it is one of those nites; the nites that frustrate you to the point that you question your existance in a quasi-serious manner. i know, deeper than anything, that i would never harm myself yet i contemplate that idea in my state of loss.

i know that i am not a perfect person – hell, i don’t even admire myself. my temper is short, my frustration high, my demeanor depressed, my outlook hopeless. i only respect one person fully and that is because he can withstand me. others come close and i respect them with the appropriate levels. i desperately want self improvement and make an honest effort … so long as things seem to be going ok.

the problem is – lately, nothing is going ok. as a result, i feel that as a person, i am becoming more deplorable. the frustration enters that i don’t see how i can balance doing what i am _supposed_ to do and what i feel as though i _should_ do. no matter what, i always go about seeking advice in the wrong fashion and as a result, find myself in a worsened predicament. tonite was no exception.

as my grandfather noted, i have spent the last three years of my life pointed adamently in one direction. currently, i am questioning that direction for a variety of reasons. while i view those experiences and reasons in a very personalized and emotional manner, others can only view them in the way that i express the experiences and in the way that they can decipher them from their point of view. as a result, i am certain that my traumas seem petty to others, as they do to the two generations above me. i have multiple paths in which my life could follow, choices that my ancestors did not have. yet, these same choices make me horribly miserable. they don’t understand my difficulty. reality is, while i am learned enough to know that they shouldn’t understand, my heart wants them to. even my current pleasure book (reviving ophelia – i strongly recommend) reminds me that those older than me cannot understand my frustrations.. so why do i want them to understand me so badly?

i have never been so good at accepting my mother’s disapproval and feel as though i have to justify myself until she understands; this never works.

who am i? what do i want to do? i swear these are the questions that every person my age asks but i too need to ask them. and the answers are so extremely frustratingly confused. i know i have a great deal of opportunities that those before me did not have. i know that i am lucky even for my day and age. but yet, i am picky and not being picky is against who i am and only depresses me. ok, but this is off the point. everyone but me sees all the advantages to continuing on my current path – getting a degree in something extremely marketable and desired and continuing on to work in that industry. although i am aware of the positives, the negatives terrify me. so let’s list them:

advantages
– economic stability
– pleasing adults
– interesting material
– strong recommendations

disadvantages
– sexist environment
– demotivating myself
– inability to explore external opportunities
– possible lepracy syndrome

basically, in the end, it comes down to emotions versus logic. i am battling something that i can never debate – does it make more sense to do something that will protect myself and my (future) children / mother from economic despair and give myself a quality of life that i deserve? or should i prepare myself to be emotionally happy and sound with the hopes that my general eduction can lead me through and that i will be a sound and happy person. the problem is that everyone i know is too damn logical. my grandfather’s role was to be the stable one, the male. my mother was forced into that role and as a result, is emotionally a mess. where does happiness reside? and why do i have to make this decision at the age of 21?

should i commit myself to the next ?5? years of misery in order to create an economically stable environment? will this completely ruin who i am emotionally? intellectually? will this ruin my only solid emotional relationship? can i afford to do this? will i risk not getting out of my $130,000 education what i could possible have done with different decisions? is it worth it?

am i capable of devoting myself to my largest frustration in life? will not doing so hurt me in the future? will working hard make me so miserable that i don’t even consider working in the field post-graduation?

in the midst of all of this, i think i made a decision – take what i need to complete my degree, but nothing more. be a mediocre graduate from an exceptional school and hope to make enough money to pay off my debts and move on to what interests me the most.