why do i feel so overwhelmed by my life when, at the same time, i feel as though i am getting nothing done, have no direction or focus? i feel as though i spend so much time dealing that i don’t have any time to do anything. i have too many beloved friends, too strong a community and thus not enough time to manage that and get work done and start a life in Boston. plus, to make matters worse, the only new person that i have met since i moved to Boston doesn’t even fucking live here, adding to my collection of long distance, hard to maintain, impossible to manage friends. and i have no one to be at home when i break down and crumple. it makes me feel so uncertain about what type of community i need versus what i have. and right now, all i want is to be left alone by all my friends so that i can focus in on work. easier said then done as now is the time when everyone has time and wants to spend it with me. and all i want is to figure out how to get my research going. i don’t want outside visitors to my life; i want friends that pop up at lunch and tear me away from my desk to eat since i have forgotten to do so for multiple days. i want friends who drag me to play pool so as to look at the cute untouchable dykes. i don’t want impossible relationships or having to arrange my life around other people’s needs.

ok. so i am cranky. isn’t this the definition of january? this month, this year is going to go down as a month of utter physicaly pain and mental anguish. SAD gone extremely awry.