well, it has been a difficult point for me in my life… i have been doing a lot of thinking but at times it just doesn’t work so well. thus, how to explain to you, my subconscious, what the hell is going on.

well, he and i broke up. or, as i have been trying to tell my inner-self, he and i are taking a break, or reevaluating our relationship or whatever bullshit you can come up with. we broke up.

i go back and forth from being able to adequately handle this. when i think that i might have it under control, i break into auto-tears and become an emotional nitemare. i guess, the thing is that i don’t want to think that it is over, i don’t want to think that i failed at maintaining this relationship. no matter what anyone tells me, i am convinced that i failed somehow.

i mean, here we are, non-monogamous and having a great ole time and then it sneaks up on me.. this realization that we aren’t really together any more. why is that? would it have happened if we weren’t trying to see other people? is it a bad thing?

i know my attraction to women is getting out of hand these days, sorta forcing me to be repulsed by the physical representation that is man. but is this a reason to end a relationship? maybe it is.. but it is a hard realization for me to handle.. or not handle as the case actually is. erg. so difficult, so frustrating, so out of hand and confusing. what is wrong with the situation?

the thing is that i love him, probably more than i ever did.. i can’t imagine being closer to anyone, anyone making me feel more special in this world. so why the fuck did we break up? not like it isn’t my fault.. i mean, i have been thinking such thoughts for months, sorta in the back of my head, untapped because of the fear of what untapping might bring…

and yet i feel like a failure.