erg. how can i lose all forms of motivation in one quick foul sweep. i was trying to get ready, planning on going to the gym, an art opening, meeting with a friend and then going out to a dinner event and party afterwards. i had already failed to wake up for my breakfast meeting with two friends who i haven’t seen in months (one was only in town for 12 hours) because i managed to sleep through their 5 phone calls. i fucked around on email, purchased a few more books, redyed my hair. talked to my mom – pleasant conversation. so i was running late, no big deal. got into the shower and lost all motivation to go anywhere. decided to skip the gym, skip the art show and meet up with my friend as the next leaving house motivation. but have also managed to slump into a state, a not-so-great state. stupid, eh?

part of that is because i have been waiting for two friends to call me back all week. and they haven’t. i just feel so distanced from people right now. i keep trying to tell myself that it will be alright, and that i should learn not to be dependent, but it’s still depressing. i miss having deep connections, deep trust. and it constantly returns me to that question of what’s the point? that’s been emerging more and more as i have been getting more and more discontent with the state of things, both personally and externally.

i had a really funny conversation with my roommate the other day, about the purpose of life in our current culture, why love/passion cannot be maintained eternally and what that means when marriage becomes about supporting children and expected power relations get destroyed. so, when one doesn’t want to be a part of the procreation system, what’s the point of marriage? and is it possible to maintain a deep bond when you don’t have responsibilities like children? now, given all of this, what’s the point of life? other than reproduction, there are a few options. have fun, save the world. the first one requires elimination of depression. ha! the second requires how, and is it possible? i have become exceptionally negativistic regarding saving humanity in any form. i just don’t think it’s possible. i don’t believe in religion (another to-live-for option) and i don’t think that people are inherently good or that i have the power to make things better for any masses. the other option, in the kurzweil-ian sense is to create machines to replace us – force darwinian-esque fates. i just can’t get behind that. so then, what’s the point of life? it becomes a very negative question with a lot more negative feelings about uselessness.

poor b got really angry with me last week when i brought up the reality that i plan on taking my own life when things stopped being fun. no, things haven’t stopped being fun, but i am beginning to see less and less of a point to existing. as i can see it, the only point in being alive right now is to just try to have fun. problem is that i have a conscience which means i can’t do it at others’ expenses and with the way the world works, having fun without affecting others negatively is rather difficult. so i keep thinking that maybe there is a way to change the world for the good. so i end up being lost and confused. ::sigh:: erg. stupid depression shit.