it finally hit me: my best friend is gone. well, he may be my best friend but i am not his; i am not his priority or where he thinks to go when he has a problem. he has found a replacement in his current relationship and that hurts so badly. the funny thing is that while i have fallen in love with him again, he has moved beyond me. i feel as though i am reaching out into nowhere land, reaching out for someone that will never again be there for me. and the loneliness seeps in once again. it was so hard to watch as his new lover knew all my stories, all of our “personal” experiences. it hurt, not because i was angry with her but because i was angry with myself. i feel as though i failed, failed to maintain the most important relationship in my life, failed to hold on to the one person who could make me smile no matter how bad the day was. and the realization that it was my failure, my inability to be stable that drove him away. and this only makes me less stable. so i am awaiting the phone call from the depression clinic, knowing that i need help. and i am angry, angry with him for not making me aware of the reality that this is no longer temporary but permanent.. when we broke it off in december, the idea was that we were going to be explore our own lives, check things out, etc.. well, he moved on completely and i did not. and now i am alone, and in pain, hurting so deeply that i wonder why i am here any more… wondering what the next step for survival is, worried that i won’t make it there. so i start to surf ani and the first two songs that i see don’t help a whole lot…

then, oh its so ironic / here’s this girl with all her friends / sitting in such solitude / trying desperately to mend / and suddenly the four walls are closing in around / the daily defenses are all falling down. / what are you gonna do / you are living all alone / there’s no place to go out / and no reason to come home. (no reason to come home)

or this little war, about realizing that you feel possession….

funny thing is that my car is all packed up and i am ready to camp out or travel but i don’t know where to go, don’t have a place of my own anywhere in this world…

and i need to learn that i am alone, but i honestly don’t know if i am capable. for the first time in my life, i am genuinely scared, scared of what this all means…