well, i got frustrated today. actually a lot frustrated me today. it was a frustrating day. but one thing happened that was rather odd. i went to the religious studies building for their open house to check it out. i knew that i did not like one of the profs and figured that if i was going to possibly major in it, i needed to meet other profs. so, i went to the reception.
almost immediately, i started talking to someone, a professor. he asked me about my interests and if i had taken religious studies courses. i mentionned rs3 and started talking about my current religious studies course. very excitedly i mentionned that i was doing a religious studies course with mark unno about zen buddhism. he seemed disguested from the start for no good reason and started quizzing me about what i was doing. still excited, i spoke about the course and how everything was done over the internet and how it was a very rewarding experience. well, things went downhill from there. he was pissed off that i could get credit for such a thing, saying it was against university policy and was not in the name of education. he kept ranting. i mentionned that brown was specifically interested in helping people learn what is interesting to them thru alternative means. he flipped stating that it was only acceptable with tenured professors or something and i mentionned that it was thru a tenured professor, or at least the supervision was. and he flipped. he kept going, annoyed at me.

rather than getting angry or pissed, i just left. as soon as the conversation took a pause, i grabbed a cookie and slipped out the door.

i learned something today. actually, i learned a few things. i love brown’s open policy. if it was not for my buddhism class, i would be absolutely off my rocker right now. i also realized that i do not want to major in religious studies. the topics intrigue me but this university does not have the quantity of profs for me to major happily. i love what i am doing and i will continue to do it.. but i don’t care for the brown religious studies department- it is not me. that was my lesson of the day. now back to my frustrations with cs31..

ok, so i had a _complete_ mental breakdown last nite – 100% crashed, on the floor bawling, uncontrollable hysteria, hyper-confusion, hyper-furstraion, anger, annoyance, loss of any contral whatsoever – complete breakdown.
so, it was 12 o’clock and i was working on riscque, my current cs31 assignment. it was the only time that i could meet with someone to discuss my frustration and confusion, to be set straight so i could start the assignment. all i wanted to do was go to sleep so that i could wake up for morning meditation. it was the one thing that i wanted to do. but as i watched the clock tick minutes and my confusion grow, i realized that i would not be in bed in time to get up… (i have found meditation futile with less than four hours of sleep).

as i was trying to understand the assignment, thought os the weekend seeped into my brain. [what a wonderful friday with the monks!] [you spent all of saturday doing cs51!] [fire and water was soooo cool and relazing] [today was stressful- all day in teh CIT and it was such a beautiful day out] [why are you doing this anyhow?] [you are not enjoying this!] [you have sleep class tomorrow and have not done any of the reading!] [idiot! when is the last time you did any reading for sleep?] [or for classics? you got an “a” on a paper without doing any reading!] [classics reading is fun but you don’t have time for it!] [you have been skipping exercise on a regular basis lately!] [where is all your time going?] [COMPUTER SCIENCE CLASSES!!!!!!] [the only thing that keeps you sane is your buddhism class – not the readings but the practice] [but computer science is eliminating all time for practice and reading] [your life revolves around computer science!] [why? you are not enjoying it!] [what aobut cs32? you won’t make it thru that class – your wrists will give way!] [if you get thru that class, it will be all good, you would be home free…] [but if your hands crash, it will be the final time – you will never be able to do anything with your hands again – look at todd!] [but your mother will kill you if you drop it! it is your only worthwhile interest!] [but your life will be ruined by it] [but there is no way of getting around it. you have eliminated everything in your life to be able to do it – just get thru that one class!] [but what if? why? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH]

and i lost it.. my mind exploded. i was so frustrated, so confused and so angry that i had to make this choice. i was trying to figure out what i loved about it anymore and the only thing that came to mind was cs15. i loved that course, for all the glitz and the glamor! it was fun, caught my interest and intrigued me. but i have not enjoyed anything beyond that. 16 was fun. 22 was horrid. teaching cs4 and cs15 was an absolute delight. the people are terrible. the hours are horrid. the pain is unbearable. and why? my hands hurt now! why?? and i couldn’t hold it in… i made friends with my only privacy – the bathroom.

curled up in the corner below the window, next to the tub, face in one hand, roll of toilet paper in the other, i let the tears stream down my face in agony. i cried, i bawled… hysteria set in and i could not control it. all i wanted was a panacea to this whole big problem – the problem of where my life is going? the problem of what am i doing? the problem of why?

stuck in that level of insanity, i did not know where to go… the only person i wanted to talk with was my mommy… it was 3am or so. jon came in, hugged me but had no idea how to help me. i had no idea how he could. i made up my mind to call my mom…

i tried to calm myself down as i headed downstairs towards the phone. luckily no one was home so i crept into the living room, put on someone’s sweater which lay in the middle of the floor and curled myself in a ball on the black fancy couch. i picked up the phone. it rang three times and ryan picked up. i know he was confused… he got mom and once i heard her voice, i lost it again.

Well, she calmed me down and we started talking. her voice is so soothing. i spilled my brain, telling her all my frustrations with cs and with my work and with where i am going, etc. she started asking questions.

how are you feeling about your house? i love it – i love coming home to it, it makes me so happy! but i am so jealous when i look outside the CIT and see my housemates reading or relaxing, playing music or doing art on the front porch. i want to be home more. if i had time to read, i could do it at home… but i don’t… hmmm…

how is jon? one other good thing in my life! i feel so good around him. i chuckled and we talked about how i could never imagine breaking up with him and how everything is perfect and whatnot. how are your friends for the most part, everything is fine. xxx is super-hyper about everything and i never see her. somehow, i don’t think we are on the same wavelength about everything. that is frustrating. she is constantly annoyed at me but does not tell me why. and she always bites my head off for no reason. xxx is really good although i never see her either since she has too much to do all the time. my housemates rock. jon rocks. all that is good…

actually, the only thing right now in my life that is going terribly wrong is computer science and my fear of cs32 and the amount of time i spend dealing with cs!

are you enjoying taing? again, i love it. i love teaching. i love the lightbulbs.

but it is cs. but it is the glitz and glory class. yeah, it was hard but it was fun and the results were cool and the class was exciting!

how are the people going in cs? it’s at the whatever stage. i can cope with them. they don’t impact my life much except to keep reminding me that i don’t belong here. sad part is they are probably right.

what about san francisco and your exciement about working there? yeah, i am still psyched to do that but i can’t do that if my hands crash in 32 and i can’t do it if i don’t take 32. it’s a catch-22.

what do you like about your current classes? 51 is models of computation. i don’t know if i like the material. since i don’t understand the material as presented in class and the book is written by the same professor so it makes the same lack of sense to me. i love scheme, the language, but i don’t understand what i am supposed to do in scheme. when someone explains the concept, the programming is easy. the homeworks are impossible since i don’t understand the material. cs31 is a different story – the material is interesting, the class is interesting, but the work takes too much time – there is always more than one assignment out and the result of everything i do is that i don’t apparently understand the material. i thought i understood what we were doing, but the exam did not test any of that. in fact, the only result i got out of the exam is “ha ha, we know more than you!” and it pissed me off. our exam did not test anything we learned. as a result, it makes the class miserable. constant negative feedback does not encourage me. it utterly discourages me. and the prof decided that the class is too easy so he is adding a hard core program to the end of the semester – a compiler! i don’t understand a compiler and i am not accustomed to writing that much code! what am i going to do? i thought this class would reexcite me about cs since i found the material interesting but to no avail.

and they want to attract people! that is the big problem with computer science. courses are hard and they like em hard. pascal, the teacher of 31 said on the first day of cs31 that the class is too easy and that he wants to make it harder. no one wants to make the classes easier. they want it to be a more exclusive club. classes that are hard stay hard (or try to get harder). classes that are easy get hard. i expected that cs31 would be pretty simple but the prof does not want that. in fact, the average on the midterm exam was in the 40s! mom, remember a teacher can make the class hard- the tas are the graders and the people that hold hours, etc. the problem with computer science is that it implements the snowball theorem- always keep making it harder!

What things related to CS do you like?

teaching
HTML & web stuff
unix
programming on my own terms
I just don’t think I can cope with the bullshit of majoring… it doesn’t really relate to what i like… another friend of mine dropped cs on friday because of this…
but if you do cs, won’t that help you with what you like?
assuming i can get through cs

don’t you only have one or two classes left? 3 – cs32 and two classes of my choice… but cs32 stands in my way…

what do you want to study? and being a buddhist monk is out! why? being a monk (actually nun) is the only thing that sounds interesting right now! i am not paying $30,000 a year for you to be a nun! besides, do you really want to give up everything? mom, buddhist nuns can be married and have kids. regardless… fine! but i have no idea what i want to study! if i did, i would be studying it!

danah, what do you want? i don’t have a solution for you! i know… i just needed someone to talk to… i need to take time off and get away from here.

you can’t quit. in 6 months, your loans will kick in. you have a responsibility to yourself and to me. when you started, you knew that. when i started, i thought i knew what i wanted. i was wrong. and i just want to take a pause

danah, you can’t quit and you can’t pause… that is what the summer is for. you have been miserable since you have been at Brown. first it was your roommate, then your hands, then the cs boys, now this. what do you want? I DON’T KNOW! but i can’t handle this anymore. [breakdown]

discussion continued… we talked about possible majors and whatnot. i had no clue what i wanted. all i knew was that my life is completely out of control. i don’t know what the direction is that i should take, where i should go or what to do.

we agreed that a solution could not be reached tonight and started talking about next semester. mentioned that the one thing that i really wanted to do was coordinate BACH and we agreed that that is a bad idea. my life is too out-of-whack for that to be feasible or even reasonable. being responsible for other people is stupid when i don’t know how to be responsible for me…

what a mess! still confused and frustrated, we acknowledged that a decision could not be made any time soon and that i just need to figure something out…

so we said goodnight and i went upstairs. i didn’t want to be touched or anything. my hands hurt so i just went to bed. hours later, i should have gotten up for class but i had no desire. i was too burnt. so i didn’t. and i didn’t get up for exercise. i just stayed curled up in my ball avoiding the world happily.

when zephyr finally woke me, i took a relaxing shower and went back to my room. dan and i started talking about the previous night. he had no advice so we started talking about the one aspect of cs that i currently enjoy – teaching. he asked why i didn’t just go off and teach cs in high school. in many ways, he’s right – i would love it but if and only if my students wanted to learn… i don’t know how to teach people that don’t want to learn. and could i cope with the politics of education? my experience was so miserable… regardless, it is an interesting option… so my miserable night ended…

i am peeved. i just sat through an hour and a half of two tas yelling at each other over what the correct answer. this would be perfectly acceptable if it wasn’t a class where i have a midterm in two days, don’t understand one word of what is going on and this was the help session. so, confused and frustrated i started to think…
why am i in cs? yeah, i enjoy programming; it is fun. i don’t even know if i want to do it for the rest of my life and the classes that i have to take confuse me more than help me. i don’t understand what i am doing and i spend more time on those activities than on anything else. most of the computer science classes should be the only thing that you do that semester for the amount of time that it takes up. shu had one good point the other day: computer science warps your idea of “long time.” someone tells me that something will take a lot of time so i think 30/40 hours and they thing 8/10 hours. weird.

doesn’t it seem pointless? i am just so confused and i feel like i am wandering with no direction and that that is bad. i am failing exams (even though everyone else is, it is frustrating). yeah, i can let it go but isn’t that a problem? i am letting everything go so now i am more confused. argh! frustration!

i have a question in my mind: what are my priorities?
just in the simplest, should i get up at 6:30 am for meditation when i went to bed at 2 or should i make my own meditation time that fits my schedule? what is the advantage of doing 6:30 am meditations on non-mwf days? quite often due to committments it is not possible to go to bed early- if i could, i would gladly get up but i feel that i am depriving myself when i don’t sleep in order to meditate. maybe i am wrong or have a bad attitude, but that is where i am uncertain. regardless, it bothers me…

and what about other things? zen readings say that one should not forget meditation in order to do something else. well, this is my frustration. quite often i feel responsibility to that something else and would like to do it. i have found that it is better for me to skip that timed meditation and do what i need to do in the “real world” with a meditative mind. my life is going so much smoother now, not because i meditate at 6:30 am but because i apply that mentality to my daily rituals. for example, last nite… i love cooking but quite often it can be such a drag. you cook for many many hours, build up a sweat, smell and don’t get much else done. often my mind starts to view it as a chore. but, with a clear mind (cook after meditate), cooking is an enjoyable venture- building something with your hands and relaxing after the day. same with most chores. now, if only i could get that view when doing school work…

what an enjoyable, exhilerating evening! a few weeks back, i extended an offer to hyon gak sunim to come to finlandia and experience what our coop was like- dinner and everything. last nite he came. the house got super-excited and cleaned! well, at least as much as is possible when you are dealing with a coop. john and i made veggie pad thai. well, that was all we were going to make until we looked outside the kitchen at 6:50 and saw 30 some odd people (many new faces) who heard about the monks and were excited to hear them speak! so, we all rushed and threw together some couscous and tofu and veggies and whatnot… all was good.
the monks came (hyun gak sunim and hyon moon) and seemed delighted by our atmosphere (and we were excited to have them there!) everyone ate lots of food (to the point where tummies were overfull). questions went both ways- housemates asked about zen, monks asked about house, both groups discussed zen and philosophy. hyon gak sunim entertained everyone with stories of how many buddhist/zen people got involved thru illicit drugs and how they got their master to explore it (his only thoughts were: same as always, nothing different even after 4.5 hits of acid). the coop was rolling on the floor. both monks told stories for hours and the coop responded with joy!

then there was zephyr. we have this 6 month old mut of a dog who is precious. zephyr is always around and is the most friendly of all dogs alive. the monks loved him and he loved the monks. they were so overjoyed by showing his zen nature to others and playing with him, wishing the zen center could have a dog.

after the meal, we gave the monks a tour of the house and hyon gak sunim and i discussed the possibility of a zen cooperative. they were impressed with the similarities between their atmosphere and ours and we were impressed just talking with them. the final laughter of the evening was when hyon moon (who is not fully comfortable with english) blurted out “what are pot heads?” after seeing the wall. we lost it and hyon gak sunim had to explain…

the nite went so well. i walked out of the house afterwards with such a large smile on my face. shu and i went on to fire and water where i was just at peace with myself. i went to bed smiling….

what a terrible day yesterday! what a great day! i had two exams yesterday. normally i get myself all worked up and annoyed about them. i knew that i would not ace either one of them but that was not the problem. well, i woke up early morning, went to meditation (no prostrations since my wrists are SHOT) and then home. i ate, enjoyed the morning air, went to class, and then relaxed (trying really hard to make my hands happier). i went into the first exam 100% relaxed and the only thing that annoyed me the whole way through was my wrists (they really are pissed off right now…). while i was “thinking” through a problem (ie: needed to clear my mind to deal with it), i said the prajna paramita mantra to myself quietly:
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
it worked and i left the exam with pained hands but a clear mind. i entered the next exam with the same mentality. although i may not have aced either exam (actually i know that i did not come close), it did not matter since my mind was clear about both.
the rest of the evening was spent happily helping cs15 students and reading kaye. what a great day!

hyon gak sunim spoke again at the zen meeting! oh what fun! i really feel in touch with him, understand what he is saying and am intrigued by his mannerisms. to make matters far better, i had an amazing sit. i was at first worried about all the noise that the people downstairs were making- clammoring around and whatnot but it was no problem. i sat, focused on my breething and was in touch. only a few seconds of pain even entered my mind (this is good for me…). although, i did get figedgety during his talk… too much food in my tummy, i tell you! cooked all day for social gathering of tas.. yumptious food! this week will be a challenge but i am looking forward to it. and hyon gak sunim is coming to dinner on friday! so me go work.. and off to the grading and thinking

what fun! what a break! what a relaxation! jon and i went to his home this weekend for a great time of relaxation and peacefulness. we went pumpkin picking, watched the stars and otherwise enjoyed the outdoors. it was great fun and a chance to get away from reality.
we left for his place shortly following seeing the movie, seven years in tibet on friday. all the way up, we had a magnificant discussion about tibet and buddhism and religion. it has always been a sorta sticky subject between the two of us since jon is not particularly religious and i am but the discussion was positive. we discussed how he felt the first time that he went to christian group and the first time that he went to meditation (that morning that i vowed he hated every minute of it- he actually enjoyed it because he did not feel left out like he did as one who did not believe in christ; rather he felt as though those who understood zen and those who did not were on one level). the talk was exhilerating and we discussed what i knew of buddhism and zen and how it is not intellectual but yet welcomes thought. jon mentionned that one of the reasons that zen and buddhism interested him is because they don’t require you to believe in something that may or may not exist, that the only thing you have to believe in is the power of your own mind and your self. talking with him about such topics absolutely thrilled me! so that was my good weekend…

when hyon gak sunim spoke to the zen group many nites ago, he mentionned a trip that he had taken to the south, home of the bible belt. he mentionned that many christians did not understand what he spoke about- what compassion meant, how to listen and how to absorb. some people called the master blasphemous and said that he would rot in hell.
then, when i saw seven years in tibet, i saw chinese devastate the tibetans for no good reason. even when the chinese visited the tibetans, they ruined the sand painting and noted that religion is poison.

why? i don’t understand why religion infuriates people so much? yes, the crusades were fought over religion and many people die in the name of god. i can see why groups are pissed at such religious people. by why the tibetans? or the buddhists? what have they done for others to be so infuriated by them? why do christians despise buddhists? or more particlarly, those practicing zen? none of zen’s views even conflict with christianity yet it is a threat?

as far as i can tell, zen buddhism does not cause a threat to any other religion. in many ways, it would be an excellent enrichment to most western religions. but, like one western religion views another, western religions view zen as a threat and a blasphemy. but what is blasphemy? i always thought that it was something against god… i don’t see zen as beeing against god, rather pro-you. if you want to use god as one of your “toys,” go for it- it may help you. maybe that’s the problem- god should not be a toy… i guess christianity allows you to reach nirvana without anything but belief… religion confuses me…

i had the most amazing experience tonite- one of those experiences that keeps a smile on your face and gets your heart pounding and fills your body with chills of excitement. having gotten into a pattern of attending meditations and monday dharma talks, i happily walked over to manning chapel last nite at 8 with shoe. we arrived and the schedule went as normal. we sat for a half hour and it was one of my best sits ever. i enjoyed every minute of it and i did not struggle too much to stay awake or keep my mind off of things. i was able to successfully breathe out the thoughts that entered my mind. it was such a relief after some of my more horrid sits (especially that morning at 6:30 am meditation). after the meditation, the abbott of the providence zen center gave the dharma talk. what an experience!
he began his talk mentionning his recent trip. he had just gotten back from wake forest, explaining to students what zen is and why it is important. being in the heart of the bible belt, many people treated him as a blasphemous idiot. even in the classroom, students tried to intellectualize what he was saying, opening their websites to definitions of dharma rather than hearing his words. even on the way back from north carolina, the man next to him (coming back from a meeting with billy graham) was ashamed to show his interest in the master’s words (filled with references to the bible after having studied it to talk to the people in north carolina). no matter what story people tell me, bringing it to reality is so much more concrete for me and i greatly appreciated his tale.

questions began and one student asked such a great question: if you should not be attached to anything, why are there robes and statues and rituals and beads, etc that all zen students use? “toys.” he said that all of the silly frilly objects that are associated with practicing zen are just toys for zen students. he explained a story where children are trapped inside a burning building, engrossed with the current toy and their parents get them out by putting a million better toys in a cart on the outside and saying, “hey come look at these toys” and the children rush out. the same thing hold for buddhism- any way that you can relieve yourself of suffering should be done. that is what buddha says.

and he continued on to tell other stories and explain other things but it was not just his words that made him special- the stories are not all original. it was the way he told them. armed with a mastery of the english language and a great wit, he was so enjoyable to hear. and he glowed.

after thanking him tonite, we started talking. apparently he is interested in setting up a cooperative of sorts which would house zen students and be a location on the east side for meditation practice. my eyes exploded- more than anything else, i would like to be a part of that. i would even be willing to deal with the consequences from my mother (oh boy!). that is what i want to do- i want to live in a fashion that is not counterproductive to my philosophy and thoughts. i want to be able to explore my self with others and learn on that level. i was so overjoyed at the thought. i offered to help him so hopefully we can work something out where that can be done…

if only…

…………

from the morning…

i went to morning meditation again this morning. shoe did not come but kate did (thank goodness she woke me up because my roommate turned off my alarm). although the 108 bows are rather helpful, the feeling in my hands are not; it is not regular pain but rather the result of my carpal tunnel.. i need to learn how to bow without that pain because i know that it will only get worse.. the chanting was ecstatic- boy do i love chanting! i may sound miserable and i may not be able to carry a tune to save my life and i may say the words all funny but it harmonizes me with the world and i love that feeling. then there was the 30 minute meditation.. why was today so bad? i felt so sick, halfway thru i thought that i was bound to pass out- my stomach all flushed and frustrated and my body aching for no reason. i kept with it though- trying to ignore the agony which unfortunately did not work. my body thanked claire when she finally hit the sticks. why was that meditation so bad? i hope that tonite is far better!