After wandering through the fabulous state of Utah (who knew it would be so beautiful!?!?!), i’m now in Santa Fe, working. Ah yes, sometimes fun just has to be put on pause for a bit of a reality check. We’ll be spending a few days in this town before doing the mad rush back to the east coast. Yes, mad is the best description as it will be 36 hours of driving and we’re allotting about 50 hours to get there…
Santa Fe is such an adorable little town.. it’s been a while since i’ve been here, although i really enjoyed my last trip. Then again, there was someone special here. Although it’s funny to think that my eastward entrance/departure is always mad rushed. The last time we came to Santa Fe, Jon and i were too scared by Texas so we rushed here, totally exhausted and utterly crashing. I guess that Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, etc. are just not that interesting when there are more desired targets.
My headspace got a bit muddled by my digital reappearance last nite. When i came to the Media Lab, there were two sponsors that i did not want to work with for ethical reasons. Well, it seems as though my old advisor is going to continue my work (without really discussing it with me), done by other people, because one of those sponsors wants it. To make matters worse, she’s been getting involved with all of this Homeland Security crap. I remember a year ago listening to her bitch about an old colleague who let his philosophical values down to work for a mega-corp and has kinda turned into that mega-corp’s lackey, not really doing research anymore, but trying to please for money. It seems as though the same thing holds now. Money runs the acadamy and i’m even more horrified to be associated with it all. At least now, i can associate myself with V-Day and i will continue to associate myself with Brown. I’m through with MIT, as it offends every sense of ethics that i have. I’m also through with doing anything “scientific” in the academy because there’s no such thing as scientific research… it’s only the pursuit of the technological and scientific inqueries that will make people either rich or powerful. I’m quite disgusted…
On other news, i think that i’m going to put down my party days following an upcoming festival. I still love the music so much… every time i sit down and zone out to psy, i see things in another dimension… it gives me such great joy. But just as i’ve wandered to other dimensions in my listening, so have others.. and they are not a shared dimension. Boston has been full of a lot of pain for me, much of which is associated with unnecessary drug-induced drama. I’m tired of interacting with people who are deceptive because they live on a different planet. I’m tired of interacting with this form of drug culture. I didn’t realize how fabulous the drug culture that i knew back at university was until i started seeing it in “adult form.” I don’t want to be one of those cracked out people, and i’m tired of seeing them all of the time. Moving away from Boston will mean moving away from a lot of what i associate with it, and i think it will be a good thing. I find myself slipping into avoidance and self-indulgence and i haven’t felt truly connected to people in quite some time…
As the road flattened last nite when i exited the Rockies, i had a long conversation with myself, directed in part to my best friend. Change is a good thing; awareness is a good thing. I’m finally moving on rather than just running away, and this too is a good thing.
Oh.. and in case you’re wandering here randomly, my blog has not contained links to much as of late, because i’ve been quite disconnected and not reading… Thus, it has turned a bit internal, for those who know me and have this peculiar desire to know what’s in my head since i’m so bad at communicating… Sorry if the self-indulgence seems peculiar…
I was introduced to Ani Di Franco by a flamenco player called Alfonso on the ferryboat from Algeciras to Tangier (Morocco). He immediately became one of my most cherished friends – we drove together through sandy dunes at Dakhla and surfed the waves at Agadir. Only later did I find out that he did not speak a word of english – so he could not understand what Ani was singing about. Doesn’t that bother you? – I asked. No, not at all. Whatever it is I’m sure its beautiful. She has rhythm, he said – and you know – happiness has many different rhythms.
(Later I found he had stolen that line from Camus.)
K
hi there smallbrighttigertailedcreature… it sounds like you’re searching so hard for your place, for escape from meancrackedout monsters, from parts of your self — but freedom, light, wonder is always there when you take time and stop looking so hard for it; it’s within you, the sky, it’s in the sidewalks you walk on, in the eyes of everyone around you (even if
they’re yucky in other ways)… you just have to be, and not go chasing after the shadows of what’s in front of you. you really do know how to
communicate, connect… even if it’s hard for you to see. and the drug culture, music culture — never forget, it’s about celebration and wonder
and love, despite how worked up we get sometimes in looking for specific paths and meanings and trying to take everything we can to make use of
from it; it’s about dancing, life is about
dancingjoyousspinningfreerelease… there is nowheretogoto and it’s about you, always where you are (and the universe, which is you too), the
present, that which is always there. i hope during your travels you find peace and solace and a place for that beautifulmagical you that others
see, even those of us who have just known you for a few soft fleeting moments, talking between blacklights and glowythings…
and too writeme during your travels — that’s important too 😉
.. i wrote this to submit a while ago but your comment subbything isn’t netscape friendly, so it was stored ’til me linux box ate a disk and i had to growlingly start prodding the web thru another machine.