i am pent up and angry, frustrated and irritable. i am having the world’s worst love/hate rleationship right now… and it is not about sex or sexual desire. that is what bugs me the most. a pure friendship, non-sexual, pure platonic. and yet there is this power tension, this craziness like a sexual relationship. i have learned to manage the power games involved in sex but not the power within a friendship. the competition, the bullshit, the menial fights over nothing. what good is this? why is it so typical of the white straight male? why does it make me so hostile? why do i play along at the same speed and with the same level of importance?
the worst is that i get more angry with myself than with the individual. i am angry at myself for letting this bother me, for still being attracted to someone who makes me so irrate. it becomes the small things, the things that shouldn’t matter and do. it becomes encompassing.
an example. last nite, we were driving through town at 4AM talking as two people in a car together are bound to do. someone the conversation switches to the differences between dating someone and a good nite of pleasure. he plays the typical female, saying that he does not sleep with people when there is not much more… yet, unlike most females (or most males) that i know, he states that the more needs to be in physical characteristics. he needs to fulfill his desires and lists various characteristics that i view as menial and plastic i can handle this and i begin to explain why that does not necessarily matter to me… anyhow, the conversation evolves.
at one point, i stop to listen how we are discussing this and recognize that it has become a competition for what is right. he is not willing to accept differences and argues with me over trivial things. i find that i feel like i am battling and i feel this tension within me increase. this only makes me irritated. i feel oddly invaded and it bothers me. how aweful is that? and it is _totally_ about me and my reaction to the situation.
at work, i have this odd feeling that everything is a competition. we are working on the same project and i feel as though he is trying to one-up me and when he is not doing that, he is trying to show how i fucked up. it makes me super-defensive, a feeling i don’t like. i also feel as though i cannot adequately stand up for myself.
to make matters worse, i actually like the boy. he is fun and we have things to talk about. i enjoy his presence and yet i don’t. it makes me feel super masochistic. it feels so strange and i cannot explain it…
i hate when i cannot read my own emotions!