it’s funny… there is a party here but i don’t know anyone and don’t feel social enough to deal.. so i am sitting in my room, on my computer just being a dork. it has been an interesting first week of classes.. and the funny thing is that i am getting super close to one of my housemates.. our attitude about things is so identical – we are both far less interested in partying and far more in doing shit and _chilling out_. funny funny .. but she wants me to live with her and i think that is a great idea.. i would love to live with her!

so my week has been filled with bullshit. i got off of effexor, a crazy drug last semester and i was quite happily chilling without it, except for the adhd.. so i tried to go see a doctor and get on ritalin.. it seemed like a logical idea.. but the problem is that to get on ritalin, i need to take tests to prove that i really need it, that i really have adhd. but those tests are $1200 and the cost or ritalin is already quite high. i can get it for almost half the cost just by buying it on the black market. how retarded is that? i find it to be super super ridiculous and don’t know quite how to deal. dumb dumb dumb. so i am now buying it illegally – yeck. stupid shit.

school started and i got into the classes that i really wanted – taking hypertext and artist machine (electronics and mechanics for artists) and am super psyched about that. so it was cool. i walked into hypertext 45 minutes late (i was shopping another course) and the professor interrupted and went “ so glad to see you!!!” and then proceeded to ask questions of me regarding everything that i knew anything of.. it was so funny! he wanted me to take the class because it is good bookends to my time at brown. tehehehe. so that is cool… and he is letting me work on one project for both classes – so good!

and vday is going pretty good… well, chaotic but i got tracy chapman! but there is still chaos

i am cold and depressed. actually, i think that they are probably very interrelated.. i mean, when i am cold, i am always depressed. i want to have a home, a place where i feel like i can go to and be comfortable and safe.. but because of the temperature in my house that is not possible. it is too cold for me to be comfortable.. and we pay $400 in gas a month and it never goes over 60 degrees. i can’t handle it at all. it is a huge problem. and it makes me want to stay in bed and not leave. and it is soo cold. and i am so not happy. and i haven’t been eating.. which is not helping anything except maybe my fat reserves and my pocket (the latter being a primary reason for not eating). see, i have been eating in social spaces.. as per normal… looking normal and healthy and blah but not feeling so normal and healthy. i haven’t started on vitamins yet because i haven’t eaten more than one meal a day. i have spent all my food money for this week on extra layers of warm clothing and i will spend next weeks on a new heater in the hopes that i can at least stay warm. it is so depressing to be constantly freezing. at least i have gotten over being hungry.. like my body isn’t hungry but it sure as fuck is cold.

i think i was less depressed when i was psyched for one of my friends to come back. he’s been outta communication for over a week and i had been waiting for him to come back and i sorta expected for him to come and crash with me and tell me fun stories and blah blah blah.. but he got back and dropped an email and i called and he was blah and going to bed and i asked if he wanted to come chill for a bit and he didn’t.. so, sad, went to bed alone.. then i messaged him this morning and more blah blah blah whatever crap. i need to get out of relationships that make me feel more lonely. i think it is healthier not to have up/down relationships than ones that make me sad 1/2 of the time. but yet, i also know that i won’t be able to get out of it cause i am a putz like that. i thrive on mixed message relationships. erg. and it makes me so angry.

thankfully the sarah doyle women’s center gave me a key and told me that i can come whenever. i think i am going to have to spend a lot of time at the sdwc cause otherwise i will end up at the cit all the time .. and that is bad. or else! maybe i can go and spend time at the rock; i have never been there before! (except nekkid with donuts) alas…. so depressing.

i think i am going to be sick. do you know that feeling that comes over you when an emotional feeling takes control of your physical self? well, it is in full force.

i don’t know if it is a part of who i am or what i think but i have always thought that i was genuinely crazy; i always wondered when i would end up in the hospital, adoring the movies, loving the book stories of being crazy. it just made sense to me. and i always questions my motives to start with, wondering if what i was doing was motivated by something else, someone else, spite. but anyway…

part of me wants to be sane, and the other doesn’t really… i just wonder when i will stop running and what will happen then. do i do pressure? in a weird fucked up way.. and only some times. i want to be alone and i despise it all the time, addiction to socialization, adicted to instability. love of what? nonsense. i like trouble.

so, the part wanting to be sane has ordered vitamins, vowed to exercise, promised to take control. but the stupid & insane part has done a few more things. i mean, we (that part pushing me), broke up with my lover, spends outta control, engages in constant seek of sex, and goes to see a fucked up movie for “fun”.

the book reminded of myself, understanding the character, realizing who i am, engaging. and the other part faught. while the movie was not the book, it took me to a time, an emotional state without remembering the details of the book. and so i am stoned, confused and frustrated.. knowing that i don’t have control as much as i pretend. if i stop, i will fall and i don’t know how to do that.. so i run.

so the character in the book – susanna.. well, you get this impression that she is not really insane, just not entirely together. she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a common “disease” for anyone they can’t classify.. and i definitely fit into the definition:

1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7) chronic feelings of emptiness

8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms

but if everyone has this, why don’t i feel like everyone feels like i do.. i feel like shit

you’d think i’d have learned by now… and revised accordingly. but no, i haven’t and i only do things that make the world more and more painful. what the hell am i talking about? computer science.. oh computer science. i realize over and over again that i like cs in theory, but not in practice. here i am, on the computer, about to cry from frustration and completely lost. my coding capabilities are lost somewhere in the dark, off in wonder wonder land… not only that, but i am quickly learning that i don’t know how to learn cs. y’see.. it is a lot like math. when it is spoon fed, it makes so much sense to me. someone teaches it, i get it and i can roll with it for quite a while. but when i lose it, or it disappears from my mind, returning is impossible because i don’t know how to learn the material on my own. so i am lost, and frustrated, and confused. as a result, i end up hating coding and want less and less to do with it. i feel like i am going to be not only a graduate-school failure but an embarrassment… because i would not be accepted based on my general knowledge of other things, but about some mystical ability that i have to code… and i don’t have that ability. it is embarrassing.. i can’t even create a script to parse/analyze information. how depressing is that? and i am sitting, staring at lex/yacc information and only getting more frustrated and confused and uncertain of what i should be doing. and it is depressing.

then it makes me wonder what the hell i learned at school. i mean, if i spent four years doing cs, and i can forget it in less than 6 months, did i learn a goddamn thing? how aweful is that? four years at an ivy league institution, passing through classes by ‘hacking mad code’ only to realize that i am completely incompetent at that area, don’t even like doing it, etc. so, i have a degree in something that i despise and can’t do anyway and no real desire to do anything else. it makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. i swear that the only thing i would be capable of actually doing is being a prostitute.

should i even consider graduate school or is it going to be such an embarrassment? i mean, i know that it is not a pure cs place but i fear that it will be super embarrassing all the same.. i mean, i really cannot code at all. and i think back to when i was coding and working on it this past summer, and i was asking questions of my friends all the time because i didn’t remember a goddamn thing. oh goddess do i feel stupid and ridiculous and a lot of terrible terrible things…

a friend today told me that i know myself pretty darn well and that has stuck in my head for quite some time. first, do i really know myself? to what degree can one know oneself? and why do i get this gutteral feeling that this is a curse of intelligence.. tonite, i went and saw american movie this evening – made me realize how lucky i am to have been born, raised, etc in an educated community. middle america genuinely scares me. but back to the question – do i know myself and if so in what ways?

i am most sure of myself as a sexual being. it is definitely the area that i am most confident but i cannot determine when that started. i mean, i have almost developed an ego re: my sexual capabilities. and i don’t know if i am actually proud of that. especially when i am uncertain on other fronts, that is a front that i feel safe. egads: who am i??

i know that i don’t deal well with loneliness. well, noone deals well with actual loneliness because the word implies that pit in your stomach where everything seems wrong.. but i also don’t deal well with actual social loneliness – not being around people. y’see.. being around people makes me forget any pain i might be encountering or any confusion that i have. thus, i thrive on it. scary, eh? if i don’t have people around, i get completely batty… hmm.. ok.. enough self-analysis.. i should work.

well, i am back at home after some fun and adventure in san francisco. i went there to be with my (now ex) partner and in many ways it was a good thing but in other ways, i could have done without the experience.

the thing is that i still adore my ex, at least in my head… there is just this tension between us and it doesn’t feel quite right. i have yet to figure out how to express the emotions that i am having with regard to this situation and it is kinda frustrating that way; i just want to understand what the fuck is going on and why i feel like i do. doesn’t make sense does it? sure as hell doesn’t for me…

but the actual trip was quite fun and silly.. i spent time shopping (always fun) and now have some mighty kickass sex toys! plus a few good clothes. i took a friend drag shopping and that was kickass. plus, i got my ex a suit at macy’s.. suit shopping is cool! i also spent a great deal of time with a friend of yore. we applied to graduate school together and i sure as hell hope that we manage to get in- it would just be too fucking cool…

i did come back home early though, mostly because of work but also because it was just strange to be there and a part of this life that was not mine. that is quite peculiar.. i don’t feel _comfortable_ with the situation. erg.

i did have an amazing interview with microsquish. who would have guessed?? it was the best interview i have ever had.. i got to design microsoft word for kids in the interview and it was fun!

erg.. mental confusion.

what a strange and funny nite… so i went out with some women-loving friends of my san francisco friends. i say women-loving because neither identifies completely as a lesbian and one is particularly waffling between straight and bisexual. still, quite fun.. went to an all women’s space where there were guys there but all the same, it was quite fun and humorous. some gorgeous women were there and i was definitely oogling one! plus, all different types of people which was super cool. has a grand time at the party, just watching and observing, remembering all that i had forgotten…

like lesbian drama – club-based, who is ex-girfriends of who and therefore cannot talk to new ex-girlfriend’s best friend of whoever.. egads!

like the fact that lesbians can take pride a bit too far.. so, you aren’t GAY???? then why the fuck are you here?

like the reality that not everywhere in the world is appreciative of the culture that i come from that i am.. i like education, i value it. i don’t ask someone if they are smart… some of it is just “normal” or doesn’t matter.. but i guess it does to some.. makes me realize another privilege.

like my observation that the bay area should be a sci-fi novel. anger management classes for those who are reckless drivers? photographing cars going through red-lights and then sending tickets in the bulk? a pacific bell stadium? $20 covers on a regular friday night? billboards with statements like “paper is passe; online flyers” (and no one blinks at that)??

that people put true importance in metaphysics symbols as determinents for dating and for friends?

that combinations of vitamins can cause great highs…

i idealize too much.. and i think that things that i recognize in other people are because i recognize them in myself.. and therefore i wonder what i don’t see in myself, what others can teach me and show me. there is so much out there that i don’t understand or don’t know about.. how can i get at it?

and why is every element of my body constantly rotating who is tingling and numb? that is disconcerting…

so it wasn’t the type of new year’s that i was hoping.. i mean, i was hoping/planning/wanting to be in baja or someplace warm and exciting and chill.. and instead ended up at a party.. so it became like any other nite at a san francisco party… i guess it was fun but it was a bit disappointing. i did get to cuddle with a girlie which was cool but i just wished that it was all huge and fun filled with stories to remember…

i remember as a little girl, planning weddings with my best friend. she wanted the total june white wedding.. i wanted to get married on new year’s of 2000… throw a huge party. well, i am glad that did not happen (hell, don’t even believe in marriage any more and don’t have him anymore either!)… but still, i wanted some fun…

it was nice.. on the actual day of new year’s i got to sit in hot tubs with friends.. i love hot tubs and chilling… reminds me of the conferences…

anyhow.. not a lot to tell about the new year’s experience…