is it that foolish to expect that i should be able to get an academic education at an academic institution? i definitely set my expectations way too high for what i thought i would get out of the Lab, and it’s just disappointed me over and over again. that, plus the lack of support or kindness by faculty members. i feel as though i have bosses instead of teachers or advisors. i am treated like a 5 year old or an employee in a nasty hierarchical system, not valued for my opinon, punished for being too sick to attend class, treated as though i don’t choose to go here. i want to be a student; i want to learn; i want to do good work, but when i am treated with such disdain, i shut down… i just thought that an elite educational institution would be so different…

so at least i have a diagnosis now.. i can handle that. knowing that it’s cysts and that all i have to do is lay back, take my birth control pills and hope that it goes away in the next few weeks. it’s not much of a luxury, but at least i know what’s going on. the only prob is that this means not going out, not doing much of anything. i feel like a lump. and i can’t take concentration medication so i can’t really work much (sad, very sad).. so i am stuck at home, doing nothing, trying & failing to focus… but at least i know what’s going on…

some days, i genuinely wish i could just buy into that blind faith thing.. have blind faith in something, anything. and not just a substance, not something temporary. i want long term blind faith. i want a purpose in life. a religion maybe. i wanna wake up blissfully ignorant and go about my life in pursuit of the higher purpose. maybe blind faith in the idea that capitalism is good for all humans. or that God is the purpose to life. why can’t i just have some blind faith please? and it doesn’t come in a tab or a pill, nor in weekly therapy visits or avoidance. i think too much. i am my own disease.

i despise modern medicine; oh let me count the ways.

i decided to listen to others’ advice and seek out medical help for the blasting pain that i was feeling in my abdomin. for the umpteenth time in my medical career, i walked out of the hospital 14 hours later with thousands of dollars in debt and a kind diagnosis of “unknown cause”. i am ok with systematically being able to stump computer programmers as i crash their software, but i am not ok with constantly being able to stump the medical system. how about the time that i threw up continually for two days? or when i used to pass out randomly? unexplainable causes, immense tests, no success. irritating.

i thought that i had this one down pat. hell, i had every classic symptom of ovarian cysts – locational pain, bloating, nausea, hot/cold rushes, pain during penetration (including by me with my fingers). the pain had evolved over the last 6 weeks; i had my period twice; numbness had evolved in my legs and my bladder felt so much pressure that it always wanted to pee. school put me on UTI medication but that did nothing (not like i had the secondary characteristics for that anyhow). at the ER, had tons of different doctors, surgeons, nurses feel around my belly, put pressure on things, notice the bloating. in the internal examine, the doc said things felt peculiar and that there was definitely swelling. anal probes suggested that it was not a problem there. appendicitis specialists said it didn’t seem like that. ultrasound showed slight cysts on the other side, but non-related and _nothing_ on the right side. wtf? it would be one thing if i was imagining my symptoms all by myself but the doc noticed some of them. where do you go with this? what’s the next step?

i’m in pain, can’t walk comfortably, am unable to laugh without pain or otherwise cramp my muscles. but, the hospital couldn’t see anything wrong. so they discharged me with “unknown cause.” can’t wait to get the bill for this one, reminding me once again that there’s no point in seeking medical help.

is it possible to affect societal change? what does one need to do this? how does one avoid being just another cog in the system? it seems to me that the system is really well stabilized so that i either have to accept my fate as cog or suffer severe consequences of rebelling. i think that reading a lot of philosophy these days is depressing… i really appreciated one of my modernity texts stating that modern life is inherently depressing because we’ve taken away religion, we’ve restricted escape tools and yet we continue to point out that individuals have no power or control over their lives. plus, by stressing self-reflection, we only magnify this problem… maybe i should stop self-reflecting.

what is the definition of community? i think i totally pissed off a professor in one of my classes because i refused to buy into his definition; i refused to agree with a “social networks perspective.” but it gets me to think.. what is the definition of community?

ok.. once again, it’s time to worry about my future. ::sigh:: the market is currently shitty as hell. i am interviewing with one company in seattle (the company of trouble making companies). i can’t guarantee that i will get a job there but the probability is high. they wanted to hire me two years ago and i am applying for similar jobs with more education and knowledge so i would say that looks good. i haven’t bothered to interview with other companies. ideally, i would like to go to grad school for my PhD but i don’t know where or with whom i want to work so applying seems awefully silly. plus, i need to take the GREs now and i am not ready for that. and i can’t afford to do grad school without a stipend and that’s not ready, particularly since i don’t know what i want to do. so i think that getting a job makes a hell of a lot of sense. now, i would really like to live in San Francisco and hope to get a job there. but reality says that i want a stable job, a liveable income (that will even let me take a dent into my debt), health insurance and a reasonable job. i can probably get all of that in Seattle, but i don’t know about SF. if i pursue the job in Seattle, i will have two weeks post offer to accept or deny it. i don’t know what exists in SF and i am afraid to look right now because of the market. so then the question becomes…

do i try to go for the job in Seattle or do i hold off on it and pray that i will find something in SF?

ah.. parties are fun. every time i come back from a break of partying, i remember how much i adore it.. so, i went to NYC this weekend, did the danceydancey thing and just shook my booty for hours amongst good people in a weird place ($4 a bottle of water, no tap, no bathroom water.. grr..) one DJ spun “Give Peace a Chance” for 12 minutes at the Daylight Savings Time which made me quite happy, particularly amongst such an international crowd still so shook up from 9/11. i have also been having a fabulous time getting to know this small crew of folks up in Boston called the Hartley House.. very chill people. in particular, this one kid A reminds me of friends back home.. and it’s fun, a reality check to see the level of privilege i have managed to acquire over the years… damn that’s a needed reality check.

then on Sunday, i went to J & L’s benefit for work – the AIDS project in RI.. it was really cool to see all the gay boys shaking it down, enjoying life and whatnot.. of course, it was unbelievable to see my friends, but that’s a given…

ah yes, it feels good to be living life again rather than just observing it.

i know that i should be nice to my body because in theory that would mean that it would be nice back. but i am too annoyed with it so i have no desire to be nice to it and the catch-22 has led down a pretty bad path and now we are at a complete showdown. i am thinking of one more weekend of cruelty and then i will try to be nice.. it’s just so expensive to be nice. not like it’s cheap to be mean, but still. ::sigh::

ok. so i went out last nite to celebrate a friend’s birthday. just like last week, the guest of honor got to choose the dancing environment and she chose salsa (she is, afterall, from Brazil). i was more than psyched to try to learn this dancing, and there was to be a class beforehand to teach us all. i was also told that i would need to dress up a bit to get in and i decided to go girly for her and another friend. boy did i feel uncomfortable. usually, when i do girly, it’s not a big deal that i still walk like a boy and have pink hair and whatever. but not at this place. it was overtly gendered – men had to have collars to get in, women were a bit more relaxed, but the only girls in pants were in our group and everyone at the bar was wearing super high feminine clothing. the place was full of airs. there was only one way to dance (and i didn’t know how to dance in the “correct” way and learning made me feel stupid and stared at). sure, my friends were there, and they were fabulous – such sweethearts. but i just couldn’t get comfortable in a place like that..

i really do despise places that regulate one’s fashion so vigilantly, both by kicking people out for “inappropriate clothing” and by social status/glares. this isn’t just a straight thing. i remember going to hear a band this summer with a friend. it was a punk dyke thing and everyone dressed for the occasion – in almost matching punk dyke clothing. my poor friend, such a high femme, was the only girl in a dress and it was obvious that she was “weird.”

clothing can be so limiting. sure, it conveys the groups you associate with, but at the same time, when those groups require you to wear that gear to “fit in” alternative clothing becomes restricting. and what is the point of that? i find it just all too depressing.