ah… relief.. although i got back early in the morning, i still managed to wake up and go to give my final presentation of all of my summer work. i think it went well, although i can’t entirely tell. but regardless, it’s over…
and goddamn it do i itch. fucking poison oak.
stomach in knots. aches in my body are screaming to remind me of recent stupidities and pain. nerves wracked. completely terrified. kinda dizzy and confused.
it’s time to wrap up my two most essential activities of the summer in one foul swoop of 5 day intensity. wish me luck and sanity, dear goddesses. i am gonna need it because we know that the items atop the pin needle are not going to stay balanced for much longer.
all the meanwhile awaiting crucial responses from back east in many different directions.
maybe it’s time to run away – both coasts are traumatic right now…
hmm.. my night vision seems to be depleting. this is rather frustrating and disappointing. i know that every 7 years my body changes, regrows itself.. only this time, i think it did so with too many female hormones. fucking estrogen. i am more emotional, irrational and moody – all of which i blame on the evil e-hormone. plus, now my vision is going, another proof that my body is being overrun by feminization. eek.
ugg.. i am so stressed for work. it’s really outta hand how i totally wait until the last minute to produce anything and so now with only 5 days of work left and only 2 until i present, i am cunching like no one’s business. at least i already have plans to go away for the weekend so it means that i can’t procrastinate _that_ badly.
speaking of going away, i just purchased the most fabulous red sequined faux cowboy hat at an SM shop in Portland… tehehe. and since when do i have a red thing going? as i was making my purchases – red hair dye, red cap, a red gift for a friend – the cashier says “got a red fetish, eh?” and although i laughed at him, there is something to be said for the amount of red purchases lately. the recently purchased carebear shirt is red and my hair is currently red… i sorta thought that the red thing was up to V & G, but i guess i am just trying to add color to my life and i got teased too much for the blue thing so i have moved on to another color. silliness. although i already learned that one should never live in a red room. ::cringe::
went to a most fabulous party on the beach, danced to good goa music, reminded myself that i really enjoy parties when they don’t involve 14 year old kids. especially when they are outdoors, on a beach, with fire and good music and good people.
dyed my hair today. finally back to something absurd. it is really really really bright red. ahhh.. so much for fitting in. couldn’t stand it any longer
Somehow my energy is waning. I think it’s cause i feel kinda ill. I have had this fever and otherwise ickiness for quite a few days and i just don’t feel like doing the necessary performance and i feel snappy and otherwise grumpy which isn’t good. Plus i am procrastinating all things work related and not really excited about anything. erg. Must regain Tigger-mode.
had a fascinating conversation this evening with my old advisor where i basically learned that everything is going to hell in a handbasket. i didn’t realize how screwed the academy is now that the tech industry has just flopped. he’s terrified and not quite sure what i should do, but he seems to think that $ is going to be highly problematic until there’s a switch of sources where the money comes from.
erg. this is going to be really difficult. bad time to be clueless.
i need to alter my driving expectations before i shoot a few drivers. i have a series of car-related etiquette rules, only they don’t appear to be shared by other drivers. maybe i am asking too much. but i really don’t think so.
1) if it is a multi-lane highway, you may not drive under the speed limit in the far left lane. in fact, you should not be in the far left lane unless you are passing other people. and, to top that, even if you are passing other people, but there is a lot of space in front of you and a lot of people behind you, move right to let the faster-desired drivers to move forward.
4) and if you are going at the same speed as the car to your right, move into that lane; it is obviously where you belong.
3) if it is a one lane road and you are holding up a long line of cars, get off the road and let them pass. they make turnouts for a reason.
4) if someone is on your tail, this means they want to pass you. let them pass before they start honking and flashing their lights at you.
… ok… those are the ones that made me insane today. i know i have another list of them but i really can’t remember them.
one of the things that the ADD testing, and reading about ADD, did for me is stop me from feeling so guilty about me-isms.
right now, i am working on getting over my issues with learning and education. i know that i am pretty darn bright, even though that has been pushed out of me pretty systematically in the last few years. i know that i am capable of learning things, but i am learning now that i really do have specific ways of learning things, and if those needs aren’t met, i have a hard time learning.
for example, i cannot learn from a book. this is not just an impatience thing, or a don’t want to thing, this is a problem that can’t be easily overcome (although i am trying). forcing me to learn from a book does not help the situation (thank you evil math professors). giving me manuals and telling me to try harder doesn’t solve the problem. i have a hard time reading. it is really difficult for me. it is really frustrating. telling me to get over it doesn’t alleviate that.
now.. i just have to keep this confidence long enough to make it through another year and hopefully learn something. ::breathe:: realize your strengths and weaknesses and don’t let other people get in the way of that. ::breathe::