i am avoiding potential tears. i am writing to you, not to anyone else.. i can’t stand the idea of having to explain or talk to people. i just want someone to give me a hug. the phone seems to plastic. zwrite is a joke.

i am quite depressed.

you see, i think part of the reason why i am so depressed and awefully feeling rithg now is as a direct antithesis of today, a quite glorious enjoyable day. no, i did not get any work done.. well, i worked but my code still don’t compile. no, i just chilled most of my day with one of my coworkers and we bonded. i realized this person is going to be a good friend. and i was happy. and then we went to the movies together and laughed the whole way through. and that was good.

and then i tried to go home. i sped outta there for no reason, or some, a hurry perhaps. i got a ticket… 80 in a 55, $200. fuck. written out to my mother which confuses me… and that was not good. i stopped listening to lords of acid and went 65 the whole way home.

i was late for an appointment. i was frustrated. i called, couldn’t find her. i noticed that my brother had called. i had to fight with my computer to get it working.. it worked and i checked email. nothing exciting, weird emails. then i found a note from my mother. something is wrong, potentially a tumor. and i pretended like nothing was the matter… i wrote to see if my brother was around. i zwrote to a very happy person. a friend called, wanted to hang out and chill. i said ok. then i called back saying that i couldn’t.. i felt like too much shit.. and then my happy zwroter asked if he should come try to make me feel better. i agreed.

now i am here, pretending that nothing is the matter, recognizing that is probably not true. i wait. i am sad. i don’t know what to do.