i am waiting for my body to drain itself of all unnecessary tissue that it had created in preparation for my non-existant pregnancy. this shall be the first menstruation that i will have, free of medication, in over 6 years. i am both anxious and apprehensive. i want my body to take control and react comfortable, welcoming in the monthly recognition of womanhood with pride and joy, instead of with the usual screaming, bawling, anger and hostility that tends to cloud my days at this time of the month.

i lived with this woman once whose body was less than healthy. as a result, menstruating was a sign that her body would survive one more month quasi-pleasantly. we used to sit around and watch as she did each type of ritual from each religion and spiritual group in order to convince her system to menstruate. watching her gave me utter joy, as i did not have the same relationship with my cunt during this period of the month.

i do honestly try to love my period but i cannot convince my mind to obey when it is boggled down with various aches and chemical turmoil. i so long to be at peace with that element of my self, to appreciate my body, to be in tune with the moon, etc… but right now, i just want to scrape the insides of my stomach out and plop them down in front of the next male who pisses me off… i know, i know, this is _not_ a healthy attitude… i am working on healthy.