for my own notes, i am going to respond to a comment as part of my journal.. the question was why am i so bothered by people striving to have wealthy places to live…

because the ideas are being sold, being commercialized, not really for real or attainable. it’s what creates genuine class division in the us, what magnifies it.. those who are striving to be a part of the elite, and therefore the elite becomes accepted, acknowledged and not questioned for the in appropriateness of its existance or its actions.

for example, thinking about all of the $300/$500/$600 cashback shit that everyone is getting right now. the poorest communities receive nothing through this taxback. they don’t pay enough taxes to get a cashback; the services that are targeted at them are being cutback because there is not enough money in the federal reserve to pay for it and the rich are getting enough money to buy another pair of shoes. the result of political payoffs is socially devastating. and yet, the public impression is that this is all good because it’s our tax money anyhow and it’s great that the gov’t is giving it back. the republicans have succeeded in screwing the people systemically for political advertising and it is so painful to watch.

likewise, corporate america has created a set of desires that ultimately harm the people who are paying the $12 to imagine it. the goal becomes wealth, not happiness, because happiness cannot be purchased in a $2 million house with all the trimmings and outdoor speakers. people overlook why it is that corporations are selling them this image of success. sure, there are some great artistic questioning of this, even in the mainstream (see traffic for a great example of rich != happiness). but these actions only magnify those beliefs, and reduce our understanding of why class is a (very undiscussed) problem in the US.

and it just makes me wimper and cry and feel aweful to think that people have bought into the american dream at their own expense. people want to work 70 hours a week with only 2 weeks vacation a year in order to pursue an unreachable dream. they seek long-term happiness without realizing that this cannot be actualized because the system has put proper barriers in the way. it makes me angry at the producers of such ideas and depressed at the reaction of the people.

i started crying at work today. not out of frustration for coding or anything that would be normal. no, it was not that simple. for a “field trip”, we went to the street of dreams in portland. it’s this fancy schmantzy housing exhibit to show you the american dream version of a house. sure, they use a lot of cultural imperialism (an entire house decorated in buddhist religious art, including rock gardens, and rivers and whatnot). and there were a lot of other assumptions. boys rooms had computers; girls rooms did not. and sure, these were multi-million dollar houses with 5 showerheads in each shower and 2 floor closets in the master bedroom. and all decorated for show, complete with entertainment rooms with two floor (balcony) movie setups. and tvs in every room and whatnot.

but it wasn’t the ritziness that broke me. no, it was the way people were talking about the houses. there were two types of people – the oh wow’s and the buyers. the buyers, rich by nature, didn’t think this was that big of a deal and so they critiqued the practicalities of a room (this isn’t big enough, or the jacuzzi only fits 3 and we have 4 people or..). the wowsers were looking to be told what the american dream is and how what they should strive to consume like. oh and that was so painful, so very painful. i mean, it costs $12 a head to see this display of absurdity and people paid it in order to buy into the american dream. and i just cried.

what do i have against time? i have like 12 different clocks in my house and they are set at all different times. some of them, i know exactly how fast they are set. my car is set 6 minutes fast. my computer is set 9 minutes fast. my cell phone has no option (damn sprint). my two alarm clocks are constantly variable in their fastness (thanks to that super fast button, i get to the number on my cell phone and then push the fast button a few times). what does this say about me?

erg.. must stop myself from projecting ahead at all points. reality says that i am a really really bad algorithm because obviously, i cannot project 1 year from now with the knowledge i currently have, and yet i do it all the time. even basic ODEs should tell me that i am being stupid. yet, i do it anyways..

so todays’ panic is about what i do after i graduate with my master’s. assuming that i stay in boston for the year (a good assumption) and assuming that i don’t want to stay at the ML immediately for a PhD (a good assumption), i will be on my own. now, if i was a normal person, i would be psyched to have emptiness to look forward to – the ability to make new decisions, go wild, travel, etc. i kinda assumed that i would be traveling (the idealist in me), but that assumption is getting practicalized by the reality that if i travel, i won’t have health insurance and that is just 100% unreasonable. ok.. so then i started thinking about what i need to do in order to maintain health insurance. really, there are a limited number of choices. stay in school so that i can stay on mum’s insurance until 25. find gainful employment in a place that will give me health insurance that will even cover me (i.e. not really small places). break all of my moral codes and get married to someone who is gainfully employed or living in a country with reasonable national healthcare (maybe martijn would be able to marry both a boy and a girl so that each of us could gain access to the netherlands…) still plotting on other ways of finagling health insurance…

ok.. so health insurance is not really the biggest issue in the world, yet i am still panicking in projection. and, as figurs, i am still thinking i should be in school so i am panicking to find schools that i should consider. these are the times when i just wish i could relax and let things happen, but no matter how hard i try, i really just can’t avoid that eek feeling in my stomach. erg.

having a moment of self-doubt that needs to be expressed.

first, why in the past few years have i been so focused on myself, my emotions and whatnot? sure, it came with the begining formations of self-doubt because while i was overly confident and cocky for a long time, i didn’t really address myself in my thoughts. it’s peculiar because i am constantly being reminded of the femininity of self-observation and am irritated that i managed to develop this femininity after being emotionally devastated by external factors. it’s what makes me realize how effective the boys were in eliminating me from being “just one of the boys.” erg..

back to mode of self-doubt.

why is it that i have no functional memory? this makes quite a bit of things genuinely tricky. sure, i never did remember a book after i finished it. and in school, memorization had to be hell on earth. let’s remember the multiplication tables->american history. but i was always quite functional and capable of doing things because i was so damn good at analysis. i could sift through math concepts and bring together ideas that made so much sense to me and impress the hell out of everyone.. like how i figured out trig while taking the SATs in the 7th grade. or when i dumbfounded my calculus teacher with my approach to a problem that was apparently quite unique (although i still didn’t get the right answer due to a stupid arithmetic error). in later years, i have been able to determine how much lack of memory is a really stumbling block. analysis of theoretical texts requires storage of large amounts of information and remembering the details of previous concepts and their references since i can’t store everything together. sure, my databases are sometimes useful, because goddess only knows i never remember a name or article title or exact quote.

i thought that my memory was deteriorating. and it probably is. but more realistically, it’s being overwritten because it’s in such short supply (isn’t it supposed to be 2020 when computational memory will far surpass neuron-potential memory? grrreat..) synthesizing is becoming more difficult because i can’t keep it all in my head. hell, i can’t keep a full academic journal article in my head because they constantly refer to a million other articles that proceeded it with one-liners and a reference and i am supposed to be able to pull up all of those ideas along with the current article of reference, or at least stack together all of the ideas mentioned in this current article, which includes past articles and analyze everything together and damn does my brain hurt.

and what about vocabulary? i definitely reached my maximum potential of words that will stay in my head and the pointers are getting all fouled up. which is why the same word often refers to 2/3 different definitions, or a definition gets lost for no good reason (or because it is too complicated to remember). like today at work we had a conversation about the following verbs: gell, congeal and coagulate. and honestly, i couldn’t differentiate the three of them to save my life.. somehow, they all ended up in the same bit of memory. bastards.

i keep trying to tell myself that this is just part of who i am, how i am different and that it makes me a more unique individual. goddess do i love compensation through self-reassurance. “i am beautiful and brilliant and god damn it i am great.” but reality says it is starting to tear at me. i really just want to retain a few things that go on in my head for later use. it would just be nice. but somehow, not just actions, but also ideas form impressions that stay without content. like, i know that i was angry with bush for china.. but right now, i can’t remember why. that’s irritating. and why does everything end up in an emotional bin, usually in the form of “like” and “dislike”.. no wonder i end up creating my own deadly stereotypes… i can’t remember the root of anything to save my life.

and aside from my frustration, i really do worry that this will make me a far less functional, far less effective person and that bugs the shit out of me. and yes, g’damn it.. success on multiple fronts is way too important to me right now, primarily because i feel so useless and confused about everything from the personal sphere to the professional sphere.

these are the moments when i wonder why i shouldn’t just figure out how to settle down and follow the appropriate socially conditioned role of being an at-home mother. but i really do feel as though i will end up being a failure and that makes me wanna stop trying. hmm.. although that is ironic, because it assumes that i could not fail at being an at-home mother, which i would as well, based on my love of children, cooking and cleaning, combined with my natural patience. and this spirals into the moment when i just wonder what’s the point??

i heard a fabulous broadcast on NPR this morning on my way to work about the black identity in the USA. it peeked my ears because the first thing that was asked was what does it mean to have a black identity, now that there is a goal to not associate it with class. the respondent immediately stated “memory and history” as his factors for the black identity.. he was talking about how black people in the US share a history and that the role of their color in this history constantly affects day-to-day interaction today.. the moderator took this as a tangent into reparations, but my mind wandered into a different place. identity as shared experience and history. i really like that. i am always playing with how identities are formed and why and i really like the placement of it within the concepts of experience and ancestory. i am always bothered by the idea that a person exists without a context and that context is built through experience, even beyond one’s life.. anyhow, was definitely a good bite to chew on.

when i zoned back in (after picking up my perfectly folded laundry which scared me to pieces), there was a discussion about how middle and upper class black people who work in white sectors in the US are constantly having to switch their identities. at home, they have one dialect, performance and set of behaviors, to fit into the black community. at work, in the white community, they have another, in order to be taken seriously. one woman was speaking to how this was tremendously problematic for her and created constant struggle. a call-in from germany talked about how nice it was to come to germany where she was no longer “black” but “american” and how embracing this new primary identity really allowed her to step back, consider and resolve what having a black identity meant. i thought about how this related to the gay men in britain who have 2 sim cards – one for their “straight” identity, which was primarily for work, and one for their personal “gay” identity. depending on which sim card was in, they answered with a different dialect and manner. or how people who transcend class are constantly battling over going home, readjusting their speech, clothing and mannerisms and never fitting in on either side (think dorothy allison). or my own struggles as my identity feels constantly mutilated by the space i am in and the people that surround me. on a personal front, i can feel the constant confusion and perpetual “outsiderness” no matter where i am.. that feeling that i don’t have “a community.”

anyhow, the conversation made me really think about the meanings of “outsider” identities and how they are not that very different.. these are the conversations of similar experiences that should be shared, rather than the constant fighting over differences in oppression that are always divided. and it made me think about how this type of approach – discussions of “outsiderness” would be a really good way to frame conversations with those who are so frustrated by being labled the “victimizer” because of their privileged characteristics. this makes me think about the gutteral importance of a shared community.. of why people with similar experiences of race, class, gender, … are drawn to one another for support and so as to not have to constantly feel that they are changing their faces. now, this is not the answer to ending -isms, but it makes it really visceral..

shit. i should be working.

anyhow, need to think more about how to unite people, particularly when the current hatred creates a need for people to create groups of similarity in order to not have to be constantly struggling. particularly, because these segregated groupings that allow for emotional healing and building often aggrevate tensions, which results in magnified bi-directional prejudices, which only cycles into more problems. i mean, anger and frustration can be both beneficial, by allowing for the necessary strength to fight hatred. but it can also create hatred, which only furthers problems.

again, i think to my consant confusion about how helpful extremist politics and beliefs are and how they affect things… at my gut, i still believe that the only way to solve hatred is through open lines of communication, to systematically work through historical and personal battles and understand one another. but i don’t know how to do it. on one hand, you have the master’s tools; on the other hand, you have separationalism. it’s a really polarized world.

speaking of which, must really stop thinking and help build the master’s house. grumble grumble grumble.

so i have been playing with a really interesting concept in the last couple of weeks. the NRA. now, at my core, i am pretty anti the NRA. it’s not the freedom to have guns that i inherently oppose, but the NRA that i have problems with. now, i have never actually been so in disagreement with them that i have sought to protest or fight against them. and i actually had to agree with them over columbine. but, i am also not going to support them. but a friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago when i was generally spieling about my political beliefs that being anti-NRA is contradictory with belief in freedoms and how could i fight for ideas of freedom of speech, anti-violence, anti-hatred laws when i wanted to stop the NRA. this set me aback and i didn’t really have a response. but, he still succeeded in making me think, and i know that was his goal anyways..

i had another conversation about the NRA tonite and so now i am thinking about it some more and wanting to write some of those thoughts down, although they are still not 100% resolved.

first, i get annoyed at the NRA because they start (even on their website) by inaccurately quoting the second ammendment. ok, so they are not inaccurately doing so, but only using a portion of it, and we know that “taken out of context, it must seem so strange.” so, they always use “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed” when in reality, the full clause is “a well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” ok.. so we are talking about a need for a militia. this makes me wonder what it means to have a milita. do you have to be a part of a militia to have the right to bear arms? i am not sure. is every gun owner hir own militia? is this OK? i am not sure…

so i posed my confusion and contemplation to my roommate. oh perfect memory herself, she rattled off different readings of this clause over time and then started down the lines of it doesn’t matter. so, i am trying to remember and capture some of the hilites of this discussion (mostly her points with mine thrown in there as this was a conversation). note, i am probably still failing to accurately and fully capture her ideas, but so it goes…

1) americans have this funny feeling that freedoms are the most important thing and the NRA and ACLU always return to that whenever they feel restricted. the US does not actually guarantee freedom, nor does it actually secure that. there is no actual thing as the freedom of the press or the freedom of the people to do whatever they want. laws are a balance of what is good for the people and what is good for the state (and thus, we must also consider capitalism). for example, there are seatbelt and traffic laws. these are affected by a wide variety of issues, including capitalism. it is better for the nation (economically as well as safety-wise) if people wear seatbelts. so there is a law meaning that you don’t have the freedom to choose whether or not you can wear a seatbelt.

2) we create laws to protect people from actions that should seem obvious. when domestic abuse was first outlawed in the states, there was a lot of outcry. why should the state determine what people could and could not do in their homes? and didn’t people know better anyhow? history has shown that people don’t know better. when the laws were first put on the books, many police officers didn’t want to enforce them because they didn’t believe in them themselves. eventually, culture and law collided and now domestic abuse is considered horrid by almost everyone.

3) the states has a funny notion regarding the relationship between morality and law. due to a theoretical (yet nonexistant) separation of church and state, there is a feeling that law cannot be related to morals. yet, every legal move is directly tied to morality and in the case of the states, this means christian morality. the state has to determine what is good for the people and in doing so, they regulate their moral beliefs.

4) there are more guns per capita in the states than ever before in history. there is an explicit law saying exactly how and why guns should be kept. guns are made legal for the very purpose of keeping a militia. very few of them are being kept as such. the NRA and political organizations rallying around freedom of guns tie together issues of sport, of freedom and of political organizing. historically speaking, justices who are charged with interpreting that amendment constantly disagree. legislatures, who make the laws are affected by the political lobbying of the NRA, and it is not their responsibility to accurately intepret the constitution. those opposed to the NRA read the constitution in a way differing from those who support it, which is why the NRA is such a controversial organization. it must be remembered how laws are made in the US whereby anything not explicitly put into law by the legislature is up to intepretation of the states. any law that infringes on constitutional rights should be considered by the courts. because of this, gun control is a constitutional issue while abortion is a legislative issue.

hmm.. she had a lot more to say that i am forgetting.. but these are some of the hilites that i want to continue to chew on… it’s funny because i think that this all began over abortion… it’s funny to have core beliefs that sat dormant and unchallenged or considered for a long time because i realize that i forgot how they evolved.

like, as a kid, i always believed in the death penalty, but as an adult, i don’t. as a child, i thought that such a penalty was good for the country because it meant that criminals who were a threat to society were removed from society. my views changed when i realized that the death penalty is 1) not fair and evenly applied, particularly due to social prejudices and morals (and it is a federal crime to unevenly apply laws); 2) is not an effective deterent or a humane way for the state to treat its constituents; 3) fails to recognize the absurdity of justified killing.

mmm.. haven’t thought about politics in a long while.. mmm..

would somebody please tell me what i have done to the computer gods to make them despise me with this level of venom? it just never stops. ever. they absolutely positively despise me.

ok.. so my computer is relatively cleanly installed. given, it’s a sony vaio, but it was just shipped back for a new harddrive 2 months ago. installed ms office (an illegal copy, but nonetheless). excel works, word works, power point works.. but outlook – outlook won’t even start. auto-segfault. and of course, can’t get company’s software installed on here to dial in so i can’t check email. of course.

this just amazes me. why does this happen?

i think something is rather wrong with my body. ok, i know that i am a bit of a hypochondriac but still.. i just don’t think things are quite right.

i remember when i used to pass out for no good reason in the 6/7/8th grades. or when i just started puking uncontrollably in the middle of math class junior year in college and after a day and a half of tests in the hospital, they had no idea what could be causing it. or college in general. i always wrote that off to abuse of my body (in terms of intake, sleep and stress).

but then there was grad school. i remember being so sick in the spring, and after tons of prodding, i broke down and went to the medical center and they had no idea.. tons of possibilities but no concrete ideas. although i slept 8-10 hours a nite for a year, i participated in economic anorexia (whereby i stopped eating when i didn’t have money even though i would charge books to my credit card). now, my eating habits are not much better now, but they are better. i really am not stressed and i not only sleep 8 hours a nite, but i sleep the “right” 8 hours.. i am exercising and relaxing in large doses. so why the hell do i still feel like shit?

i have moved beyond the feeling that my body just needs time to adjust because it just should have adjusted by now. why does it not like me? and why oh why do i just feel aweful so frequently? uggh.. i am still waiting for that full body transplant.

To Charlie’s Angels:

Guys – i had the most fascinating dream last nite.. need to share.

We were driving through the country and were in South Dakota (why that state is always in my cross-country dreams….) We got off at a reststop and were being utterly silly, giggling and stupid and whatnot. MTV was at the reststop and we asked what was going on. Apparently, they were interviewing folks for some new reality TV show. Some guy approached us and told us that we looked like the Charlie’s Angels and would we like to talk with him about this reality TV show. He had an MTV badge on. We said we were just passing through; he said “Perfect!”

We went through that stupid NDA crap and then he started talking to us.

MTV was going to air a reality TV show where they removed a small number (3 was perfect) of young people from their lives, in the form of a voluntary kidnapping. No one but the removed people would know that it was an MTV stunt. The volunteers would be sent away to a comfortable location, secluded from the population, but totally cozy (i volunteered a secluded beach island with white sands and he said if that was what we wanted, that would be what we got). We could only take one personal item each (like a photograph or whatnot). MTV would supply anything else we needed or wanted to be comfortable (M asked about Boggle at the same time that H asked about Scrabble and the guy said yep). Anyhow, we could get anything we wanted, food, games, movies, books, _anything_. We just couldn’t have contact with the outside world. On the outside, things would start coming up about our disappearance in South Dakota (or wherever). Our car would be found, media would start going wild. We would get to hear all about the media, but not respond to it. Our parents’ would be distraught, etc. etc. Everyone would think we disappeared for real. At the end of the month, we would be allowed to reappear and if we made it through it, we would each get one million dollars as a reward. Of course, they would record us the entire time, our conversations, our thoughts (we would have to do private time like in the Real World). It was a warped psychology experiment on society and media, basically.

So i woke up as we were pondering whether or not to do it, weighing the odds, recognizing that the money could help our families but that we would drive them insane in the process.

It was a totally fascinating dream. Would we do it? I don’t even know…