sometimes i shock myself. the last week has been brutal. too much has been on my mind. suicidal people approach me as a stable standing (since when am i stable??). my mental energy focused this week on helping people and i did so well. now, everyone is at least dealing with there current situation in one way or another. but i am not dealing so well.

to make matters worse, i have been having the most uncomfortable discussions with my boyfriend. i just want everything to work out. i just keep thinking that i cannot cage birds. i must let them fly, no matter how hard it stings. my mind knows that but my emotional state is rebelling hardcore and i don’t know what to do. it is a no-win situation. grumble…

so, tonite, i got this bright idea that relaxing with a bunch of friends, willingly loosing a little bit of sobriety would be a good idea. WRONG! shortly into the nite, i was sitting in the bathroom singing two little girls by ani. let me tell you, that did NOT help. so, i walk out of the bathroom with my friend and the first thing we hear is a panik signal. i go off running, go knows what i am running from, running and afraid, afraid of me more than anything. i have never before felt out of control in myself. i learned that anti-sobriety elements really can be bad for you. i hid under someone’s bed, trying to escape from myself. finally, i made it to my friend’s dorm room where i proceeded to curl myself against the wall, convinced i was dying.

this whole dying thing was weird. my mind was 100% convinced that i was dying. i lay there, confused to all shit, feeling sorry for myself and trying to grasp any sense of reality or the mortal world. in my mind, i kept saying to myself, release the attachments. disengage yourself from reality. let go. it is ok to die. accept the dying. accept yourself. release attachments. clear your mind. slowly, i accepted my state, accepted the fact that i was dying and slowly cleared my mind. at one point, i knew that i was meditating. it was a strange thing because i was not thinking about it but my body was relaxed and accepting. suddenly, i felt whipplash. my entire body and mind whipped back through my entire history, backwards. trying hard to maintain a clear mind, i flashed in and out of prior experiences: the nite before’s discussion wtih my boyfriend, the cheating incidents, this summer’s rumor stuff… backwards backwards… clark’s death, nicole’s expulsion, governor’s school, fracturing my neck, audrey’s rape, her brother’s death, camp.. backwards backwards… hideous birthmark experiences / chopping off birthmarks, breaking my arm, my parent’s divorce, the adultry discovery, even back to ryan’s hospitalization. i flashed in and out of my whole history, things i had forgotten about, good and bad, insane.

when i stopped, my mind was clear and i opened my eyes. convinced i was in another state (ie: heaven or hell), i openened my eyes and asked for the bathroom. it was entirely white. i wondered how i deserved heaven when i did not believe in it in the first place. slowly, i realized that i was just alive and back to normal. it was the oddest feeling. but i could accept it.

one of the things that it totally made me realize is how important clear mind is to me; i needed that in order to get by. i appreciated and loved the feeling of clear mind and it helped me thru the nite. my mind was racing and it was the only solution.

the nite is over, i hope never to go thru it again but i learned a lot about me from it. a lot.

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