erg.. must stop myself from projecting ahead at all points. reality says that i am a really really bad algorithm because obviously, i cannot project 1 year from now with the knowledge i currently have, and yet i do it all the time. even basic ODEs should tell me that i am being stupid. yet, i do it anyways..

so todays’ panic is about what i do after i graduate with my master’s. assuming that i stay in boston for the year (a good assumption) and assuming that i don’t want to stay at the ML immediately for a PhD (a good assumption), i will be on my own. now, if i was a normal person, i would be psyched to have emptiness to look forward to – the ability to make new decisions, go wild, travel, etc. i kinda assumed that i would be traveling (the idealist in me), but that assumption is getting practicalized by the reality that if i travel, i won’t have health insurance and that is just 100% unreasonable. ok.. so then i started thinking about what i need to do in order to maintain health insurance. really, there are a limited number of choices. stay in school so that i can stay on mum’s insurance until 25. find gainful employment in a place that will give me health insurance that will even cover me (i.e. not really small places). break all of my moral codes and get married to someone who is gainfully employed or living in a country with reasonable national healthcare (maybe martijn would be able to marry both a boy and a girl so that each of us could gain access to the netherlands…) still plotting on other ways of finagling health insurance…

ok.. so health insurance is not really the biggest issue in the world, yet i am still panicking in projection. and, as figurs, i am still thinking i should be in school so i am panicking to find schools that i should consider. these are the times when i just wish i could relax and let things happen, but no matter how hard i try, i really just can’t avoid that eek feeling in my stomach. erg.

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