a friend today told me that i know myself pretty darn well and that has stuck in my head for quite some time. first, do i really know myself? to what degree can one know oneself? and why do i get this gutteral feeling that this is a curse of intelligence.. tonite, i went and saw american movie this evening – made me realize how lucky i am to have been born, raised, etc in an educated community. middle america genuinely scares me. but back to the question – do i know myself and if so in what ways?

i am most sure of myself as a sexual being. it is definitely the area that i am most confident but i cannot determine when that started. i mean, i have almost developed an ego re: my sexual capabilities. and i don’t know if i am actually proud of that. especially when i am uncertain on other fronts, that is a front that i feel safe. egads: who am i??

i know that i don’t deal well with loneliness. well, noone deals well with actual loneliness because the word implies that pit in your stomach where everything seems wrong.. but i also don’t deal well with actual social loneliness – not being around people. y’see.. being around people makes me forget any pain i might be encountering or any confusion that i have. thus, i thrive on it. scary, eh? if i don’t have people around, i get completely batty… hmm.. ok.. enough self-analysis.. i should work.

well, i am back at home after some fun and adventure in san francisco. i went there to be with my (now ex) partner and in many ways it was a good thing but in other ways, i could have done without the experience.

the thing is that i still adore my ex, at least in my head… there is just this tension between us and it doesn’t feel quite right. i have yet to figure out how to express the emotions that i am having with regard to this situation and it is kinda frustrating that way; i just want to understand what the fuck is going on and why i feel like i do. doesn’t make sense does it? sure as hell doesn’t for me…

but the actual trip was quite fun and silly.. i spent time shopping (always fun) and now have some mighty kickass sex toys! plus a few good clothes. i took a friend drag shopping and that was kickass. plus, i got my ex a suit at macy’s.. suit shopping is cool! i also spent a great deal of time with a friend of yore. we applied to graduate school together and i sure as hell hope that we manage to get in- it would just be too fucking cool…

i did come back home early though, mostly because of work but also because it was just strange to be there and a part of this life that was not mine. that is quite peculiar.. i don’t feel _comfortable_ with the situation. erg.

i did have an amazing interview with microsquish. who would have guessed?? it was the best interview i have ever had.. i got to design microsoft word for kids in the interview and it was fun!

erg.. mental confusion.

what a strange and funny nite… so i went out with some women-loving friends of my san francisco friends. i say women-loving because neither identifies completely as a lesbian and one is particularly waffling between straight and bisexual. still, quite fun.. went to an all women’s space where there were guys there but all the same, it was quite fun and humorous. some gorgeous women were there and i was definitely oogling one! plus, all different types of people which was super cool. has a grand time at the party, just watching and observing, remembering all that i had forgotten…

like lesbian drama – club-based, who is ex-girfriends of who and therefore cannot talk to new ex-girlfriend’s best friend of whoever.. egads!

like the fact that lesbians can take pride a bit too far.. so, you aren’t GAY???? then why the fuck are you here?

like the reality that not everywhere in the world is appreciative of the culture that i come from that i am.. i like education, i value it. i don’t ask someone if they are smart… some of it is just “normal” or doesn’t matter.. but i guess it does to some.. makes me realize another privilege.

like my observation that the bay area should be a sci-fi novel. anger management classes for those who are reckless drivers? photographing cars going through red-lights and then sending tickets in the bulk? a pacific bell stadium? $20 covers on a regular friday night? billboards with statements like “paper is passe; online flyers” (and no one blinks at that)??

that people put true importance in metaphysics symbols as determinents for dating and for friends?

that combinations of vitamins can cause great highs…

i idealize too much.. and i think that things that i recognize in other people are because i recognize them in myself.. and therefore i wonder what i don’t see in myself, what others can teach me and show me. there is so much out there that i don’t understand or don’t know about.. how can i get at it?

and why is every element of my body constantly rotating who is tingling and numb? that is disconcerting…

so it wasn’t the type of new year’s that i was hoping.. i mean, i was hoping/planning/wanting to be in baja or someplace warm and exciting and chill.. and instead ended up at a party.. so it became like any other nite at a san francisco party… i guess it was fun but it was a bit disappointing. i did get to cuddle with a girlie which was cool but i just wished that it was all huge and fun filled with stories to remember…

i remember as a little girl, planning weddings with my best friend. she wanted the total june white wedding.. i wanted to get married on new year’s of 2000… throw a huge party. well, i am glad that did not happen (hell, don’t even believe in marriage any more and don’t have him anymore either!)… but still, i wanted some fun…

it was nice.. on the actual day of new year’s i got to sit in hot tubs with friends.. i love hot tubs and chilling… reminds me of the conferences…

anyhow.. not a lot to tell about the new year’s experience…

boy do i feel like shit. and stupid at best. i am in california now, land of the overly rich and too-much-to-do crowd. i knew ahead of time that i could not economically keep up and i expected as much, planned accordingly. i didn’t want to come out for very long because i knew that i did not have enough time to work and make up for it. my ex had promised to pay for my expenditures out here because he wanted me out here. i didn’t feel comfortable with this idea and resolved in my head to pay for what i could but to try to keep things to a minimum. well, that hasn’t happened. i am already realizing how far into debt i am going and this morning mentionned this problem, needing to put a halt to the entire situation. i need to stop doing $20 dinners and i can’t afford to keep up on new year’s or other events. i am not making money but i am spending and that does not work well. and what did he say? he said that my asking for money made him resentful and not wanting to help. its funny because two weeks ago, he realized my predicament and now is completely forgetting.

so, this raises a question… next year? see, he suggested that i come out here and “relax” for a year before going back to grad school on the east coast. and i thought this sounded like an excellent plan. i really wanted to go to art school. when we were still together, i was going to live with him, go to art school and work part-time. i was going to get health insurance covered by him and borrow money when absolutely necessary (hopefully as little as possible). now i feel like i shouldn’t even come out here. i can’t afford to live here, i won’t have health insurance, car insurance. i don’t have money for my own rent and i can’t keep up with my friends life-style-wise. what is the point? i am not certain. i won’t be any more relaxed then when i came out here. because, either i need to work in industry and pay my own way to live out here or, if i go to art school, i will still need to work 3/4 time to pay for being out here. thus, no matter what i have to work, something i don’t want to do just yet.

AHHHHHHHHHH

we realized it. for good. its over, between the two of us.. it only makes sense.. we can’t even put on a show for the outside world, try to confuse ourselves through the eyes of others.. internally, emotionally, we both know and understand. it is a reality that neither of us want to accept but we need to, part of us that we don’t want to let reach into our souls and tear us apart.. but it has.. distance has made the difference, confused and dazed. but now we are learning to accept reality, a friendship that is tight as hell, no breaks. can i accept that? i need to.. and i am learning.

but what does the future lie in store?

i can feel my inards, wrapped around my self, folded inside-out, like and onion unpeeling itself backwards. pushing out my whole self, exposing my inside as my skin, enclosed and confused, peddling backwards, reaching for bortrayal. where is my mind, confused and disentangled, throwing puches towards the center, through the outside. composed and deflected, rocking unsaddlingly towards me. confused, at will.

pulsation looms, befriended and sickened… decisions go unfold into a more terribler reality. succumbed by idiocy and crashing as imploding, outwards. fucked if i’d know. rapsody.

—

decried as insane.

lunatic beneath the moon, only four days past, questioning the immediate without reaction. carvation, indention. collapse and pretend, relax and twist the candy-cane reality into a mesh.

and why? a/k, he told me, man on the moon; and i understood. breething to make a difference by undoing the creation of self, community, life. text.

—

repulsed by self, looking out, questioning the purpase when so much else needs to be done, questioning the self-reasoning, the belonging, the disengaged.

frazzled straight through, electictry perputually.

i fear that i am losing paitence with my family… and i don’t think that this is a good thing. i don’t really want to be losing patience with them because i do absolutely adore my family… in theory.

or maybe it is just that my mind is spinning on other things, disconnected and confused. but every little thing drives me insane. like the fact that my grandma never really hears what i am saying. or that my grandpa loves to show the same slides over and over and over again. or that my mother has to always have something to worry about, often at the expense of my sanity.. the little things drive me insane. and yet, i love them.

or is this the story of every family? i mean, if life is truly based on tv, i would vote that every family drives everyone in the family genuinely insane. and they bitch and scream on tv.. but that is a bad idea in reality. instead, i find myself being demure and chill as my mother once again asks how much weight i have gained (bam! to the self-esteem mind you). i walk away from the situation exhasted with my esteem frustrated and feeling guilty about the entire situation…

but i still love them…

maybe its true.. maybe the people who drive you insane the most are also the people you love the most.. and it al boils down to family!

i now understand her. i never thought it would make sense. finally, i am seeing so much of what she says many years later, now that i have gotten through the four years of pain that she guarenteed. how did she know and why do i miss her, even though she is not the person that i remember, not nearly as strong but very on her own.. so tough to understand under new light. what a strange journey of pain and confusion… still thinking of putting that on paper.

well, it has been a difficult point for me in my life… i have been doing a lot of thinking but at times it just doesn’t work so well. thus, how to explain to you, my subconscious, what the hell is going on.

well, he and i broke up. or, as i have been trying to tell my inner-self, he and i are taking a break, or reevaluating our relationship or whatever bullshit you can come up with. we broke up.

i go back and forth from being able to adequately handle this. when i think that i might have it under control, i break into auto-tears and become an emotional nitemare. i guess, the thing is that i don’t want to think that it is over, i don’t want to think that i failed at maintaining this relationship. no matter what anyone tells me, i am convinced that i failed somehow.

i mean, here we are, non-monogamous and having a great ole time and then it sneaks up on me.. this realization that we aren’t really together any more. why is that? would it have happened if we weren’t trying to see other people? is it a bad thing?

i know my attraction to women is getting out of hand these days, sorta forcing me to be repulsed by the physical representation that is man. but is this a reason to end a relationship? maybe it is.. but it is a hard realization for me to handle.. or not handle as the case actually is. erg. so difficult, so frustrating, so out of hand and confusing. what is wrong with the situation?

the thing is that i love him, probably more than i ever did.. i can’t imagine being closer to anyone, anyone making me feel more special in this world. so why the fuck did we break up? not like it isn’t my fault.. i mean, i have been thinking such thoughts for months, sorta in the back of my head, untapped because of the fear of what untapping might bring…

and yet i feel like a failure.