i am cold and depressed. actually, i think that they are probably very interrelated.. i mean, when i am cold, i am always depressed. i want to have a home, a place where i feel like i can go to and be comfortable and safe.. but because of the temperature in my house that is not possible. it is too cold for me to be comfortable.. and we pay $400 in gas a month and it never goes over 60 degrees. i can’t handle it at all. it is a huge problem. and it makes me want to stay in bed and not leave. and it is soo cold. and i am so not happy. and i haven’t been eating.. which is not helping anything except maybe my fat reserves and my pocket (the latter being a primary reason for not eating). see, i have been eating in social spaces.. as per normal… looking normal and healthy and blah but not feeling so normal and healthy. i haven’t started on vitamins yet because i haven’t eaten more than one meal a day. i have spent all my food money for this week on extra layers of warm clothing and i will spend next weeks on a new heater in the hopes that i can at least stay warm. it is so depressing to be constantly freezing. at least i have gotten over being hungry.. like my body isn’t hungry but it sure as fuck is cold.

i think i was less depressed when i was psyched for one of my friends to come back. he’s been outta communication for over a week and i had been waiting for him to come back and i sorta expected for him to come and crash with me and tell me fun stories and blah blah blah.. but he got back and dropped an email and i called and he was blah and going to bed and i asked if he wanted to come chill for a bit and he didn’t.. so, sad, went to bed alone.. then i messaged him this morning and more blah blah blah whatever crap. i need to get out of relationships that make me feel more lonely. i think it is healthier not to have up/down relationships than ones that make me sad 1/2 of the time. but yet, i also know that i won’t be able to get out of it cause i am a putz like that. i thrive on mixed message relationships. erg. and it makes me so angry.

thankfully the sarah doyle women’s center gave me a key and told me that i can come whenever. i think i am going to have to spend a lot of time at the sdwc cause otherwise i will end up at the cit all the time .. and that is bad. or else! maybe i can go and spend time at the rock; i have never been there before! (except nekkid with donuts) alas…. so depressing.