Monthly Archives: October 1999

i am overly dependent. i have known this for years but still tend to avoid it, as though it does not really exist… but i can feel it within me, every time i am alone. i thrive on dependence, it makes me feel whole, and yet it also makes me feel terrible.

is dependences a bad thing? others always say it is but i am not quite sure. having a relationship with another person, especially a symbiotic relationship teaches you about yourself and another person, how to give up what isn’t important and hold on to the things that matter. i don’t like being a parasite (or a barnacle as my lover calls me). i prefer when the other person has a dependence on me as well.. i want that cooperation in a relationship. without it, i feel lonely.. i need to be needed and i need to need… is that abnormal?

movie nite part a million… this time, saw “fight club”. i walked out of the theatre feeling as though i was stoned, even though i was totally sober. it fucked with my head in the manner that twelve monkeys did… and i enjoyed it. that was the odd part.. i loved the feeling of being fucked with…

it made me rethink my life in so many ways as well.. for example, why do i put such importance onto things that don’t mean anything? how can i change this tendency? why don’t i just _live_ and experience life… instead, i am focused on bullshit and that kills me.

lately, though, i have been standing well on my own. i have written quite a few interesting emails that make me quite proud… i will share them:

to a company
to a women’s organization
i know it is difficult but i just want to figure out how to be most happy…. hard problem though isn’t it?

i am pent up and angry, frustrated and irritable. i am having the world’s worst love/hate rleationship right now… and it is not about sex or sexual desire. that is what bugs me the most. a pure friendship, non-sexual, pure platonic. and yet there is this power tension, this craziness like a sexual relationship. i have learned to manage the power games involved in sex but not the power within a friendship. the competition, the bullshit, the menial fights over nothing. what good is this? why is it so typical of the white straight male? why does it make me so hostile? why do i play along at the same speed and with the same level of importance?

the worst is that i get more angry with myself than with the individual. i am angry at myself for letting this bother me, for still being attracted to someone who makes me so irrate. it becomes the small things, the things that shouldn’t matter and do. it becomes encompassing.

an example. last nite, we were driving through town at 4AM talking as two people in a car together are bound to do. someone the conversation switches to the differences between dating someone and a good nite of pleasure. he plays the typical female, saying that he does not sleep with people when there is not much more… yet, unlike most females (or most males) that i know, he states that the more needs to be in physical characteristics. he needs to fulfill his desires and lists various characteristics that i view as menial and plastic i can handle this and i begin to explain why that does not necessarily matter to me… anyhow, the conversation evolves.

at one point, i stop to listen how we are discussing this and recognize that it has become a competition for what is right. he is not willing to accept differences and argues with me over trivial things. i find that i feel like i am battling and i feel this tension within me increase. this only makes me irritated. i feel oddly invaded and it bothers me. how aweful is that? and it is _totally_ about me and my reaction to the situation.

at work, i have this odd feeling that everything is a competition. we are working on the same project and i feel as though he is trying to one-up me and when he is not doing that, he is trying to show how i fucked up. it makes me super-defensive, a feeling i don’t like. i also feel as though i cannot adequately stand up for myself.

to make matters worse, i actually like the boy. he is fun and we have things to talk about. i enjoy his presence and yet i don’t. it makes me feel super masochistic. it feels so strange and i cannot explain it…

i hate when i cannot read my own emotions!

goodness… venture capitalists, initial public offering, san franciscion technical terms… the land of the get rich quick on the internet schemes. it is killing me.

when i entered the technical world 3 years ago, there were definitely a lot of people who viewed the technical world as a way to make a quick buck. i was one of those people who thought that maybe there was more to it than that and i fell in love with a different aspect of it, the creative, exciting part of everything. today, i swear that the only focus is money. even the people that i admired for doing interesting creative things have delved into the business side of things. given, some of them want to do it for interesting reasons but their entire focus of the world has changed. no longer do i feel as though i can have fun challenging conversations with people about a whole variety of topics. now, everything revolves around the bullshit of the industry.

steve jobs said yesterday “since when has technology become synonymous with industry?” i feel that statement in a big way. and it makes me feel terrible. industry means money… technology is money… industry means technology… i don’t like that.

i feel so disenchanted by this community and this attitude. i am scared of going out to the bay area. i am scared of becoming part of that culture and letting monetary ideals engulf me. i am afraid that even if it is not me, it will be all my friends and i don’t like that prospect. i want down to earth friends who want to save the world, friends like my coop friends… how can i manage that? can i stay in this industry and go through those feelings? it feels painful.

i just saw the most fabulous movie – “american beauty”. see it. shit… too tired to write silly interesting things

i am feeling very strange, half depressed, half neurotic, one hundred percent sad… and it doesn’t make sense. i mean, my life is relatively happy… things are going relatively well. i have friends, the most amazing lover, etc… and yet i am just not happy. it makes me really question myself and who i am and whatnot. what would make me actually happy and why do i go through these bouts of gut wretching depression? and who can help me? one of the things that kills me is that my lover is so far away.. and yet he isn’t. in fact, right now he is on a plane to visit me.. and yet it doesn’t feel right. part of me wonders if i would be more sane if i just dropped outta school right now and ran out to be with him… i am just so lonely right now.. internally lonely, painfully lonely.

right now a kitten is playing at my feet.. he is only 7 weeks old and i took him from his parents and brother and sisters two days ago so that my friend can have a kitty with her.. it will make her happy and that is a good thing… she will be content and happy.. and he is adorable.

tonite i went to see a socialist play… well, marx in soho, sponsored by the international socialist organization. something about it didn’t sit well with me. i mean, i have always loved marx’s ideals and thoughts but never believed they could ever work. unfortunately, i forgot how much i do _not_ like socialists. i find them to be highly hypocritical. i watched as the head of the socialist organization downed a coca-cola. it is one thing to believe in something, another to practice but it is atrocious to preach and not practice.. i don’t handle that well. strange thing is that after the play, the guy who invited me asked if i liked it and i auto-responded with “yeah”.. i feel shitty about not being able to say how i felt.. not like i really know how to express how i really feel.

losing my love of adventure
losing all respect for me and myself today
i wonder what happens
if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isnt a light

ive worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i’ve worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i’m stumbling down the gravel
driveway of desire trying not to
wake up my sleepy self loathing

do you ever dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you cant make a sound
thats everyday starting now
dont tell me its gonna be alright
you cant sell me on your optimism today


i dont think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god i wish i was stronger
ok.. i need to leave this..