of my thoughts down.

When we arrived at the club, there was a huge line. Luckily, it’s San Francisco so this means simple patience in relatively mild outdoor weather. My line buddy and i just kept repeating ‘stay patient’ to one another. Unfortunately, my attempts at calmness are easily swayed by others’ anxiety and the line was filled with people bitching, moaning and otherwise producing great tension. This was only magnified by the bouncers who were certainly on a mission to confirm their masculinity. I really like nice, relaxed bouncers, but then again, they don’t get paid to be sweet. By the time i got into the club 40 minutes later, i was definitely rattled. The club was split into multiple music sections with large bars in between. In fact, i would go so far as to say that it was a very large bar with a few small areas for dancing. There was no consistent energy and the entire club felt like a collection of conflicting purposes. Some people were there to dance, some to get drunk, some to be seen, and some to get laid. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of awareness about others’ motivations and thus these energies were constantly colliding and producing a very unstable state.

I tried dancing, but it was too crowded so i started wandering and talking to folks that i knew. Every time i was between people or walking, i had to deal with very predatory gazes and in a few cases, being grabbed at my shoulder to turn me around to deal with a strange man who wanted my attention. Being painfully exhausted, my feeling of safety quickly deteriorated when a very drunk guy pushed me into the men’s bathroom probably to point out an empty stall after he saw me eyeing the boys bathroom. Perhaps he was trying to be kind, but it was still aggressive and uncomfortable and i had to dart past him to get out of there.

I tracked down a friend of mine who was equally unthrilled. We both pulled our hoodies over our head and stared out at the Bay chatting at how unthrilling this environment was. She had gotten dragged along by all of us… she hates clubs, she hates dancing and i have to imagine that if this is the only version she knows (since all of her friends are into house/breaks/trance), i don’t blame her one bit. The motivating forces seemed fine in this space, but those of us who got convinced to come left shortly later.

Environment trumps everything for me. Even in my love of psytrance, i have to *really* like the DJ to go to a club (like Infected Mushroom). And for the most part, psytrance clubs don’t even get that bad… a few sketchy guys, some people who don’t seem to know why they’re there, but mostly just too many people packed into an environment to effectively dance. Although i love my music, i hate feeling trapped and usually a club gives me the feeling of being in a bird cage, unable to get away, unable to find a place just to relax for a bit and then go back to dancing.

::sigh:: And because of my crash-and-burn in participating in something new, i still don’t know whether i would enjoy dancing to my friends’ music… but i do know that i won’t just go anywhere.