by Ryokan:

ura o mise, omote o misete, chiru momiji
(showing front, showing back, falling maple leaf)

what makes the vision of the maple leaf so special as it gently falls from the maple tree, it shows both its bad side as well as its good. what this means for the person who follows zen is that in our lives, i should reveal both sides of our personality rather than just exibiting our positive side and neglecting that of which we disapprove. if my body is not “beautiful”, it does not matter. it is part of who i am.

this makes 100% sense to me, but i do not know how to implement it. i know that some people believe they see my negative side (they yell at me for it) but how can i show it? what does it mean to show it? no, i don’t wear makeup or try to hide my body or my physical appearance. i buzzed my hair, knowing it would make me “ugly” by many people’s standards. i also knew that it would free me of the need to look beautiful. and it did. and it angered many people, especially my mother. she felt that my making myself ugly hindered my relationships with people and made me stand out as a freak. this angered me and we had major frustrations about this.

why is beauty so important to people? or is it just americans?

shoe’s thought: beauty is what we see without effort so we rely on that as our impression of people. getting to know someone takes effort (and thus time and frustration). possibly, this is also due to our desire for instant gratification. we want to know things fast and beauty (or lack of) can be quickly viewed.

back to my thoughts: shoe is right. we enjoy judging and labeling people.. but that is a thought for another time…

rather than just seeing an object, imagine its texture on your skin, its smell in your nose and the sound that it makes in your ears. the object will appear far more appealing and the world will seem far more interesting.

today was a reading day. i continued with my reading (reread the two packets and worked on Suzuki’s Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. new confession: i was sitting slouched and posture-problemed when i encountered Suzuki’s statements on posture. i attempted to fix that but have not yet found a comfortable position for both my mind and my body. the physically comfortable positions result in my lapsing into sleep while the mentally comfortable position force eye strain. i will continue to work on this.

on a personal note, i have been trying to understand my direction in school and personal reasoning for my actions. i thought that i knew what i wanted- to be fucking amazing at computer science. i lunged into it the department head first. somewhere along the line, someone chopped off my head. i no longer have the energy or desire to do what i once love. i was planning to take a difficult cs course in order to further my knowledge but i discontinued that. i know that i could have made it thru the class if i was enthused but combined with my saddened attitude towards cs and sudden interest to protect my health and well-being, i discontinued that course.

when i was helping kate last nite (she did not know if she should take orgo- her major required it but she was questionning her major and reevaluating her life), i realized that i was also helping myself cope with my decision. deciding to distance myself from computer science was a hard decision. i still spend much time around the department seeing as i am still taing the intro course. i do enjoy helping people though so i could never give that up.

i also decided tonite that i would be a mentor for women interested in computer science. maybe that will help me respark my desire and curiosity.