you’d think i’d have learned by now… and revised accordingly. but no, i haven’t and i only do things that make the world more and more painful. what the hell am i talking about? computer science.. oh computer science. i realize over and over again that i like cs in theory, but not in practice. here i am, on the computer, about to cry from frustration and completely lost. my coding capabilities are lost somewhere in the dark, off in wonder wonder land… not only that, but i am quickly learning that i don’t know how to learn cs. y’see.. it is a lot like math. when it is spoon fed, it makes so much sense to me. someone teaches it, i get it and i can roll with it for quite a while. but when i lose it, or it disappears from my mind, returning is impossible because i don’t know how to learn the material on my own. so i am lost, and frustrated, and confused. as a result, i end up hating coding and want less and less to do with it. i feel like i am going to be not only a graduate-school failure but an embarrassment… because i would not be accepted based on my general knowledge of other things, but about some mystical ability that i have to code… and i don’t have that ability. it is embarrassing.. i can’t even create a script to parse/analyze information. how depressing is that? and i am sitting, staring at lex/yacc information and only getting more frustrated and confused and uncertain of what i should be doing. and it is depressing.

then it makes me wonder what the hell i learned at school. i mean, if i spent four years doing cs, and i can forget it in less than 6 months, did i learn a goddamn thing? how aweful is that? four years at an ivy league institution, passing through classes by ‘hacking mad code’ only to realize that i am completely incompetent at that area, don’t even like doing it, etc. so, i have a degree in something that i despise and can’t do anyway and no real desire to do anything else. it makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. i swear that the only thing i would be capable of actually doing is being a prostitute.

should i even consider graduate school or is it going to be such an embarrassment? i mean, i know that it is not a pure cs place but i fear that it will be super embarrassing all the same.. i mean, i really cannot code at all. and i think back to when i was coding and working on it this past summer, and i was asking questions of my friends all the time because i didn’t remember a goddamn thing. oh goddess do i feel stupid and ridiculous and a lot of terrible terrible things…