Travelling is not very good for blogging or reading email or doing anything typically productive. Thus, as per usual, i’ve been doing minimal online time (although it does take me at least an hour every time to get through my email… ::sigh::)
Traveling has been most wonderful in that personal breathing kind of way. It’s a nice little reminder of everything that is out there, of how i don’t need to always be so loud, of how to sit back and just watch a few things go by. I’ve enjoyed it. Fusion and the absurdity was a quiet little reminder of how difficult underground culture is. So many people are so angry as a result of it; i just feel pity for the organizers cause i know how hard it is to get that shit together… and i know that they did what they thought they were supposed to do. That’s always a challenge.
San Francisco is San Francisco. It’s great to be back though and this time i’m trying to look at it with that critical eye of where i want to live. I know that i need sun which basically means either the Mission or out in Berkeley… i just don’t think i could deal with the greyness all of the time. But watching my friends search for housing does not look like fun. 🙁 Too bad. Seeing friends is both fantabulous and exhausting. I’m just not in a place where i can deal with a lot of emotional strife – i’ve been too engrossed in my own and i’m trying to come out of it. I just don’t have the energy to think on that level, not because i don’t want to but because i’m so precariously surviving as it is. The last few months in Boston tore me apart in way too many ways, both on a work and a personal level, leaving me angry and bitter and horrified at the magnitude in which people could be inconsiderate. And for the first time in my life, i didn’t want to talk about it, to anyone. I spoke briefly with a few closest friends on the days that i felt buried, on the days that i wasn’t sure if i could get out of bed. Basic survival. But since then, i haven’t wanted to speak to anyone. I realized how powerful communication is, how important it is, what happens when it is broken. But i also realized that there is no reason to burden outsiders with the communicative incompetencies of my own life. I guess it’s a part of growing up – turning inwards. But to do so, i can’t deal with others, which makes me feel guilty.
That said, it is good to see people. My dearly beloveds. Talking, cookies, hottubbing at Frogs with massages, all of the precious things that make San Francisco so magical in my head. But i’m also aware of the daily stresses of everyone around me. It makes me really wonder if i shouldn’t just go to Hawaii for a while before coming out here. Self time. Sanity time. Yoga and breathing, inwards looking, spirituality, the whole nine yards. Hell, i can’t even really breathe in this city right now, emeshed in people’s chaos. ::sigh:: On the other hand, it is Burning Man time and this city lights up like a schizophrenic octopus on fire, balancing the world, slippery arms not properly grasping the different responsibilities so that emotions come crashing down, seeping from the different dangling goodies.
Ah Burning Man… next week… I too have been preparing, but in a typical way. Silver and pink. Two more pink hats, a set of pink cowboy boots, silver body paint. I keep thinking i may go outside of my norm, but i really just want to be comfortable, low key but still me… besides, there’s still pink and dude, the pink cowboy boots are *HOTT*… i’ve been eyeing them for over a year now… mm.. mm.. mmm…
And now.. i must work.. because life continues to be a balance.