the last few days have been spent writing my final buddhism paper. (ok, so it has taken me more than just a few days… my writing WILL get better; determination is the key!) each nite, i have been reading school girls as a bedtime story. while reading mark’s comments on writing, i realized that i have always used the pronoun “he” when talking about a single non-gendered person. thinking back, i know this is because i always got in trouble for using “they” and “she” was never allowed in my formal writing classes. why? so as i was reading school girls, i also realized that even though i used “he,” the non-gendered character i envisioned had neither breasts nor penises. in addition, “it” never had hair. i firmly believe that this forcing of “he” only created a feeling within me emphasizing the super-importance as men, that they are the default sex. biologically, i know that is not true (as humans start out as women). how frustrating. i am determined to use “she” as much as possible now.
(Note: school girls is a non-fiction book about the confidence gap between men and women at puberty. it is an inside look at the difficulties that women experience and why they are so far behind men in many areas. it is a suberb book.)
last nite was an odd nite, my last nite of restfulness till i am done with all work. but it was a thinking nite. so much thinking that i could actually feel the pain in my brain. what an odd feeling. thoughts sped at a million miles a minute as we all wished we had a hypertextual tracker to keep track of each of the paths. certain things were constantly revisted: dan needs to get some; we need a hyptertextual tracker; what is thought? of course, we never did figure that one out but we ran thru philosophy as though we were reading Sophie’s World. even now, i don’t think that i could explain all that went thru my head so i am only going to transcribe the one passage that i managed to write down during my crazy thoughts…
there is an odd sort of reality that goes on with mind altering substances. each of us has a though in our mind. we follow that thought through and through without shit. i am doing it right now. you go and go and progress all of a sudden wham!!! a reality hits you and then in each one’s mind things fall off and hell, i cannot convince anyone of this since it is really hard to have a fluid thought… like he is disturbed that he is not a part of a converstiaon and that boggles him in hishead but the reality is that they are going off in a different trail.
weird constructions of reality.
like when he is talking now: great writers… total flow of odd augmented reality
my strange things: thinking how things will affect tomorrow, thinking about thinking.
a strange thought… when do you want to be a part of a conversation?
stop and reality just hits!
paths diverge and the path is ultimately interesting
ah.. solved… he gets to converse…
and it is so hard to make a point while here.. so hard to finish a thought and to say for sure this is reality
sociology.. where do these thoughts go? am thining about thinking…
we stop and make our points and go on with them until it bothers us…
yesterday i ran across a begger. he was standing on the side of the road with a sign saying “Homeless: need work.” it devastated me. every day at brown, i get to experience teenagers in pop-culture clothing begging for money for cigarrettes but this was different. as he passed, i could see that his boots were completely worn thru. he was about my mother’s age with a long grey beard and a sad and aged look on his face, standing in the cold. it broke my heart. i wanted to stop and honestly, had i been driving, i would have. what do you say or do for people less fortunate then you? why has the deceipt of this country forced me into automatically thinking that every begger justs wants money for drugs and alcohol? why has the frequence of this horrid site numbed me to it? i have no desire to give money to large organizations because i constantly hear that they are just making money off it themselves, rather than helping people. what can i do? my heart cries in anguish.
i have spent the last four days working on a puzzle of a wizard surrounded by windlings (little faeries). it is a difficult puzzle but my mind is enjoying it. not because it is the world’s hardest thing to do but because i have been able to have complete focus on it. for me it has been a sort of meditation, a working meditation of sorts and i have enjoyed it utterly. i forgot how great puzzles are…
i practiced formally today (first time of formal mediatation in a while). it felt odd. i don’t think my focus is strong; my mind still wanders terribly. i have decided that it is important to focus intensely on counting in my mediations. if i can focus on the counting, my mind will be clearer and that would be good. patience.
Shoe and I spoke at length tonite and an interesting thought appeared: “What is romantic language and how should one deal with it?” It is an interesting question in light of Buddhism. In Japan, monks who marry do not marry individuals they love; they love individuals they marry. In the West, people are obsessed with romantic love. So what is it and does it conflict with the idea of compassion- love everyone no matter who they are. The more I thought about it, the more this idea appeared:
Romantic love is when two individuals decide to share every aspect of their life together- emotions, sex, child rearing experiences, etc. Any two individuals could fall in love with one another (assuming that they accepted the idea of compassion and practiced it). Thus, the Japanese marry and develop the love. Westerners feel that they need to find the perfect person before they can marry. Less compassion exists amongst Westerners. Although any two individuals could love one another, often it is more desireable to find someone with similar interests.
Romantic love is not bad; it is one form of compassion. Regardless, it is very important to avoid attachment in a romantic relationship. Attachment can occur whenever dependence is formed. Expectations and dependence can only aggrevate any relationship and can only shatter love or create unhealthy attachments.
An odd thought for the day…
I created a group of New Year’s Goals and here they are:
– Not allow others to define my priorities and ruin my goals. I want to practice diligently and relax at my house without stress over computer science
– Develop patience skills, both with myself and others.
– Meet new people and strengthen my relationships with current friends. There is no reason that friendships should falter because of stress. Friends deserve more.
– Determine my priorities and devote 100% effort into each one. No overextension of any sort. Time should be allotted for:
— three meals per day including dinner AT HOME
— reading time
— calling home
– Save money. There is no reason to go into debt or spend more than $20 per week. One half of all money earned shall be saved for a rainy day.
– Write with vigor. Bland emails and half-worded thoughts plague my days