today was a reading day. i continued with my reading (reread the two packets and worked on Suzuki’s Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. new confession: i was sitting slouched and posture-problemed when i encountered Suzuki’s statements on posture. i attempted to fix that but have not yet found a comfortable position for both my mind and my body. the physically comfortable positions result in my lapsing into sleep while the mentally comfortable position force eye strain. i will continue to work on this.

on a personal note, i have been trying to understand my direction in school and personal reasoning for my actions. i thought that i knew what i wanted- to be fucking amazing at computer science. i lunged into it the department head first. somewhere along the line, someone chopped off my head. i no longer have the energy or desire to do what i once love. i was planning to take a difficult cs course in order to further my knowledge but i discontinued that. i know that i could have made it thru the class if i was enthused but combined with my saddened attitude towards cs and sudden interest to protect my health and well-being, i discontinued that course.

when i was helping kate last nite (she did not know if she should take orgo- her major required it but she was questionning her major and reevaluating her life), i realized that i was also helping myself cope with my decision. deciding to distance myself from computer science was a hard decision. i still spend much time around the department seeing as i am still taing the intro course. i do enjoy helping people though so i could never give that up.

i also decided tonite that i would be a mentor for women interested in computer science. maybe that will help me respark my desire and curiosity.