i spent today wandering around in new york city. unlike any other place i know of, nyc tends to bring out such strong emotions in me- intrigue, fear, excitement, annoyance, curiosity, … people watching is a true gem. but in many ways it makes me sad… consider me human or whatever else you would like but i cannot help but wonder about others’ lives. do they enjoy themselves when they look so miserable? have they found something special but just don’t show it?

unlike most places, new yorkers are nothing like one another- they come from all types of backgrounds, countries and belief systems. they have so much to share and so much to take from such a community so i watch them with intrigue. but one thing is common amongst all the people walking down broadway today- they all looked rushed and unhappy. many yelled curse words at passerbyers or were rude when i politely asked a direction question. my interruption terribly hindered their day. what a sad state of affairs. cabbie drivers rush up and down the streets, won’t pick you up if you look like a kid without money and are paranoid that you are going to make their lives miserable. they looked pained and want you out of their backseat as soon as possible. they growl at you when you want change. how can they enjoy this life? do they go home to a happier one or do they go home to misery? what makes them get by? what a horrible thought!

what makes all people happy? i know that things that help me through my day and put a smile on my face are not universally positive things. are some people made happy by spending their days yelling and screaming at others? do some people get pleasure out of being rude on their jobs? do those people enjoy their jobs? i guess that i just don’t understand most people even though i would like to… i want to understand what motivates people. actually, that is a thought- what motivates me? hmm.. i will think about that for later….

i guess that my life is just different from others. should i concern myself with understanding other people or will that prove frustrating? [trying to understand peoples’ biases sure is…] how am i supposed to relate to strangers? that aspect of my life is still a muddled confused mess…

what allows me the ability to pursue higher education? what gave me the opportunity to travel and learn from other people? do others have that option but eliminate it by their lack of interest while i strived towards it? or are we positioned in society? the obvious casting of people disturbs me, whether it is intentional or just the way the world works. i know that life is not fair, but why not? these questions keep me up at nite, forcing me to evaluate myself and contantly giving me the understanding to appreciate what i do have. how can we make the world fair?