so it wasn’t the type of new year’s that i was hoping.. i mean, i was hoping/planning/wanting to be in baja or someplace warm and exciting and chill.. and instead ended up at a party.. so it became like any other nite at a san francisco party… i guess it was fun but it was a bit disappointing. i did get to cuddle with a girlie which was cool but i just wished that it was all huge and fun filled with stories to remember…

i remember as a little girl, planning weddings with my best friend. she wanted the total june white wedding.. i wanted to get married on new year’s of 2000… throw a huge party. well, i am glad that did not happen (hell, don’t even believe in marriage any more and don’t have him anymore either!)… but still, i wanted some fun…

it was nice.. on the actual day of new year’s i got to sit in hot tubs with friends.. i love hot tubs and chilling… reminds me of the conferences…

anyhow.. not a lot to tell about the new year’s experience…

boy do i feel like shit. and stupid at best. i am in california now, land of the overly rich and too-much-to-do crowd. i knew ahead of time that i could not economically keep up and i expected as much, planned accordingly. i didn’t want to come out for very long because i knew that i did not have enough time to work and make up for it. my ex had promised to pay for my expenditures out here because he wanted me out here. i didn’t feel comfortable with this idea and resolved in my head to pay for what i could but to try to keep things to a minimum. well, that hasn’t happened. i am already realizing how far into debt i am going and this morning mentionned this problem, needing to put a halt to the entire situation. i need to stop doing $20 dinners and i can’t afford to keep up on new year’s or other events. i am not making money but i am spending and that does not work well. and what did he say? he said that my asking for money made him resentful and not wanting to help. its funny because two weeks ago, he realized my predicament and now is completely forgetting.

so, this raises a question… next year? see, he suggested that i come out here and “relax” for a year before going back to grad school on the east coast. and i thought this sounded like an excellent plan. i really wanted to go to art school. when we were still together, i was going to live with him, go to art school and work part-time. i was going to get health insurance covered by him and borrow money when absolutely necessary (hopefully as little as possible). now i feel like i shouldn’t even come out here. i can’t afford to live here, i won’t have health insurance, car insurance. i don’t have money for my own rent and i can’t keep up with my friends life-style-wise. what is the point? i am not certain. i won’t be any more relaxed then when i came out here. because, either i need to work in industry and pay my own way to live out here or, if i go to art school, i will still need to work 3/4 time to pay for being out here. thus, no matter what i have to work, something i don’t want to do just yet.

AHHHHHHHHHH

we realized it. for good. its over, between the two of us.. it only makes sense.. we can’t even put on a show for the outside world, try to confuse ourselves through the eyes of others.. internally, emotionally, we both know and understand. it is a reality that neither of us want to accept but we need to, part of us that we don’t want to let reach into our souls and tear us apart.. but it has.. distance has made the difference, confused and dazed. but now we are learning to accept reality, a friendship that is tight as hell, no breaks. can i accept that? i need to.. and i am learning.

but what does the future lie in store?

i can feel my inards, wrapped around my self, folded inside-out, like and onion unpeeling itself backwards. pushing out my whole self, exposing my inside as my skin, enclosed and confused, peddling backwards, reaching for bortrayal. where is my mind, confused and disentangled, throwing puches towards the center, through the outside. composed and deflected, rocking unsaddlingly towards me. confused, at will.

pulsation looms, befriended and sickened… decisions go unfold into a more terribler reality. succumbed by idiocy and crashing as imploding, outwards. fucked if i’d know. rapsody.

—

decried as insane.

lunatic beneath the moon, only four days past, questioning the immediate without reaction. carvation, indention. collapse and pretend, relax and twist the candy-cane reality into a mesh.

and why? a/k, he told me, man on the moon; and i understood. breething to make a difference by undoing the creation of self, community, life. text.

—

repulsed by self, looking out, questioning the purpase when so much else needs to be done, questioning the self-reasoning, the belonging, the disengaged.

frazzled straight through, electictry perputually.

i fear that i am losing paitence with my family… and i don’t think that this is a good thing. i don’t really want to be losing patience with them because i do absolutely adore my family… in theory.

or maybe it is just that my mind is spinning on other things, disconnected and confused. but every little thing drives me insane. like the fact that my grandma never really hears what i am saying. or that my grandpa loves to show the same slides over and over and over again. or that my mother has to always have something to worry about, often at the expense of my sanity.. the little things drive me insane. and yet, i love them.

or is this the story of every family? i mean, if life is truly based on tv, i would vote that every family drives everyone in the family genuinely insane. and they bitch and scream on tv.. but that is a bad idea in reality. instead, i find myself being demure and chill as my mother once again asks how much weight i have gained (bam! to the self-esteem mind you). i walk away from the situation exhasted with my esteem frustrated and feeling guilty about the entire situation…

but i still love them…

maybe its true.. maybe the people who drive you insane the most are also the people you love the most.. and it al boils down to family!

i now understand her. i never thought it would make sense. finally, i am seeing so much of what she says many years later, now that i have gotten through the four years of pain that she guarenteed. how did she know and why do i miss her, even though she is not the person that i remember, not nearly as strong but very on her own.. so tough to understand under new light. what a strange journey of pain and confusion… still thinking of putting that on paper.

well, it has been a difficult point for me in my life… i have been doing a lot of thinking but at times it just doesn’t work so well. thus, how to explain to you, my subconscious, what the hell is going on.

well, he and i broke up. or, as i have been trying to tell my inner-self, he and i are taking a break, or reevaluating our relationship or whatever bullshit you can come up with. we broke up.

i go back and forth from being able to adequately handle this. when i think that i might have it under control, i break into auto-tears and become an emotional nitemare. i guess, the thing is that i don’t want to think that it is over, i don’t want to think that i failed at maintaining this relationship. no matter what anyone tells me, i am convinced that i failed somehow.

i mean, here we are, non-monogamous and having a great ole time and then it sneaks up on me.. this realization that we aren’t really together any more. why is that? would it have happened if we weren’t trying to see other people? is it a bad thing?

i know my attraction to women is getting out of hand these days, sorta forcing me to be repulsed by the physical representation that is man. but is this a reason to end a relationship? maybe it is.. but it is a hard realization for me to handle.. or not handle as the case actually is. erg. so difficult, so frustrating, so out of hand and confusing. what is wrong with the situation?

the thing is that i love him, probably more than i ever did.. i can’t imagine being closer to anyone, anyone making me feel more special in this world. so why the fuck did we break up? not like it isn’t my fault.. i mean, i have been thinking such thoughts for months, sorta in the back of my head, untapped because of the fear of what untapping might bring…

and yet i feel like a failure.

what an emotional time of the year.. i always think that i am not handling it until i look at my friends around me…

i just got a message from a friend who just got out of the mental institute… he can’t come back to school any more. it’s scary because there is a high probability that i won’t ever see him again, a high probability that he will lose it at one point kill himself. and i don’t know how to prevent that and that terrifies me.

and then another friend is a bit haywire in his own mind… and i feel at a loss of what to do and feel like i make things worse rather than better.

not being able to help friends who have completely lost it is quite scary, quite bothersome, quite disturbing. what to do? how to help? i don’t know if i can or if i should or what i could do… it is frightening, so frightening…. it almost makes me numb because i don’t know what else to do, what else to be. imagine.

ok, life went on hiatus for a while so, not surprisingly, so did the diary writing… but i am back, writing to a silly little online diary because i am lonely again. i don’t think that i could ever do well by myself alone – i think i would drive myself insane, possibly to my complete and utter detriment. i mean, maybe i would learn but it aches so badly…

i have a friend here who is quite content in his own world, quite comfortable in self-sustained life, life by himself. it absolutely dumfounds and amazes me because i am so incapable of living like that… you see, i need people around me, the sound of life, beings intertwined and mingling. i don’t like to sleep alone, i don’t like to be alone. i would rather be unproductive and with people that be by myself, although i admit i write more and do a lot more when i am alone. constant reminder to myself that i will not be the most productive individual in the world, but i can also accept that. so what does it mean that i cannot handle my own head? what am i afraid of? what pushes me to different places, makes me so depressed and confused and creates this aching feeling that i only know how to call loneliness?

i am (trying to) finish up the school year.. what a bi-a-tch. i am just not very motivated to be doing schoolwork right now, even though i should be, or at least need to be. i don’t know why but school just doesn’t feel right right now.. i guess i am not in the mood or something. but i just need to finish and get it overwith, as much as i am going to regret the rush later… i like school, i like learning, but right now i am just not handling it. that creates a stale reality – where you know you want to do what you are doing but you can’t mentally afford it. hrmmpft. i think that is why i can’t do cs grad school next year. i really do want to do it but i am just not in the mindset for it yet and if i go without being in the mindset, it will become a waste of time for both me and my prof. i am motivated to learn though.. which is why i am thinking of going to art school, as nutty as that seems!

it is funny how a semester sorta just runs past you and all of a sudden BAM! that was the end of it. well, i am sorta seeping towards the endline on this one yet everyone around me is done, complete and happy! so difficult.. but i partied with them last nite to indicate the beauty of finishing up, of getting to the end. two people that i adore and know well and two people that i barely know and i got together and had a flipping good time, complete with cuddling and comfort, lust and passion, happiness. it was quite intense and in so many good ways. i got to see the mental insides of this group in so many new interesting ways, interacting and playful. it was a good way to spend the evening and well worth the craziness to make it happen.

ok.. must motivate.. must work.

arrived in venice today after flying through de gaulle. somehow, i was just utterly confused about the entire process. but that is also me… i crashed pretty hard at the hotel upon arrival (figures) because i just preferred to sleep than to be tired and touring. besides, it was raining and i still don’t like rain. i listed to ani’s new album over and over again; i think i will have it memorized soon.

so i am spending large amounts of time with my partner for the first time since our big fight and i am starting to realize something about him. i think what drives me nuts about him is that he brings out so many things about me that i don’t like. for example, around him, i feel lazy and clueless, confused and disinterested, generally inadequate. i don’t know what about his presence does that to me but i recognize it more and more that this is what has been driving me nuts. what is it about his mannerisms, his way of action that makes me feel this way? i find it so peculiar, and quite disturbing within me.

so, we awoke at 7pm this time and decided to wander for food. we wandered for a long time, only finding snack shops and mc’ds and a really expensive restaurant. i started noticing how much i glared at the italian men and avoided their glaze. i think that italian men sketch me out in such a big way. part of me wants to look like a big dyke so that they will leave me alone but i am also afraid of the consequences of that decision. either way, i want to avoid the italian men. eek! i don’t get why i think they are so repulsive but they really really bother me… damn, all of my negatives are just seeping out of my pores!

so, my partner and i found a place to eat, a little caffeteria type place and we went in and got really good pizza and other foods. as we tried to pay, the lady kept trying to tell us something in italian but both of us looked sooo clueless. apparently, it was 1/2 off day if a boy brought a girl. and there i was, a girl, trying to pay for the two of us. to make matters worse, i tried to pay 10 times as much since these liras confuse the hell outa me. so, only hours into being in italy and i have to deal with machismo! i looked around and realized that not a single woman was there alone or with other women; they were all there with men! i don’t know if i am prepared to be in a male male male culture, as if mine is not.

so, strange days emerged and there are more to come, i am certain. for now, i think it is bedtime!