Tehehehe. My baby brother got married yesterday. It brought me such joy to be able to be there with him and his new wife on their day of celebration, especially after such an intense family week.
Don’t get me wrong… i’m still not a huge fan of marriage (::cough::choke::) because of its political, religious and patriarchal legal overtunes. That said, i’m learning a scary lesson as i get older: sometimes, family has to come before politics. Actually, sometimes family just has to come first.
It was definitely a week spent exercising patience and a zen no-comment attitude as i choked down rubbery meat and iceberg salad in Walmart Nation. Damn it’s good to be back in San Francisco.
That said, i’m learning a scary lesson as i get older: sometimes, family has to come before politics.
Damn right it’s a scary one. If I had a dollar for everyone in my social circle in their late 20s and early 30s who’s ‘learning’ the same ‘lesson’, I’d be rich.
(Yes, I’m bitter.)
My dad said it best,” Family first,you second”.
Or was that referring just to me?
That “you second” thing really resonates.
“It was definitely a week spent exercising patience and a zen no-comment attitude as i choked down rubbery meat and iceberg salad in Walmart Nation. Damn it’s good to be back in San Francisco.”
Danah articulates something that every so-called “liberal” or “progressive” person I know (myself included) is faced with when it comes to family gatherings. Sarah Vowell wrote eloquently on this in her Partly Cloudy Patriot (Danah, I believe you would love her essay called “The First Thanksgiving” re; your comments). Michael Moore also wrote about the phenomena of talking to right wing family members in Stupid White Men (or was it Dude, Where’s my Country?). In any case, the requirement of understanding, flexibility, and compromise seems more often to fall on the shoulders of the the more “liberal” family member – reinforcing, ironically, the very concept of liberalism (the openness and acceptance of varied views).
Myself and my partner have sat through countless offensive and self-righteous discussions involving family members that are nothing more than passive agressive jabs at our politics and ideas. We’ve both tried defending ourselves but our defense is always reframed as an attack on their values! And so, like you, we find ourselves having to adopt, begrudgingly, a zen no-comment attitude while we eat the rubbery food. Is this the *only* way we can have relationships with family members whose ideas and values are so different from our own? Surely there’s another way?
I’m still waiting for a non-fiction book on how to negotiate politics with family. I think it’s a much needed book, if ALL Of my friends are any indication. Perhaps I need to write it …