i don’t know if it is a part of who i am or what i think but i have always thought that i was genuinely crazy; i always wondered when i would end up in the hospital, adoring the movies, loving the book stories of being crazy. it just made sense to me. and i always questions my motives to start with, wondering if what i was doing was motivated by something else, someone else, spite. but anyway…
part of me wants to be sane, and the other doesn’t really… i just wonder when i will stop running and what will happen then. do i do pressure? in a weird fucked up way.. and only some times. i want to be alone and i despise it all the time, addiction to socialization, adicted to instability. love of what? nonsense. i like trouble.
so, the part wanting to be sane has ordered vitamins, vowed to exercise, promised to take control. but the stupid & insane part has done a few more things. i mean, we (that part pushing me), broke up with my lover, spends outta control, engages in constant seek of sex, and goes to see a fucked up movie for “fun”.
the book reminded of myself, understanding the character, realizing who i am, engaging. and the other part faught. while the movie was not the book, it took me to a time, an emotional state without remembering the details of the book. and so i am stoned, confused and frustrated.. knowing that i don’t have control as much as i pretend. if i stop, i will fall and i don’t know how to do that.. so i run.
so the character in the book – susanna.. well, you get this impression that she is not really insane, just not entirely together. she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a common “disease” for anyone they can’t classify.. and i definitely fit into the definition:
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7) chronic feelings of emptiness
8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms
but if everyone has this, why don’t i feel like everyone feels like i do.. i feel like shit